luvthatdrtywata (luvthatdrtywata) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,
luvthatdrtywata
luvthatdrtywata
ohnotheydidnt

ONTD Original: It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Goop-mas

gwyneth-micheal-tr_2757493a

As white powder begins to coat the ground like a mirror on Robert Downey Jr.'s coffee table circa 1986, we look forward to a happy and healthy holiday season. Our tables will soon be filled with gluten-free Christmas pudding, roast dinners with all the fixings, and a Christmas morning fry-up, all painstakingly Photoshopped onto our real holiday tables that are actual completely empty. Whether it is because we are on a fast to prepare for our next role, on a hunger strike until someone puts that awful Jennifer Lawrence in her goddamn place, or because we are too poor for food, we all share in this wonderful holiday tradition.

In honor of this auspicious occasion, let us join together like Mary and Joseph, or if you prefer, Bey and Jay, and celebrate the true meaning of the holiday season - material possessions. With goop to guide us like the North Star of white folks, let us begin our holiday journey.

_____________________________________________________________________________


Untitled
Is your bra size negative? Then snatch up this Negative Underwear for goop bra. With a wide variety of sizes from 32A to 34B, women of all shapes and sizes can pull of this virginal Mother Mary look with ease. Unfortunately, this item is non-refundable. However, if it does not fit, wear it around your home and then sell it to a nice Asian businessman on Reddit (I saw a Dateline once, it's totally aboveboard.)
_____________________________________________________________________________

Untitled
If like goop, you are going through a "conscious uncoupling" and yearn for the tepid embrace of your former coital partner, ask Hanakkuh Harry for this His is Her boyfriend-cut shirt. Revel in the basicness of this boring blue shirt and allow the memories of his-and-her colonics to wash over you like a wave of that good shit-infused water. #LChaim

_____________________________________________________________________________


Untitled
Looking to purchase a Christmas gift for someone other than yourself? Weird. Why? I digress, if you insist on this odd display of yuletide cheer, a goop gift card is the perfect present. They start at $50, which is a great option for your homestaff, as there really isn't much one can buy from goop for $50. This will serve double duty, as the aspirational gift will be both their present and your charitable work for the season. Let them know that if they just do a little better at cleaning up your Lowchen pup Julie Chen's doodles, perhaps one day they will be able to apply this gift card towards a weird stack of books for $685 or an $85 hand cream to replace that Bath & Body Works crusted over Cucumber Melon shit they've had since 1998. Wow, I am really starting to feel the holiday spirit now. I guess that's what the poors mean when they say "it's the thought that counts."

_____________________________________________________________________________

Untitled
If you love the glamour of a simple stud earring from the boutique shoppe known as Claire's but are annoyed by their affordability, snatch up this single pearl stud earring for $2,260. This earring is designed by Jennifer Meyer, daughter of one of the most powerful men in Hollywood, Ron Meyer, and wife of this guy. As made obvious by this STUNNING piece of jewelry, nay, art, like goop herself, Jennykins is successful based solely on her talent and not at all because of the ballsack from whence she came. Literally.

_____________________________________________________________________________


Well darlings, my Ambien and champagne-induced coma is beginning to kick in, so like my mother at that rich sheikh's palace in Dubai, this is where I leave you. Merry Goopmas to all and to all a rich white.
Tags: gwyneth paltrow, ontd original
Subscribe

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Comments allowed for members only

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 136 comments
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →