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The 5 Most Baffling Pieces of Christmas Themed Fan Fiction

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Christmas is a time for family, goodwill toward your fellow man, and stories about Santa sodomizing Scooby-Doo. What, that last one's not a tradition for you? You must not be a fan fiction writer.

As we've told you twice before, fan-fic writers don't let little things like "sanity" get in the way of their favorite characters meeting and then immediately boning. And unlike the rest of us, they don't take a Christmas vacation. So without further ado, let's see the genital-shriveling ways they celebrate the holidays.



#5. Twilight's Edward Is Santa Claus, Ruins Christmas

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Sexy Santa is a Twilight fan fiction story that replaces all that vampire crap from the popular novels and movies with Santa-on-Santa sex. We'll let you decide if this is an improvement or not.

The story begins with series protagonist Bella Swan prancing around her house in some sexy Christmas-themed lingerie that her friend forced her to try on, when her sparkly vampire boyfriend Edward Cullen emerges from her chimney. Except that in this world, Edward isn't a vampire and they've never met before. Also he's Santa:

"Tisk, tisk, tisk. And if you are so curious my name is Edward Cullen, also known as Santa Claus all over the world."


Edward explains to the shocked Bella that he is literally St. Nicholas, but he didn't exactly come here to deliver any presents. Let's just say Bella's chimney isn't the only thing he'll be forcibly inserting himself into tonight.

Where It Gets Really Creepy:

It's not long before Edward Claus strips off his Santa suit and puts the "non-consensual" in "non-consensual sex":

The man smirked and stepped forward making Bella take a cautious step backwards. He took another step forward and she took one backwards. It was a game of predator and prey and it ended when Bella hit her couch and fell back into the comfortable pillows, Edward quickly climbing on top of her, trapping her to her couch.

"Y-you kn-know t-this can be illegal." Bella weakly said.

Bella, naturally, is turned on by the strange man in a Santa suit who invaded her home and pinned her to a couch, and they end up having sex. However, it turns out that their night of passion distracted Edward from his other obligations, and as a result the world has lived its worst Christmas since ever. Bella turns on the TV the next morning and sees a downcast newscaster deliver the following news:

"Today was a tragedy for most kids, and some adults around the whole word. More than half of the kids didn't receive their presents from Santa." The woman paused and looked into the camera with a sad expression.

And then, in a shocking plot twist, it's revealed that the whole thing was actually a setup: Bella's friend thought she needed to get laid, so she got her brother Edward to dress up as Santa and seduce her. They also bought television airtime and had their friends make a fake news report that happened to air at the exact moment Bella turned on her television, because that was simpler than just introducing the two.

#3. The Grinch Who Stole a Who's Virginity

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Yes, someone saw The Grinch Who Stole Christmas and thought, "This needs more fucking." It shouldn't surprise us, really, since technically the Grinch counts as a furry.

Dearly Beloved is set during the Grinch's teenage years, because an erotic tale starring a severely deformed adult covered in green hair somehow wasn't disturbing enough. It's been nine years since the Grinch left Whoville, and his childhood sweetheart, Martha May Whovier (a character from the Jim Carrey movie), misses him and decides to pay him a visit on Christmas Eve.

At first, the Grinch is less than thrilled to see her, as you can tell from his very un-Seussian language:

"Oh, Martha May, don't give me that inbreed Whoville bullshit." He turned back to her in a mocking voice. "No one should be alone on Christmas yada yada. I've been alone on Christmas for nine years, why is this one special."

But then Martha May reveals that "No one should be alone on Christmas" is code for "I'm here to jump your bones," and you can almost hear the hoo-hoovers and jing-tinglers start up a porno groove.

"There's one other present I want to give you." His eyes went to the bow on her throat. "Open it.


Where It Gets Really Creepy:

The Grinch completes their little gift exchange with a green, furry fingerbang:

He increased the speed of his hand, which increased the moans coming from her and decreasing the strength of her legs at the moment. She looked up at him, eyes pleading, "Grinch -- ah!"

Martha then returns the favor by giving the Grinch a handjob, so hopefully they had some carpet cleaning product at hand to wash out the resulting mess from his body before it hardened. Speaking of which, the Grinch is back in top shape in a matter of seconds, and what follows is a detailed description of him and Martha bumping uglies for the first time.

"No, no, no," He whispered into her ear, softly kissing her face in an attempt to lessen the pain. "You silly girl, your suppose to go slow, not impale yourself. Didn't your mother ever tell you that?"

It turns out that, despite being a virgin, the Grinch knows a lot about sex from reading the crumpled, sticky porno mags discarded by the citizens of Whoville. Finally he gets Martha to climax while looking at his face ... somehow:

Her back arched, her head tipped back and her eyes closed, mewing noises coming from her mouth. "Look at me." His voice came out in a harsh pant, she could barely manage to open them from the pleasure. "Oh!"

#1. Santa Reunites Harry Potter and His Dead Pedophile Lover

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Harry Potter has been thrust into so many uncomfortable pairings by fan fiction writers that we're not even surprised by these stories anymore. Harry teams up with Batman? There are a bunch of those. Harry and Obama? Yep. The story Come Christmas Morning, however, is a real holiday miracle because it proves that our ability to be shocked by the Internet isn't completely broken yet.

The story, set in the future, begins with Harry's twin 4-year-old daughters sending a letter to Santa where they ask for their father's true love to be returned to life. Who are they talking about? Why, it's none other than the late Professor Severus Snape, the borderline sociopathic teacher who 90 percent of all non-Harry Potter readers assume to be the villain of the series.

And so, on Christmas morning, Harry finds a living Snape unceremoniously dumped on his doorstep by Santa Claus, apparently a necromancer as well as a toymaker. Although Harry is an adult now, the story explains that he and Snape hooked up while he was still a young student, carefully weaving their romance around the last book's events:

They had gotten together in the middle of Harry's six year with the help of their friends and family. The teachers had approved after many promises of no favoritism and the headmaster had congratulated them with a mad twinkle in his eyes.

Yeah, because that's the only problem here. Teacher favoritism. Anyway, Harry and zombie Snape soon get reacquainted and start getting hot and heavy:

The hands around his hips grew more confident as they moved sensually down to his arse. Harry couldn't help the moan that was lost into Severus' mouth. The fingers squeezed him as that tongue dueled with his, exploring every part of his mouth. They did not break apart until the need for air had left them gasping and lightheaded.

Where It Gets Really Creepy:

Now, we know what you're thinking. "If Snape was Harry's only love, where did his daughters come from? Also, where did this boner in my lap come from?" Only you can answer the second question, but the story explains the first plot hole. Snape and Harry made love once before Snape died and, well, accidents happen:

The twins, Eileen and Lyly, were born eight minutes apart with Eileen being the oldest. When Severus died, Harry had been six weeks pregnant.

Yes, Snape knocked Harry up. No, Harry isn't a girl in this story. So, are you imagining Daniel Radcliffe being sodomized by Alan Rickman and then giving birth to his children? You are now! Merry Christmas!

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Tags: books / authors, harry potter, twilight
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