pedantstools (peddlestools) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,

Gawker grades the Golden Globes menu

The best thing about Golden Globes night is that it provides dinner to a roomful of stars who otherwise could not afford to feed themselves. The celebs sit smushed elbow-to-elbow at round dinner tables and the International Ballroom of the Beverly Hilton looks like an Olive Garden the ad sales department has rented out for its 2003 F-ad-bulous Employee Recognition Dinner. Also everyone gets wasted, which is great for .gifs.

In order to live vicariously through the stars we were always destined to be, let's take an inside look at this year's just-announced menu:

First Course

Grilled Artichoke on Frisee served with Fennel Tomato Lemon Mousse; Kabocha pumpkin smoked dried tomato tart; pepper honey Goat Cheese [this sounds fucking awful. the only thing that would make this worse is foam]

Unlike at Applebee's, where the "apps" section is hands-down the greatest region of the menu, many of these items are either
barely food or not food at all. They are simply lists of unrelated nouns separated by spaces and sometimes semicolons. Fennel Tomato Lemon Mousse; Cucumber Asprin Thyme Fricassee. And why is the artichoke served on a frisbee? And How do you parse a phrase like Kabocha pumpkin smoked dried tomato tart?

"Kabocha-pumpkin smoked dried-tomato tart"
"Kabocha pumpkin-smoked dried tomato tart"
"Kabocha, pumpkin. Smoked, dried tomato tart."

It is undiagrammable.

Grade: Upside-down question mark (¿)

Second Course

Smoked Flat Iron Steak and Pacific Sea Bass [no vegetarian options? wtf?]

Crashing hard from the bath salts high of the first course, the Golden Globes chefs are playing it safe with the entrées.These dishes, old favorites both, are the Julia Louis-Dreyfus of the menu: not going to win any awards, but it was a pleasure running into them.

Grade: A solid B


Cappucino Mousse Cake [nice job misspelling cappuccino tbh, is that similar to how Brinty spells frappuccino? or does she spell it w/ an h? i bet she spells it w/ an h]

This coffee-flavored course serves as a big Fuck You to the kids in attendance (the girl from Moonrise Kingdom, the boy from Moonrise Kingdom, and Zooey Deschanel). It's unclear why the chefs have opted to inject caffeine into the stars through back-alley dessert-based channels when most of the guests are more likely to accept an after-dinner coffee or coke bump than chomp through a thick mousse. Then again, all the espresso shots in the world won't be able to jolt Dame Maggie Smith out of her champagne waking-dream by the time her category is announced the tail end of the broadcast.

Grade: D-

And that's it! Doesn't seem like a lot of food, does it? More a polite cheek kiss than an a disgusting orgy of flavors.

I guess that's why everyone drinks.

Anne, if you really want that Oscar, you'll put down that fork and talk about starving yourself in 17 more articles.

Also pls note that my gif of Brenden Fraser seal clapping is behind the cut b/c this post was initially rejected for that reason I guess?? Are gifs no longer allowed? Poor people, pls upgrade your computers/internet speed pls so we can go back to posting gifs outside the cut, thx!!

Fennel Tomato Lemon Sauce
And some goddamn foam
Tags: award show - golden globes, food / food industry

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