fancycarousel (fancycarousel) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,

The Absolute Most WTF Celebrity Hookups of All Time

On Monday, the fabric of society was shredded by a solitary photograph. When Zac Efron kissed Michelle Rodriguez on a boat in Italy, "Zachelle" was officially born (I voted for "Michfron"), inciting a frenzy of shocked fans who simply could not believe they were together.

The world seemed to stop spinning all because High School Musical kissed Blue Crush. Because no one saw it coming. She was supposedly with Cara Delevingne; he was supposedly too busy taking his shirt off to fall in love. Kreskin smoking PCP in a sensory deprivation tank wouldn't have been able to predict those two as a couple.

But you needn't worry that Zachelle will be the final undoing of western civilization (the Comfort Wipe is still in the lead for that accomplishment). It's not the first time the world has collectively gasped and blurted out "Wait, those two are a couple?" Here is our look at the most bizarre, unholy, world-ending celebrity couples of all time.

Sandra Bullock and that gross mechanic Nazi guy

Sometimes your friends (or complete strangers who irrationally obsess about your private life on the Internet) try to tell you that the guy you are hooking up with is wrong for you. But you don't want to listen because Paula Abdul and a dancing fucking cat once said "Opposites Attract," so LALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU, HATERS. But Paula Abdul is completely full of shit and so is that cat.

Sandra Bullock found that out the hard way after she married "outlaw" glorified motorcycle mechanic and all-around shitty person Jesse James. This coupling was equivalent of that time when you were a little kid and wanted to have some Lucky Charms but there was no milk in the fridge. So you decided to use orange juice instead because you were a genius who figured out that juice tastes awesome and Lucky Charms taste awesome so obviously combining them was a no-brainer. ( How come mom never figured this out, you smugly said to yourself.) Everything was fine until the spoon hit your mouth then all your childhood dreams collapsed on your tongue. That "DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF" moment when your taste buds became the Three Mile Island of flavor is exactly what Bullock experienced the second she realized she was married to a philandering asshole who had a thing for Nazis. This isn't a guy who should be marrying one of the most bankable stars in Hollywood. This is a guy who should be convincing you to upgrade your motor oil brand at the Walmart Auto Center.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

It's easy to look back at all the couch jumping and accusations of brain washing and forget that these were just two crazy kids who spontaneously fell in love and weren't trying bolster their own careers or anything. Watching their "love story" unfold was the equivalent of shotgunning a Four Loko and watching a Maya Deren film in reverse. People were more skeptical of this relationship than climate change deniers are of everything comes out of Bill Nye's mouth.

Emilia Clarke and Seth MacFarlane

No, no, no, Khaleesi, no, what are you doing? You must stay away from the Man of a Thousand Boob jokes. You are the Mother of Dragons. He is the guy who made a bulimia joke at the Oscars.

Sean Penn and Charlize Theron

True fact: When I saw the first headline about their relationship, I went to Snopes to make sure it wasn't an elaborate Internet hoax. If Michelle Obama held a press conference tomorrow and said she was divorcing the president to marry the resurrected rotting carcass of Mussolini, I would be less horrified than I am by this relationship. The Cornballer seems like a more stable thing to be around than this coupling.

Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen

This celebrity hookup was so utterly WTF it ended up being its own crazy reality show. They first met on VHI's Surreal Life 3 and fell madly in love. They genuinely seemed to enjoy doing lots of drugs and being on television spending time together. It was like a relationship created by a six-year-old on an Etch-a-Sketch. It looks like a big, hot mess but when you take a step back, it's actually kind of beautiful. Then you're compelled to shake the shit out of it and pray that your brain will forever unsee what it was just exposed to. Actually, this might be one of the greatest love stories of all time. Fuck The Notebook; I'll take Strange Love as my romance guidebook any day of the week.


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