Movies Guaranteed Not to Get You Laid

It's fun list day here at the office, and for the next two days its all about movies! (Possible Spoilers ahead!)
Today's list comes from my two hour discussion with our IT department, and I think they are speaking from experience...unfortunately. (You didnt hear that from me.)

Movies Guaranteed to Not Get You Laid!


Steel Magnolias

Aright, we see what you are trying to do here. Picking a chick flick and being willing to sit through it seems like a genius plan, and if it was any other movie, you'd be right. But this is the ultimate chick flick,and I can say with all honesty that your pants will only be coming off if they are on fire. No one is going to want to put out after spending a half hour crying over Julia Roberts' characters death, and Sally Field's emotional breakdown.



Trainspotting is a great book made into a pretty decent movie, thats actually on the BFI's list of Top 100 British Films. But that doesn't mean its a good film to watch after a nice romantic dinner. If you can get wood after watching Ewan McGregor's diarrhea scene, and the fucked up dead baby crawling on the ceiling withdrawal scene, you have more serious problems than dating. Just sayin'.



Closer, while having the plus of Natalie Portman stripping, is the most jaded and cynical movie about relationships I have seen in a long time. If you are planning to be or currently in a long-term relationship, I would definitely advise against this film, as you will both just end up depressed by the film's end.


Schindlers List

What could be hotter than a 186 minute long film about the Holocaust? Pretty much anything else.


Hard Candy

A movie that shows you how you can't always trust who you meet online. If you and your date met online, I think you will understand why this is a bad flick to watch. To tell you any more reasons why this wont get you laid would ruin the movie, but lets just say the film starts off with a 32 year old man and a 14 year old girl meeting after chatting online.



A movie considered by many to be unwatchable due to the violent rape of Monica Bellucci's character, and the public beating towards the end of the film. It has also been said to be extremely homophobic by reviewers, and is considered part of the New French Extremity movement, which is rooted in art house and transgressive filmmaking.



Oh, Lars von Trier, you never fail to shock people. Antichrist's most shocking scenes are the ones that involved genital maiming. In case you didn't quite catch that, Ill repeat: GENITAL MAIMING. Both male and female. Good luck getting it in after watching this, is all I have to say.

Saucey Sauce.