'The Face' recap: Naomi Campbell doesn't want to hear your sob story.

Sob Stories? Naomi Campbell’s Got No Time For All That On The Face

Oh, I see. You thought you could win The Face competition by appealing to Naomi Campbell’s softer side, tugging at her British heart strings and one-upping each other on who had the worst childhood? Nope, WRONG. First of all, Naomi Campbell doesn’t even have a softer side, so you’re better off challenging her in a cage fight elimination round than to give her a story about how you are struggling to make it in this world. Everyone is struggling to make it in this world – it’s called being in your 20′s, sweetheart. Second, Naomi’s too busy strategizing how to get her model team to win and then vote off the loser to her best advantage. So, be winning or be getting out of Naomi’s face. ‘Cause we all know that though she may empathize for a minute, thinking back on her early model career days, she’ll give you a swift kick in your size 2 ass…and be done with yah. The model girls on Team Naomi stand the best chance in this competition. Naomi will give you the best advice to win but also scare the living crap out of you if you lose. It’s model parenting at its best. Can you imagine Naomi Campbell and Nigel Barker as your parents? So dope.

Episode 3 of The Face has our models “Falling from Grace” as they compete in the usual Test Shoots, followed by the Campaign. Our newbie model Stephanie Lalanne has been on the bottom for the last two episodes. The other girls are hatin’ on her and her not being eliminated thus far. With more  revelations of daddy issues and trouble paying rent on time problems, we’re ready to jump into our test shoot segment.

This test shoot involves a little physical activity mixed with style. The model contestants will literally run and try to change out of their clothes and into Christian Siriano garb (complete with accessories) in the fastest time. It’s a fashion race with gratuitous quasi-nudity. With the exception of Sandra’s wardrobe malfunction (her doorknob was hanging out, says she…definitely stealing that one for use later tonight) nothing silly happened. My girl Devyn crushed the competition and everyone else was super slow. Until Margaux Brooke goes last and totes steals Devyn’s shopping spree but out-changing her by 2 seconds. A defeated and sore-losered Devyn comes down off her pedestal and cries, cheater! Cheating scandal! What is a cheating scandal in the cutthroat world of modeling? It’s turning a corner too casually. Seriously, that’s what it is. And although I commiserate and empathize with being a loser, especially being a loser of a $5000 shopping spree, Nigel Barker cuts her off and lets her know he’s made the HBIC command decision that Margaux is the winner. Ouch.
In between commercial breaks, we learn that Marlee Nichols just can’t be fiddling around with model competitions while her family is back home, struggling to pay the bills. She gracefully bows out to return home and that really sucks. Maybe they’ll try and bring her back on for a surprise round…or maybe she’ll get more bookings just from being in Naomi’s presence.

Next, we’re off to the campaign segment of our model show where we’ll practice important life lessons. Walking up and down the stairs in a couture (read: hard to walk in) wedding dress while being judged by several pairs of audience eyes. It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. I was pretty excited though, ’cause I love that scene in the Sex and the City movie where Carrie Bradshaw is trying on all the designer wedding dresses. This, sadly, was not the same. All the dresses were pretty and one was even a black wedding dress (too bold?), but the intention was all the same…we all definitely hoped they would fall down the stairs. Not in a mean way, but in a “oh hey, you’re in a model competition so let’s see you fail because you’re a beautiful person” way. Sandra starts crying for no reason (Sandra is on Naomi’s team so she starts WTFing immediately) and everyone rightfully so has anxiety about walking up and down these stairs in the huge dresses. Everyone pretty much nails it…except Zi Lin Luo who really nails it. Girlfriend walked up and down the stairs, flawlessly, in a 30 pound wedding dress. A couple of the girls sorta slipped but Margaux fell up the stairs a la Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars. And let’s face it, she’s no Jennifer Lawrence. As eventful as a walking up and down the stairs competition can be, we end with the confidence that Team Naomi won’t be beaten, literally, that night because they pretty much rocked it all the way. Team Naomi is crowned winner with plenty of squeals. So, you know the drill - Coco Rocha and Karolina Kurkova must send the sacrificial lambs to the Naomi slaughter. Muahahaha.

Ultimately, Brittany Mason and Ebony Olivia Smith are sent to look into Judge Naomi’s and tell her why they should stay and continue to compete to be The Face. Each tells Naomi their personal struggles and sob stories and why they deserve to be there more. Naomi’s all, “I don’t give a rat’s ass” through body language and outright saying it. You don’t get to where she is by crying and whining. Nope. This is modeling. You’d better bring it and neither one of these girls did. Brittany get the boot ’cause she couldn’t even be memorable in a black wedding dress for crissake. In model world, that’s being sent straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect any modeling agency contracts. It’s a rough rough world, but when Naomi is judging and cutting bitches (figuratively, this time), then you’d better heed her advice. And enjoy the show from the safety of your couch.

Anyone else watching this show? It is pretty great! They have a good group of models, and the challenges involve actual brands/designers/fashion people such as Cosabella, Vogue Eyewear, Kleinfelds, Ulta, and Patrick Demarchelier (so far!).

It airs Tuesdays on Oxygen.