My darlings, I know that I have been gone for a while and I do so apologize. As for the rumors that say I was in a Taiwanese prison camp, well, I won't dignify them with a response. However, I would like to go on record saying that IF I were, any and all charges brought against me were erroneous and unjust. Furthermore, if pandas aren't allowed to be smuggled out of the zoo and kept as pets, as an American citizen, I should have been informed of this when I entered the country. But that is neither here nor there, all that matters now is that I am back and the absolute lack of inspiration presented by the Stella McCartney for goop line has truly inspired me. I feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, so white and thin, wanting to start again. So here is to new basics, new beginnings and being granted a full pardon.
Have you ever wanted to look exactly like everyone else but have all this money that you don’t know what to do with? Well you’re in luck! The Stella McCartney for GOOP black wool blazer is here to sop up those rich, white, organic tears with its complete and utter basicness. From the color to cut to the one button closure and side flap pockets, there is absolutely nothing creative or unique about this jacket. It’s the ultimate “fuck you and your money, dad” statement piece. It’s perfect for business meetings for your new “jewelry line,” officiating a gay wedding or a casual drug overdose. It works for every occasion and no occasion at all.
Prominent camel toes were all the rage as NYFW and these Stella McCartney for Goop black and navy jeans are giving it to you in spades! Now, for those “po folk” reading this from their local library computer, you may think that a velvet stretch pant isn’t exactly what constitutes the socially accepted norm for a jean but to you I say, shut the fuck, I went to Swiss boarding school and I’ll be damned if you think you are about to give those of us in the upper echelon a vocabulary lesson, you insolent peasant. These jeans even fit the model horribly so you know they are going to look absolutely horrific on you! And, let's face it, if we have learned anything from our queen Gwyneth it is that looking that absolute shit makes you a fashion darling, provided that you are white, rich and thin enough to slide graciously in between the crevice of Harvey Weinstein’s fupa.
Orange may be the new black but when it comes to prison jumpsuits, we still prefer the whitest shade of grey, especially when it comes to the Stella McCartney for goop charcoal jumpsuit. Jumpsuits are inherently unsexy, what with them essentially being a pair of long johns with a built in diaper, but for some of us, it simply isn’t enough. I didn’t intend to come forward in this article but I know that it is my duty as a human being to speak up about this very serious issue. I suffer, nay, I survive, a very serious affliction…being too beautiful. Being too beautiful is a plight that few truly understand but nonetheless it is a very real and very disheartening condition that makes it difficult for us to go about our day to day lives. From paparazzi photo shoots on our yachts to on-air segments about our new skincare line to red carpet events for horse charities, it is incredibly hard to go about these normal daily activities without suffering through the stares and leering eyes of jealous have-nots. But like beacons of white privilege light Stella and Gwyneth have created an ensemble so atrocious that once you put it on, no woman will ever have feelings of jealousy and no man will ever have feeling in his penis. So please, support those of us conquering this terrible condition by purchasing this hideous monstrosity for the low, low price of $1,240.
On to happier news, wearing sweatpants on a daily basis isn’t just for the poors anymore! Whilst the description tells you to wear these pants to work, I would suggest otherwise. #1 Real jobs are for poor people. #2 They are motherfucking sweatpants. #3 Wool will chaff your perfectly bleached ass. So where do you were these glorified, itchy sweatpants? Well, perhaps you are fresh into rehab and know that without a steady stream of amphetamines you are going to balloon up to 110 pounds. Fret not fatty, these were made with your tub of lard in mind. You see these Stella McCartney by goop black wool trousers have both an elastic waistband AND a drawstring so they will stretch just like the marks on your flabby post-rehab ass! Huzzah!
As a vegan who only eats chicken, fish and the occasional foie gras, I cannot condone the vicious slaughter of innocent animals (except sharks because fuck them and what they did to LA in during that tornado). For this reason, I fully support purchasing plastic handbags that cost exorbitant amounts of money and look like something like my great aunt Shelley the Shut-In would carry to her podiatrist appointments in 1982. These Stella McCartney for goop handbags are truly statement pieces as they offer no real fashion or function - just like goop herself!