Vanity Fair's Weekly Roundup of the Latest Celebrity News in Fanfiction Format

Each week, we [Vanity Fair] look at the biggest celebrity news—and amuse ourselves by imagining how those celebrities might have reacted.

Coldplay will have a song on the soundtrack for the next Hunger Games movie.

Gwyneth Paltrow—sipping on kale juice, on day three of her biweekly juice cleanse—enters Chris Martin’s studio as he puts the finishing touches on the track.

She snorts with laughter. “Heh. The Hunger Games. Welcome to my world, Martin.”


Lady GaGa releases her single “Applause” a day after Katy Perry releases her single “Roar”; “Roar” has remained in the top position on the iTunes chart.

Lady GaGa sits cross-legged on a mountaintop.

The orange paint that coats her entire body has almost dried; the tiara made out of newt corpses rests wearily on her head. She refreshes iTunes on her phone; she sees the rough outline of a four-letter word in the No. 1 spot.

She tosses her phone off the mountain and lets out a primal scream. “Abramović! Where the fuck are you when I need you?!!?!”


Jennifer Aniston reportedly switches her flight reservations when she learns she and Angelina Jolie are booked for the same flight.

“You know why Jennifer Aniston loves airplanes . . . ?” Angelina whispers to a napping Vivienne.

“Because they’re the only place anyone watches her movies.”


Prince William, in his first public speech since the birth of the Royal Baby, is photographed with a hawk resting on his arm.

Kate Middleton, watching the news on television, feeds George with a spoon. George looks up and points at the hawk.

“Yes, Papa is playing with a hawk . . . because our lives are made up of one silly appearance after another where we have to pose with strange animals and odd artifacts and bizarre artwork and smile and nod and shake hands and wave, and then the pictures show up on every Web site and newspaper—even if it’s a terrible picture in which one of our eyes is closed or you can see Will’s bald spot. It’s so all encompassing I have actually learned how to go an hour without blinking. Did you know that? It burns, George. It burns.”

She snaps out of it and shakes her head quickly. “I mean, Yes, Papa is playing with a hawk. Can you say hawk, Georgie? Hawk.”


Kevin Federline gets married to former professional volleyball player Victoria Prince in Las Vegas.

Britney Spears lays on her bed watching Princesses Long Island. Her manager enters and informs her that Kevin got married.

Britney picks up a half-finished iced coffee that’s been on her bedroom floor for over a week, as if to raise it up, but she stops herself.
“No, that’s too classy, even,” she mutters, as she retrieves a bottle of Mountain Dew from underneath her bed (the liquid has turned an almost-gray color). 

“This is more like it,” she smirks, holding up the bottle as a toast. “To Kevin!”

More celebrity fanfiction of the latest celebrity news, Vanity Fair-style, at the ( SOURCE )

What would your fictional take be on the latest celebrity news, ONTD?