luvthatdrtywata (luvthatdrtywata) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,

ONTD Original: The Ugliest Shit Gwynnie Pal-Pal is Hawking on da Goop

If last year and every year before that were any indication, 2016 will be all about being rich and white. So, to get you ready for the year ahead, I've scoured the website of the bougiest, white bitch alive - Gwyneth Paltrow - to find what you need to spend your trust fund on. So sit back, pop a Xany, and let's get basic!

What's cooler than culottes? If you said everything, you're right! But if you are looking for a pair of pants that make it look like you have a giant fupa even though you are no larger than a size 8, these $550 silk, pleated culottes are for you. These culottes are perfect for dinner parties, being a human parachute, and smuggling an illegal immigrant across the border in your vag.

Trypophobia is THE phobia of 2016. Terrify those weird Tumblr shut-ins with these Toms rip-offs that make it look like your feet are covered in weird holes. The flesh color is especially repulsive but these are also available in African-American.

These boots are the perfect accessory for stomping around your Texas compound blaming Obama for your diabetes. Pair with the above blue silk culottes, an American flag applique sweatshirt, and your Make America Great Again baseball cap. #Merrika

Anybody who's anybody has done time in one of those chic, little Connecticut minimum security prisons. Reminisce fondly on your time away for tax evasion with this stunning prison jumpsuit. Luckily, you can exchange those state-issued granny panties and generic-brand Crocs for some La Perlas and Louboutins.

Does your vag hang low, does it wobble to and fro? Then look no further than these Slouch Jeans. Rather than wasting your precious time with a vaginal rejuvenation, spend 2016 making people wonder if you have a dingle or a tingle. Hey, Caitlin Jenner got press for the first fiscal quarter of 2015, now is your time in the Sun...and the Daily Mail...and the National Enquirer.

Tags: fashion, gwyneth paltrow, ontd original
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