We assume that the vast majority of you reading this are familiar with the Internet's obsession with fan fiction, where regular people write new adventures involving their favorite characters. And we further assume that you already know that most of these stories involve characters from one series having all kinds of depraved sex with characters from another.
So let us once again take a look at some of the most mind-boggling pairings the minds of fan fiction writers have come up with ...
#5. Professor Snape from Harry Potter Diddles the Teletubbies
The Harry Potter universe is apparently a favorite setting for writers of erotic fan fiction: We've already told you about the steamy stories where Ron Weasley's brothers hook up with Lance Bass from N*Sync and Indiana Jones molests Lord Voldemort. Even then, nothing, absolutely nothing, can prepare you for the time when Professor Severus Snape met the Teletubbies ... and had sex with them.
In the story, Professor Snape (and we assume from here on out that you're imagining Alan Rickman, who played him in the movies) is suffering from existential despair, despite having a sweet teaching job in a smelly dungeon and enviably greasy hair. He brings his troubles to his superior, Dumbledore, who orders Snape to take a vacation in the sunny land of the Teletubbies. Snape does just that.
Now that the writer has properly established a plausible scenario for the characters to meet, let the fucking begin.
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
It turns out the Teletubbies are slightly curious about sex, and who better to teach them about it than a potions professor at a magic school? Snape demonstrates how it's done with female Teletubbie Laa-Laa:
"Teletubbies, lay her with me, I'll teach you how to be a man. Oh, but you Poo, aren't ready yet. You are too young baby. Stay here in the corner and play with you small hose."
Later, Professor Snape teaches Dipsy how to turn Tinky Winky's butt into an instrument of pleasure:
"Oh Dispy, he don't have crotch mouth. But behind him, you will find a pork's eye. Don't be afraid, it's dirty, but after a while you will like the fine flavor of melted chocolate covering your lips."
But it doesn't stop with poop. Snape's fascination with bodily fluids continues as the lesson descends into an all-out orgy featuring boogers, vomit and bathing in fountains of breast milk. It's just a single-minded medley of every conceivable excretion, but the scariest part is that we can't shake the feeling that Snape is in his element here.
Think about it: Snape has spent decades living in a wizard's basement studying odd chemicals, has almost no friends, is most likely a virgin and is still obsessed with a girl he knew as a boy. Smearing poop on Teletubbies sounds exactly like what he must imagine sex to be like. But our favorite line in the whole story might be this:
His nut sack was very white and hairy and exhalled a snake oil parfum essence.
Him and his wheezing nut sack.
#4. Professor X Has a Three-Way With Magneto and Hannibal Lecter
Charles Xavier, the man who will one day lead the X-Men as Professor X, is sitting in a cafe near Oxford when his mutant powers detect a disturbed mind sitting near him; not just any type of disturbed, but "That guy's esophagus would taste exquisite with some Dom Perignon" disturbed. Charles quickly leaves the cafe, but the man follows him home and invites himself in. His name, we find out, is Hannibal Lecter.
This story combines the settings from the movies X-Men: First Class and Hannibal Rising (a prequel to The Silence of the Lambs), meaning that both characters are still in their 20s and you can stop picturing Patrick Stewart and Anthony Hopkins making out now (if you can). After a bumpy introduction, Charles and Hannibal start getting along better. Way better.
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
When he raised his head to see, Hannibal's mouth was already closing around his cock, and-
Charles whimpered and clutched at the sheets.
OK, stop right there. So, Charles knows that Lecter is a cannibal. He's been inside his head, he knows he's eaten at least one other person so far ... and he still lets the guy put his mouth around his penis? Do we really need to explain how that could go very, very wrong? It seems to us like this is exactly the type of perilous situation that Charles' mental powers are designed to prevent.
After a few nights of passion, Hannibal goes away, but Charles remains fascinated by the man and his magic lips. Months later, Hannibal returns with a friend -- a young Erik Lehnsherr, aka the future Magneto. Yep, apparently the comic neglected to mention that the two mutant frenemies were first introduced by Hannibal the Cannibal, although considering that this was followed by several sex scenes and a menage a trois, it's obvious why they wouldn't want to bring it up again in front of the kids.
Hannibal had gotten lube somewhere, proper lube. He's never fucked you, has he? he asked.
"Oh," Charles said, turned on as fuck. "No. We've never."
It is time that he did. The door slammed shut, and in the next second Hannibal was there, groin grazing against Charles' ass, pressing Charles' own erection against Erik's.
After the three are done playing Human Centipede, Hannibal and Erik leave for good the next morning to continue tracking down and killing the Nazis that tortured them when they were children. Because, yep, that's what they were doing together -- this could have been Magneto and Lecter: Nazi Hunters, but the author decided that a whole bunch of fucking sounded way more interesting.
#3. The Tetris/Death Note Erotic Fan Fiction
Death Note is about a crazy kid who kills unworthy people by writing their names in a magic notebook, like Dexter but with more Japan. Tetris is about falling blocks. The only thing these two properties have in common, literally, is that someone wrote a fan fiction story where the universes intersect and sex ensues. Somehow.
The story stars one of the main characters of Death Note, Mello, a teenage detective trying to capture the Death Note killer (or "Kira"). One day, Mello finds himself trapped inside a game of Tetris:
His first thought was, Shit I've been drugged.
His second thought was, "Kira wouldn't need to drug me, he'd just write down that I'd have bizarre hallucinations and then die at the end, after he'd had his laugh."
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
And his third thought was, "I didn't expect tetris blocks would have such an odd texture."
Here we go. Mello begins groping the giant Tetris blocks and is surprised to find out that they are "soft, firm and oddly slippery all at once," like featureless square-shaped people.
Things really get going when a block lands on top of Mello and begins thrusting itself on him in a rather inappropriate manner ...
As if the block had understood but disapproved, it only became much more vigorous in its efforts, grinding against Mello in the most annoying way.
... somehow causing his clothes to disappear:
He kicked again with both legs at once, and abruptly realized his boots were now missing as his bare feet connected with the softly glowing, strangely slippery blue block. A split-second later, he realized that it wasn't just his boots. All his clothing had somehow dissolved or poofed out of existence.
This is the writer's clever way of getting around the fact that Tetris blocks can't take someone's clothes off, because they don't have hands. It's almost as if whoever invented Tetris hadn't anticipated the eventuality that they would be used in porn.
Mello felt the slippery soft-yet-firm texture gently penetrating him from behind, tentative and exquisite, almost like a pair of lips and a tongue. It was spreading him, rubbing and rocking, beginning to almost lick him deep inside.
Wait, is Mello fitting the entire block into his ass, or do Tetris blocks have penises? Everyone, take a second and think about this. Also, why exactly did this have to be a character from Death Note, again? At this point, it makes no difference who the other person is. It's still sex with Tetris blocks.
Eventually, however, Mello wakes up from his bizarre dream, and we find out that he had been in an orgy with a bunch of couch cushions. Yeah, OK, we've all been there.
#2. The Jonas Brothers Do It With the Band of Brothers
In this 50,000-word Internet novella, the Jonas Brothers are alive during the 1940s and enlist to fight in World War II. The older brother, Kevin, is sent to the Pacific, while Nick and Joe go to the Western Theater, ending up getting stuck in Bastogne with the men of the Easy Company (as seen in the HBO miniseries Band of Brothers). Naturally, boning ensues.
But before that, Captain Winters (played by Damian Lewis in the miniseries) notices something suspicious about these fresh-faced young soldiers:
"Oh, and Nick?" Winters says, smiling a little bit. "Out of curiosity, how old are you really?"
Nick's stomach sinks. "Um. I'm eighteen, sir."
"I'm not going to bust you," Winters says. "You're what? Seventeen? Sixteen?"
He's looking at Nick in that fatherly way he has, so without quite meaning to, Nick mutters, "Sixteen."
Wait, so the author could transplant the Jonas Brothers to another era almost 60 years before they were born, but aging them slightly to make what's about to happen less offensive was unacceptable? And no, we're not talking about fighting in a war.
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
At one point, Nick follows Captain Nixon (Ron Livingston) to an abandoned area and they get drunk. One thing leads to another, and soon they're wrestling, which inevitably leads to making out. Rather than downplaying the fact that he's a minor, the author makes sure to point out how innocent and inexperienced little Nick Jonas is:
Well, he's only kissed one person, really, a girl from his church youth group. And that wasn't -- they just pressed their lips together for, like, a second, which was all he thought a kiss was. Not this, all tongues and wet heat, this pressing forward that makes him want things he doesn't even know about.
When the commanding officers find out that Captain Nixon is having a torrid love affair with a Jonas Brother, they're totally cool with it, and the lovebirds are free to continue sleeping together and sharing cocktails while the war rages on outside.
Nick brings the mimosas out a few minutes later, handing one to Nix in one of the fancy champagne flutes that came with the house.
But the worst part isn't the mimosas: It's the fact that Band of Brothers is based on real war heroes, including Captain Lewis Nixon, who came home with over a dozen decorations. None of those medals mentioned "boning Nick Jonas." None of them.
So how could it get more distasteful than that? Well ...
#1. Goku from Dragon Ball Z and Anne Frank Fall in Love, Fight Super-Hitler
The year is 1944. Little Anne Frank is hiding from the Nazis in the secret annex of her father's office building, when suddenly a strange man appears in a flash of light:
Someone who she had never seen before! His clothes were very strange, and his hair was in a spiky style that was totally new to her. She stood against the wall, wary of the stranger, but he walked towards her and smiled, extending a hand. "My name is Goku."
Goku. From Dragon Ball Z. In Anne Frank's attic.
While we can't ever hope to comprehend why this would happen, we can attempt to tell you how: Goku explains that he was "caught into a time portal" and needs a few minutes to recharge his cells before going back to his time. Those fleeting minutes, however, are more than enough for Anne to become smitten with him. She tries to kiss him, but sadly, Goku breaks her heart when he confesses that he's married, leaving in another flash of light. Anne says she'll never forget Goku until the end of time.
So wait, he's just gonna leave this young girl to die at the hands of the Nazis? That doesn't sound like the Son Goku we know. This is just the author masterfully toying with our emotions, it turns out, because just a month later, Goku returns to save Anne from the Gestapo. At that moment, he confesses his love, and the fact that he's married is never mentioned again in the story.
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
Let's leave aside the fact that Goku is a warrior from a superior alien race, the Saiyans, who turns blond and blue-eyed when he powers up, and Anne Frank is a Jewish girl who really existed and died in World War II ... actually, let's not leave that aside, because that's all sorts of messed up.
But then things turn even weirder when Goku and Anne fly to Paris and battle the entire Third Reich. After Goku hijacks a tank and goes on a Nazi killing spree, Hitler is met in a final confrontation:
Hitler continued laughing, then finally said "Goku! You came here expecting to find a madman, but instead, you found a GOD!" Hitler had become a Super Saiyan.
So, wait, is Hitler from Goku's race? Was his Aryan ideal actually about Super Saiyans all along? Because that ... that makes a frightening amount of sense.
After a mighty battle that would have taken at least 20 episodes of the anime series, Goku disintegrates Super Hitler with a Kamehameha, destroys the time machine and moves to Australia with Anne, where they get married and settle down. Hey, at least they spared us the sex scene in this one.