Tina & Amy Take Over Entertainment Weekly

This week’s issue of EW is going to feature a lot of T & A.

That’s Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, you sickos. The two women, who will host the Golden Globes next month for the second year in a row, accepted a one-week job to become guest editors of EW. What does that mean, you ask?

It means they wrote the Must List and Bullseye, assigned several stories and ran down the hallway screaming things like, “Orphan Black is the new Orange is the New Black!” and “Change all fonts to Comic Sans at once!” Of course, if you’re going to run a national entertainment magazine, you need to have a stunning command of the pop culture landscape. Which is why we asked the pair for their thoughts on how to cover some of 2013′s biggest pop culture topics.

The Hunger Games
POEHLER: It is a movie about who’s the most hungry…? Okay. Because I say Jennifer Lawrence is a delight, so I would put her on every page. Josh Hutcherson was really great on SNL.
FEY: Adorable.
POEHLER: I’m all for him. The rest of them, they seem great, but at the end of the day, it’s who’s the most hungry. [Pause] I’ve never seen it, and I’ve never read the books, but you know what, I would bet on that franchise.

Fifty Shades of Grey
FEY: I think it needs to be more realistic; I want to see them washing dildos in a dishwasher.
POEHLER: I want to double up on the Ben Wa Balls and maybe pull back on the characters…. How do you not cover it?
FEY: You gotta cover it.

Justin Bieber
FEY: Let that child be. Leave all the children alone.
POEHLER: Unless they act up, and then bring that child to me, and I’ll put that child over my knee and I will spank that child. Just how we both want it. I want to just give that child what he wants. But I think you gotta cover him! You gotta cover him with a blanket. Everyone needs a nap.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West
FEY: You gotta cover them. In every section, because it’s fashion, it’s film, it’s theater! They are an app. They’re everything…. If you look at tabloid magazines, it almost seems like not only are the Kardashians the most important people in the world, they’re the only people. It’s some kind of post-apocalyptic society and only they survived.
POEHLER: Like that movie I Am Legend. I remember I saw I Am Legend that during the writer’s strike, and I had a panic attack and I had to go lie down in the public bathroom because it was a combination of out of work, too much time, movie in the middle of the day and then spoiler alert, Will Smith has to kill his dog and I was like, “Oh f—!” And then I laid down in a New York movie theater bathroom and an old lady came in and she said, “Are you okay?” And I said, “Oh, god! I Am Legend!” So I Am Legend — that’s current, right? We can cover that!

Miley Cyrus
FEY: I think she almost falls into the All Children Left Behind Act.
POEHLER: She just turned 21.
FEY: So the window’s closing…. Human sexuality is the new showmanship, so Miley Cyrus is the new Liberace — but of ass grinding. Someday we’ll all be going to Vegas to see her.

Of course, in addition to simply figuring out which entertainment topics are worthy of coverage, a good editor also has an eye to the future. We asked Poehler and Fey to provide us with a few bold predictions about the world of pop culture in 2014. Here’s what they foresee:

• Fashion will all be about fresh skin, broken ankles, and a clean, receding gum line.
• The youngest and skinniest person will continue to be the one who “Wore it Best.”
• Nielsen ratings will be replaced by a bunch of teenagers who hang outside your check cashing place.
• iTunes will be available on your eyelids and Netflix will be installed in all newborn babies.

To find out if Poehler and Fey can indeed predict the pop culture future, tune in to 2014. And to read more from Fey and Poehler, pick up the new issue of Entertainment Weekly, on stands Friday.