foreverxromance (foreverxromance) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,

Paula Deen's Top 10 Deadliest Recipes

Last week, Paula Deen, the sweet-talking Southerner and Food Network star who measures a meal's worthiness in sticks of butter, revealed that she has been living with Type 2 diabetes for the last three years.

We can hardly claim shock at the diagnosis of the self-proclaimed "mayonnaise freak" who, when asked to describe her philosophy for life in six words said, "Might as well eat that cookie." (Hell, we featured her prominently on a previous countdown of The 10 Food Shows Most Likely To Kill America.) But we are curious about how Paula can close those icy blue eyes as night knowing she's been shamelessly instructing Americans to chow down on concoctions that routinely forgo healthy ingredients in favor of heavy cream, cheese, sugar, and of course, meet her two-stick-minimum of butter.

Paula can drawl all she wants about how her disease is "not a death sentence,” but at the end of the day, who can keep track of the couch-bound-masses she's charmed into an early demise? We certainly can't, but we can count down the malevolent morsels she's unleashed on America that will undoubtedly get the job done most efficiently. Caution: You are now entering a green-free zone. These are Paula Deen's 10 Deadliest Recipes.

10. Ultimate Fantasy Deep Fried Cheesecake

While you're dreaming about women dressed tight leather body suits, Paula is up late fantasizing about what would result if an egg roll and a cheesecake had a baby. You may never get your hands on the girl with the all-latex-everything, unfortunately, but Paula already actualized her dreams.

With a lust for life lard, she created a cheesecake with two packages of cream cheese, a bar of white chocolate, and 7 tablespoons of butter, shoved it into a spring roll wrapper, deep fried the crap out of it, and threw some whipped cream and powdered sugar on top. Why the hell not? It's her fantasy! Now she can toss these bite-sized suckers back like peanuts! Ain't no slowing her down, y'all!

9. Brown Sugar Bacon

You get exactly what you signed up for with Paula's straightforwardly sinful brown sugar bacon—thick-cut slabs of bacon heavily coated with chili powder and a sludge of brown sugar. Think of it like a human equivalent of a "Beggin Strip" that will have you whimpering and pleading your way to your own diabetic demise! Neat trick, Paula!

8. The Lady's Brunch Burger

Proof Paula is a naughty, naughty girl. She knew how little self-control we had in the presence of an undercooked piece of cheese-covered beef! And she exploited our deepest darkest desires by throwing on a fried egg, a few slices of bacon, and sandwiching it all between two sticky glazed donuts. We feel so used.

It's a filthy way to go, but at least we went out in the throes of culinary pleasure!

7. Deep Fried Lasagna

Paula's biggest qualm with this already-decadent Italian dish? All those messy layers (smothered in seven types of cheese) are delicious, but too hard to eat! In an effort to make lasagna more portable, Paula took each piece, cut it into more manageable pieces, and fried them for a maximum longevity in her purse and sweater pockets!

Obesity-to-go, anyone?

6. Broccoli Salad

Rumor has it that the Jolly Green Giant let a single tear fall when Paula unveiled this lethal recipe, a stealth and criminal concoction that she has the gall to call a salad. The single head of broccoli the recipe calls for merely serves as a vehicle for the sea of sugar, cheddar cheese, and bacon that is swimming in the heaping cup of mayonnaise this innocent stalk of broccoli gets smothered in.

Word on the streets is Paula's body rejects green things on principle, so this is how she manages to confuse her mouth into letting it pass: "Bacon detected, move along!"

5. Fried Stuffing On A Stick

Ordinarily, we can at least give Paula points for creativity (you have to admit, chug-able lasagna is a stroke of evil genius), but this recipe was not only lethal, but also amazingly lazy. While undoubtedly drunk off bourbon-spiked sweet tea, Paula decided to throw together some leftover stuffing made with over a pound of sausage, coat it with crumbled cheese biscuits, and toss it into the deep fryer.

And oh yeah, put it all on a stick. "Why should corn dogs have all the fun, y'all?"

4. Cheeseburger Meatloaf And Sauce

Paula Deen feels about beef the same way that Rihanna feels about thrusting in her music videos—there can never be enough. Rather living her life knowing that cheeseburgers and meatloaf had never met, Paula brought the two together for an unholy union of ground beef, cheddar cheese, and sour cream that makes healthy decision-making a thing of the past!

"To hell with firm thighs, I'll have the cheeseburger AND the meatloaf! Don't forget the extra cheese!"

3. Peanut Butter Cheese Fudge

Paula's recipe for peanut butter cheese fudge reads like it was written by a toddler on a sugar-rampage in the pantry, wildly pulling things off the shelves. A half pound of Velveeta cheese, a cup of peanut butter, and two 1-lb. boxes of confectioner's sugar? Does that even make sense?

No, it doesn't, because it's missing one thing: the butter. "Too much butter? I've never heard of such a thing," Paula says with an evil glint in her eye, as she adds two sticks to the sinister mess of cheese, sugar, and peanut butter she has simmering on the stove.

For the record, that was an actual quote, not the product of our cruel imaginations.

2. Paula's Fried Butter Balls

You know how we know Paula hates America? SHE DEEP FRIED BUTTER! She literally rolled up butter and cream cheese, seasoned it, covered it in egg and flour, and dropped in the deep fryer nonchalantly. Followed of course, by a smug smirk in the direction of the obesity gods.

Things Paula may have said after creating this recipe:

"It's my cooking show, I'll fry if I want to."

"I'll never gnaw on another stick of butter without breading on it again!"

1. Bill Nicholson's Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding With Butter Rum Sauce

Arteries recoil in fear at the mere reading of this recipe, which calls for 2 dozen Krispy Kreme donuts, a single one of which will set you back 49 grams of fat and 190 calories. So wait, does that mean...? Yes, yes it does. Paula's creation, just by measure of donuts alone, manages to rack up a massive 4,560 calories.

But wait, there's more! Paula tops it all with a can of sweetened condensed milk and butter rum sauce comprised of a whole stick of butter and a box of confectioners' sugar. Also rum, which we assume is to drink away the guilt of unraveling America's best attempts to maintain pants size.

To hell with your cholesterol apprehensions and calorie counts! Paula Deen has bigger plans for you: They include elastic waistbands, floundering self-esteem, and of course, a pill a day to keep the "diabetus" away!

"I've done it, Dr. Kevorkian! I've succeeded in assisted suicide!"


would you dare try any of these ontd? ngl if i was high as fuq i'll probably try the deep fried lasagna.judge away
Tags: food / food industry, food network / cooking show stars, health problems, list

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