The Greatest Photo Ever Taken.

1 (1)

Can we just survey the beauty of this shot for a moment? It may be my most favorite photo ever taken. I love it more than my most cherished family photo. I love it more than my family themselves. Whilst celebrating the opening of a restaurant called "Bodo's Schloss," which sounds like a cruel nickname for a nasally-impaired Jew, Gwynnie was positively radiant from tip to toe-feathers.

Starting with her face. A vision. She looks like she just let out a silent but deadly fart whilst gleefully plotting our death. If this doesn't become her signature look I will be more devastated than Long Island after Hurricane Sandy. Too soon? Too bad. Long Island is Manhattan's chubby, ginger cousin; you don't really wish it ill-will but you don't want to be seen near it and you most certainly are going to talk shit about it.

Anyway, let's move down to her jacket...her sweater? ...Her sweater jacket? I don't know what the fuck it is but it is probably expensive as shit. Like St. John or Lanvin or that expensive kind of Donna Karan they don't sell at the JC Pennys. It looks like something my grandmother would wrap up in because the towelheads weren't going to get her gas money or because the gays were causing global warming or because old people are just generally cold all the time because death is slowly creeping up upon them. I can only hope that this look means Goopy Goop has also adopted my dear, bigoted Grams' scent; an intoxicating blend of Vicks Vapo-Rub, moth balls and hatred of all other cultures.

Now let's get into Gwyneth's pants...I mean TO her pants...not that I don't want to get in her pants...I just don't think I could, they'd be a few sizes too big. After all, Gwynnie is a pleasantly plump size 4 and I am a perfect 000 (size 00 positively swim on me, I must have them tailored down). But I digress, don't you just love the satin pajama pants Gwynnie has decided are suitable for public wear? I love the way the iridescent fabric makes her chicken-like thighs look like California Condors; massive and bulging and ready to attack at a moment's notice. It's terrifying. And sexy. It's terrifyingly sexy. like vampires or cage fighters or Mexicans.

And finally we end with her feathered hooves. They make her look like Big Bird's goth cousin. Or like a transitioning werewolf. Or like it's her turn to be the Black Swan!!! Whatever the reason she wore these Jimmy Choo's, I approve. They are the perfect end to a perfect outfit. Like a warm bath after a long day's work or a perfect chocolate morsel after a delicious meal or a, oh who am I kidding? I don't work or eat. I'm a goop reader after all. The shoes are perfect because they are worn by Gwyneth. And that is really all they need to go from practically poop to perfectly goop.