There haven’t been a whole lot of Oscar movies yet this summer, but there have been a helluva lot of hot guys onscreen, so it all balances out. A friend of mine in the business works with celebrities for a living and gave me the inside track on which of the summer hotties are the hottest, the nicest, the blandest, and/or the most do-able (in one’s fantasy life, anyway).
Said he: “Channing Tatum’s appeal is that of the guy next door. He’s the kind of guy who you can imagine will come over and play with your kids while they’re in the pool, then go up and fuck you.” Huh? That’s what a guy next door amounts to nowadays? I’m obviously living in the wrong neighborhood. “In person,” he went on, “Channing is so funny and so charming. He’s been doing this for a while. The only thing that’s changed is he no longer has a desire or need to be liked. There was always this open quality where he was trying to engage you or win you over. Now there’s an acceptance that he’s achieved his goal and he’s comfortable with that.” I’m so happy he’s happy--but I hope he doesn’t mind me liking him anyway.
“Henry Cavill,” my nouveau Deep Throat continued, “is a more serious proposition. He is a deeply serious guy--a person you’d find difficult to joke with about anything. He’s the strong, silent, type. He’s somebody who would never be caught reading People magazine—he’s more likely to be immersed in a business journal. But think of how wonderful he’d be in bed, to take control!” I’m thinking, I’m thinking! And onscreen, what’s the man of steel’s super appeal, pray tell? “He’s the smoldering, hot guy,” said my know-it-all friend. “He’s not the guy next door—he’s the dark prince.” And I’m a big queen—we’d be perfect together. Someone alert Kaley Cuoco! Oh, they broke up already? Never mind.
I beamed the conversation right up to Star Trek and got my wise pal to offer his thoughts on the luscious Chris Pine and the gay Zach Quinto. “Chris is genial,” he offered, “and they have an interesting relationship onscreen. Even though Spock is having an affair with a woman now (played by Zoe Saldana), people have commented that the Spock/Kirk thing has a slight homoerotic tinge to it. Zach is also someone who’s very smart and very serious. He wears glasses not to look smart, but because he’s a real intellectual. And Chris Pine is a sort of a California beach dude. His fantasy appeal is that of a ‘fuck buddy.’ You know—the type where you stop by, you want a cup of coffee or a beer, you want to have a quick fuck, and then you’re both off to doing errands or having dates.” Again, I need to move to this incredible locale where stuff like this would happen (at least in my vivid imagination). It sounds like some very desirable surreal estate.
Yesssss, this is a weird article, but let's make it a fun celebrity fantasy post, y'all! What's your fantasy?