I have to go goop.

It has been a while since I last posted about my darling Gwynniepoo and her adorably misguided jaunts into online retailory. As I'm sure you know, with the holiday season comes an endless barrage of black-tie, non-denominational soirees, gluten-free gefilte fish recipes and last-minute vaginal rejuvenations before the family arrives; not to mention a pesky little unplanned stay in Promises following a misunderstanding with the police investigators regarding my standard post-holiday cleanse and coke binge. Let's just say that spending New Year's Eve listening to LeAnn Rimes drunkenly extol the virtues of the late 90s soap Sunset Beach is no way to ring in the New Year, no matter how many Quaaludes you snuck in through your expertly bleached asshole. But not to worry my lovies, I have survived and thrived and I am back and bitchier than ever. So let us take this opportunity to openly and viciously mock everything that Gwyneth Paltrow stands for. Because we love her. And as my mother always said, when you love someone you mercilessly tear them down until they are nothing but an empty shell with rampant body dismorphia and a complete lack of empathy for others.

First up...Tammy Fender for goop Serum and Epi-peel Duo - $395
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Gwynnie says to "use the best-selling Epi-Peel at the end of the day to exfoliate and follow with the super rich Quintessential Serum to moisturize." Long story short, you pay her $400 for a couple of little bottles of shit to rub on your face so that you too can look like the ghost of an alpaca.

Luckily, I am launching my own beauty regime...

Tammie Brown for luvthatdrywata Fuck yo Face Duo - $3.95
For less than $4 (plus tax where applicable) I give you a paper bag, a travel size Purrell and a jar of store brand Vaseline. You smear that shit on your face and I'll have you looking like a fucking star.

Sweatpants, Valentine's and Notebooks Made of Dead People...Collapse )