Renee Zellweger: Cover of Russian Harper's Bazaar

For those of you fluent in Google Russian, that headline is asking Harpo who this woman is, because I had to squint like a stoned sloth pushing out a stubborn fart to realize that this is starter beard Renee Zellweger on the cover of Russian's Harper's Bazaar. I don't know whether to ask "What did they do to your face?" or "What did YOU do to your face?"

Renee's face could have suffered at the hands of Photoshop, but it could've also been changed out for a new one at the plastic surgery factory. Renee has been laying low on all fronts, and so maybe during that time she tucked, chopped and stretched her face until she looked like a wax figure of Jack Lemmon in Some Like It Hot.

Somebody has to pay for taking the squint out of Renee's eyes. Life just isn't the same without Renee Zellweger looking like she's doing a really offensive impersonation of Mickey Rooney doing a really offensive impersonation of an Asian in Breakfast at Tiffany's.