gotaholdonhope (gotaholdonhope) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,

Flawless Alien Running for President


Roger Smith wrote a blog for the Huffington Post responding to questions about his bid for presidency. Here's what he had to say:


BIGISLANDER: But is Roger a "natural-born citizen"?

ROGER: Why, I am offended! What, I had to squeeze through a stubborn birth canal just to run for president? I'll have you know, many quality Americans were born by C-section! Ronald Reagan? C-section. Forest Whitaker? C-section. All of my dog's puppies? C-section. I'll admit I got a little impatient. I just really love puppies.

MARILYN O'BRIEN PIPIA: living in florida born in new york city were do they deport me to back to new york i need a coat then. do they have coat stamps?

ROGER: trying to read this having some problems but I catch your drift and if you can't sew your own coat and/or hire your own Chinese workforce then what kind of American are you?

SHAKYLEGS: Now we're getting somewhere, by someone who is an analytical genius. Deport the poor. It can be done, we just need a country to send them to. But which country? I propose the U.S. buy Greenland! it is a huge subcontinent with hardly any people living there.

ROGER: First of all: "Subcontinent"? Racist. Greenland is as much a continent as any other country. Second of all, "Deport the Poor" is not meant to determine people's futures. Once you're off red, white, and blue soil, you're free to chart your own course because you are an American! I mean, not any more you're not, but you can still pull yourself up by your own bootstraps and find a new land! Okay, we're taking your boots. But good luck anyway. Write if you get work. And not before.


ROGER: What do you look like? Because we could either be moving too fast or not fast enough. Just understand now, if you get cancer, I will leave you. Twice. @newtgingrich


PJagodzinski: @RogerSmith2012 Hi handsome, every candidate needs a mistress and I wanted to let you know I am available for some fun with the press!

ROGER: This brings up a very important point. The Roger Smith campaign is looking for people willing to be implicated in one or more of my upcoming scandals. Must be able to type 73 words per minute, and wrangle an 8-ball in every major city. Except Detroit. I got a guy in Detroit.

DMicalizio: @RogerSmith2012 - recruiting volunteers? :-)~

Another important point. Here's what we need from you all. Buy yourself some official, collectible, I-think-made-in-America Roger for Prez gear at Head out to a rally of the president or one of these also-rans from Republican land, wear your shirt, button, etc., take a picture and twitpic it to @rogersmith2012. Then take off that gear, take another picture, and see if you can Anthony Weiner it over to me.

kasemannn: Fuck anyone who's running for president that's not @RogerSmith2012

You. Are. Hired. And although my campaign manager won't let me, there's nothing stopping you from putting that slogan on as many shirts and bumper stickers as you can. And if you do, let me know. I'm good for five of everything.

revtimmyt: @RogerSmith2012 Now here's a candidate I can get behind!

ROGER: Sometimes these jokes just write themselves, eh?


CATHERINE MISKOW: I'm writing you in.

ROGER: Thank you! And remember kids, if you live in Alabama, Wyoming, Vermont, Iowa, New Hampshire, or Delaware, YOU CAN WRITE-IN ROGER SMITH FOR PRESIDENT. I mean, what else are you doing? You live in Alabama, Wyoming, Vermont, Iowa, New Hampshire, or Delaware.

Be sure to check back often, as I'll be answering your questions with great irregularity. (Notice how I capitalize the first word in all of these sentences? It's called a shift key.)

Follow Roger on Facebook:

On Twitter: @RogerSmith2012 and @RogerSmithAD

And Online:

TV Guide Magazine: What's your plan for stimulating the economy?
Smith: My stimulation plan normally involves alligator clamps, a car battery, a bucket of Wesson oil, two free-range chickens, a Swedish tourist and the third season of Mr. Belvedere.

TV Guide Magazine: Boxers or briefs?
Smith: Boxers. No, briefs! Actually, either one as long as they're edible.

TV Guide Magazine: Who's the first entertainer you'd invite to the White House?
Smith: Justin Timberlake. He's pretty much the reason I'm running. For the last several years, I've been having a dickens of a time getting ahold of him. But he can't keep ignoring me if I'm president, right?

TV Guide Magazine: You're a connoisseur of great wigs. Which candidate's hair do you admire most?
Smith: It's not a level playing field. Rick Santorum's the only candidate who is obviously not wearing a hairpiece. Some might find Santorum's follicular honesty admirable, but my question is: How do you vote for a guy who is so clearly antitechnology?

Tags: cartoon / children's show, television, television - fox

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