1. Horatio Caine – CSI: Miami
Would you want David Caruso turning your tragic death into a bad pun? I didn't think so.
Just to make sure you’re 100% clear on the exact degree of cheesy badness that these puns can reach, we have compiled a list of our favorites for your reading pleasure. Behold:
- “You don’t spend a thousand dollars on clothes… that you’re never gonna wear.”
- “So our accident… is not an accident at all.”
- “The tide is rising… and we are on a sinking crime scene.”
Even better (or worse, depending on how you look at it) are the exchanges between homicide detective Frank Tripp (Rex Linn) and Horatio:
- Frank: “They call it speed dating. The victim had had fifteen dates.
Horatio: “Well, you know what they say, Frank… Speed kills.”
- Frank: “Her friends say she went down to drink mojitos and to catch some sun.”
Horatio: ”Well it looks like… something… caught her.”
- Frank: ”No matter how you cut it, divorce sucks.”
Horatio: ”Frank… it’s a killer.”
Yeah, this guy needs to stay far, far away from our hypothetical murder scene.
4. Will Graham – Hannibal
It’s not that he isn't a talented detective, because he is. Will Graham’s (Hugh Dancy) unique ability to get in the minds of the criminals he and the FBI tracks makes him particularly useful when it comes to the more creative and notorious serial killers. (This comes with a cost, of course – emotional demons, various mental and psychological issues, inability to interact with people without coming across as extremely weird and slightly psychotic.)
No, our issue with Will has more to do with the fact that, if he’s the one investigating our murders, that must mean we died in a really, really gruesome and possibly highly painful way. Take the murderer who turned his victims into a mushroom garden, for instance, or the dude who chopped up all his victims and made a gross totem pole out of their body parts.
And if you were unlucky enough to be targeted by Mr. Hannibal Lecter himself? Well, your remains are gonna end up in a fancy French dish and fed to unsuspecting dinner guests.
No one wants to go out like that, man.
6. Hank Schrader – Breaking Bad
Perhaps it’s a little cruel to put Hank on this list, considering his fate in “Ozymandias” – all because of his quest for justice against his brother-in-law. But that’s pretty much exactly why we’re putting Hank on this list, because – unfortunately for Hank – it was all too little, too late. Walter White was smart, that’s undeniable, but he was the brother-in-law of a successful DEA agent who should have been able to figure out Walt’s alter-ego as Heisenberg much earlier in the series.
It’s likely that Hank had a blind spot when it came to Walt (most of us would never suspect an unassuming high school chemistry teacher and close family member of being a notorious drug kingpin), but there were several points throughout the series where Walt exhibited suspicious behavior and Hank could have put two and two together. It wasn't until the last season of Breaking Bad, through sheer luck and just by being in the right place at the right time, that Hank finally came to that realization.