cech yourself before you wreck yourself (krysteener) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,
cech yourself before you wreck yourself
krysteener
ohnotheydidnt

  • Mood:
  • Music:

LOL

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


By Sam Jemielity

Not every chick flick sucks. Some have funny scripts. Some have hot lead actresses. Some have quality nudity. But beware: There are certain chick flicks you should never have to watch.
Trust us. Our research team endured countless hours of movie-watching torment that made Abu Ghraib look like Club Med. We suffered through hundreds of group hugs (and not one featured girl-girl massage, lingerie-clad pillow fight, or anyone resembling Angelina Jolie in Gia). We fidgeted through dozens of deathbed scenes that had us wishing for a sudden death. We had to see Patrick Swayze dancing in stretch pants.

If your girl ever suggests snuggling up in front of one of these sappy flicks, tell her that you'd rather do something you'll enjoy a little more instead. Then let her spend two hours kicking you in the nuts.



10. The Notebook

Plot:
Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams play thwarted World War II-era lovers Noah and Allie. The story unfolds in flashbacks, as an elderly man (James Garner) reads the story out of a notebook to an elderly woman (Gena Rowlands), whose dementia prevents her from realizing that a) the tale is about their life, and b) the movie is dreadful.

Worst Scene:
A young Noah is reading Walt Whitman poems to his dad as Allie eavesdrops. Then Noah's dad charms Allie by telling her his son overcame his stutter by reading poetry. Come on, Noah, sound it out: "The-th-th this muh-muh-movie suh suh suh sucks."

Redeeming Moment:
McAdams is definitely easy on the eyes, and we see some very brief nudity. If McAdams had been naked through the whole 90 minutes, this movie might have been bearable. She's not, and it's not.

09. Sleepless In Seattle

Plot:
Sam (Tom Hanks) is a single dad who can't get over his dead wife (who, admittedly, is pretty hot). His eight-year-old son calls a radio program and puts Sam on the phone, who talks about how he still loves his dead wife so much he can't sleep. Hundreds of women who hear the program -- including Annie (Meg Ryan) -- mail love letters to Sam, whom the radio host has dubbed "Sleepless in Seattle." A few minutes of watching this movie would have cured his insomnia.

Worst Scene:
Besides every scene that features Rosie O'Donnell? Hmm. Well, early on, Sam has a sappy flashback scene when he high-fives his dead wife outside Wrigley Field before they head in to a Cubs game. Hell, Sam, be happy she didn't live to suffer the heartache of Steve Bartman screwing up the Cubs' World Series chances in 2003.

Redeeming Moment:
There's a scene where Sam and a buddy mock chick flicks by talking about how they always cry during the end of The Dirty Dozen. It's like Hanks is subconsciously saying to every guy in the audience, "Yeah, this movie blows, you and me both wish it were Saving Private Ryan."

08. Fried Green Tomatoes

Plot:
Unhappily married Evelyn (Kathy Bates) -- who self-medicates with candy bars and donuts -- meets an old woman at a nursing home, who tells her a story of racism, murder, tomatoes and a feisty woman named Idgie (Mary Stuart Masterson) in Alabama in the 1920s. There are lesbian undertones, as well, which are sadly not consummated.

Worst Scene:
Evelyn is in a women's therapy group and the instructor gives them all mirrors and suggests they examine their vaginas. This is not a group you want to see crouching panty-less over mirrors.

Redeeming Moment:
It is hard to top preppy pretty boy Chris O'Donnell getting run over by a train, and it is cool to see some vigilante justice doled out to Idgie's best friend's douchebag husband.


07. Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

Plot:
When famous New York playwright Siddalee (Sandra Bullock) disses her mother in Time magazine, her mom's three lifelong friends abduct her back to her hometown in the South. Siddalee learns that her mom beat her and her siblings because she was mentally ill. Once informed that the parent she mistook for a bitch was, in fact, a crazy bitch, Siddalee forgives her. Who says women are hard to understand?

Worst Scene:
It's a tie among the roughly 8,313 times during the movie, in unison, the old bags shout "Ya-Ya," like some senile Tourettes sufferers. That, or the scene when Siddalee's mom (the younger version, played by Ashley Judd) finds her four children sick with the flu, vomiting and crapping the bed. Ashley Judd -- hot. Ashley Judd covered in sick -- not.

Redeeming Moment:
Sandra Bullock is easy on the eyes, and Ashley Judd spends a fair amount of time in a bathing suit -- when she's not covered in vomit.

06. Dirty Dancing

Plot:
It's 1963, and Baby (Jennifer Grey) is a rich girl summering at a Catskills resort where Johnny Castle (Patrick Swayze) teaches dancing and keeps lonely housewives company on the dance floor and in the sack. When his dance partner gets knocked up, he enlists Baby as his replacement -- in both capacities. Dancing ensues, much of it of the dirty variety.

Worst Scene:
It's hard to beat the dancing for sheer repulsion, but one scene lingers on. Baby asks Johnny if he gets a lot of action from the ladies, and he admits that women at the resort have a habit of slipping him their room keys and that they "smell so good" he can't help himself. "You're using them," Baby says. "No," Johnny says, "they're using me." He's complaining that he gets laid too much. That may be the only time those words have been spoken by man.

Redeeming Moment:
There's an impromptu wet T-shirt contest when Baby practices lifts in the water in a white wife-beater. Baby got breasts!

05. The Bridges of Madison County

The Plot:
While her husband and two kids are away on a four-day trip, rundown Iowa farm woman Francesca (Meryl Streep) meets wrinkly old roving photographer Robert (Clint Eastwood) who puts the "sex" into sexagenarian. He unleashes her inner sex dynamo and then leaves. Her family returns, and she becomes the Madison County Madam, running a kinky brothel. Okay, that's not what really happens. She goes back to being a rundown Iowa farm woman. Yawn. What idiotic director would have Clint "Pale Rider" Eastwood play a wimpy sensitive artist? Oh, wait, it was director Clint Eastwood.

Worst Scene:
Francesca takes a bath alone, just after Robert's taken a shower. In voiceover, she says, "I realized that he had just been here a few minutes before. I was lying where the water had run down his body and I found that intensely erotic. Almost everything about Robert Kincaid had begun to seem erotic to me." The scene is as intensely erotic as a paper cut.

Redeeming Factor:
None. So we will use this space to remind you of the righteous scene in Unforgiven when Gene Hackman tells Clint, "You, sir, are a cowardly son of a bitch. You just shot an unarmed man." And Clint says, "He should have armed himself if he was going to decorate his saloon with my friend." Classic. Clint, stick to shooting guns, not photos.

04. Bridget Jones's Diary

Plot:
Bridget Jones (Renee Zellweger) is a frumpy British office assistant who keeps a diary of all her romantic screw-ups, gets her heart broken by her boss (the perennially begging-to-be-bitch-slapped Hugh Grant) and dresses less sexy than an Amish spinster. As if Zellweger's annoying British voiceover isn't bad enough, this movie has the worst chick flick soundtrack ever: a steady stream of girl power drivel like "All By Myself," "It's Raining Men" and "I'm Every Woman."

Worst Scene:
When Bridget gets an assignment to do a TV report on fire stations, she slides down a fire pole with her panty-hose-clad derriere directed straight at the camera. It's like gonzo granny porn, but not as sexy.

Redeeming Moment:
Hugh Grant getting punched in the face -- three times!

03. Steel Magnolias

Plot:
The doctor tells Shelby (Julia Roberts) that she can't have kids because she's diabetic and she could die. So she has a kid. Guess the ending. At least she was able to pass those genes for brilliance down to a new generation. Even the normally drop-dead sexy Daryl Hannah can't save the day, as her character looks like the homelier sister of Charlize Theron in Monster.

Worst Scene:
Daryl Hannah in Blade Runner, Splash and Kill Bill: hot. Daryl Hannah waxing Shirley MacLaine's lip: not.

Redeeming Moment:
Trying to scare birds out of a tree, Shelby's dad and brothers get all John Rambo and rig up Black Cat fireworks to a crossbow and shoot them into the branches, where they explode and scatter the flock. Too bad the movie doesn't have more explosive touches.

02. Ghost

click image to play movie clip

Plot:
Killed in a botched mugging, Sam (Patrick Swayze) lives on as a ghost, fueled by love, trying to protect his wife Molly (Demi Moore). After the credits roll, every man who was dragged to this movie wished he had been killed in a botched mugging on his way to the theater.

Worst Scene:
Is it Swayze singing, "Henry the Eighth"? Whoopi Goldberg talking about having gas? Moore's stone-washed Mom jeans? No, it has to be the single worst exchange in movie dialogue history:

Molly: "I love you. I really love you."
Sam: "Ditto."

Redeeming Moment:
No movie is a total loss when Swayze's character takes a bullet.

01. Beaches

Plot:
Bette Midler plays cheesy singer C.C. Bloom (what a stretch) and Barbara Hershey is her full-lipped, cancer-stricken best friend Hillary in this terrible tear-jerker. Told through flashbacks of the women's up-and-down friendship, the movie begins with Midler singing "Under the Boardwalk" and, hard as it is to believe, gets steadily worse from there.

Worst Scene:
As the sun sets over the ocean, Barbara Hershey dies on the beach, and Midler's very own "The Wind Beneath My Wings" plays in the background. Unfortunately, the rest of us have lived to hear "The Wind Beneath My Wings" yet again.

Redeeming Moment:
None. And Bette Midler wasn't even in Unforgiven.

Playboy.com via IMDb



Edit: The links are to Playboy.com but it goes to their "Arts & Entertainment" section (lol), so there is no porn or anything.
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Comments allowed for members only

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 296 comments
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →