The Shipwreck In the Streets (dracopet) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,
The Shipwreck In the Streets

20 Performances That 'Ruined' Movies

TotalFilm has compiled this highly dubious list of performances that ruined movies. Since Gigli and Showgirls are on here, I'm assuming they don't mean performances that ruined OTHERWISE GOOD movies.

ONTD, get your 'uh-uh' and 'guuuurl' gifs ready...

20. Chris Tucker, The Fifth Element

The Performance: Screeching his way through this otherwise divertingly daft sci-fi, Tucker sounds like a litter of cats slowly drowning in a futuristic river. We’re always up for a little camp silliness, but this one's a serious patience tester.

How It Could've Been Rescued: By removing the audio track of Tucker talking and replacing it with the sound of a clucking chicken. Far less annoying.


19. Sage Stallone, Rocky V
The Performance: Sly Stallone casts his own son in this ill-advised fifth entry in the Rocky franchise. Sadly, he didn’t check first to see if said son could actually act. In short: he couldn’t, and pulled the rest of the film down with him.

How It Could've Been Rescued: By turning the film into a behind the scenes documentary about the Stallones. Now that we'd watch - but only if Jackie was involved. (Yeah, Jackie.)

18. Elizabeth Berkley, Showgirls

The Performance: Dolphin sex! Saved By The Bell star Berkley is obviously under the impression that this is her big break, and she gives it her all. Sadly, her all mostly involves delivering lines with such a sucking lack of irony or humour that the entire film threatens to collapse around her. And frequently does.

How It Could've Been Rescued: It was clearly a role written for Sharon Stone, who could’ve brought the requisite bite to the role.

Excuse you, Sharon Stone could never pull off that pool possession sex scene.

17. Bruce Willis, Ocean’s 12
The Performance: Steven Soderbergh’s film disappears up its own backside in the awful scene in which Bruce Willis appears as himself. Meanwhile, Julia Roberts plays Tess Ocean disguised as Julia Roberts. The acting isn't bad per se, it’s just all horribly smug. And not at all funny.

How It Could've Been Rescued: By having Alan Rickman come in and do a little ode to Die Hard with Brucie. If you’re going to do parody at least go all out.

16. M. Night Shyamalan, The Lady in the Water
The Performance: Shyamalan sticks his fingers up at critics by casting himself in his own movie. He plays a writer whose work is the only hope for man’s survival. Or something. Hideously self-fulfilling.

How It Could've Been Rescued: By having Shyamalan do a post-credit segment in which he goes “ner-ner” at the camera. Because he’s obviously so desperate to do so.

15. Jennifer Lopez, Gigli
The Performance: J-Lo isn’t solely responsible for officially the Most Hated Film Of 2003 – some of the blame lies in then-beau co-star Ben Affleck, as well. Together, they have zero on-screen chemistry. No wonder they broke up just a month after the film bombed.

How It Could've Been Rescued: By adding in a sitcom laughter track to play up the awfulness of it all.

Sooooo why did they blame it on J.Lo? No explanation here. Haters.

14. Jon Voight, Anaconda
The Performance: Flourishing an absurd Cajun accent, Voight is obviously playing up the camp in a daft monster movie that sort of calls for it - but he tips right out into the other side of absurdity. He winds up being the movie’s most embarrassing component.

How It Could've Been Rescued: By just letting Voight go nuts and play the ruddy snake - he's clearly in a hammy mood.

Lol, Anaconda

13. Mariah Carey, Glitter
The Performance: Need we really discuss it? So bad that Ms Carey earned herself the Golden Raspberry award for Worst Actress. It took her eight years to bounce back with Precious, which proved that she could, in fact, act. Shame she didn’t in this snorefest.

How It Could've Been Rescued: Having Mariah Carey wake up at the end of the film (as Mariah Carey) realising she’s just had a really long, horrible dream.

Easy target.

12. Kevin Costner, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
The Performance: Costner’s odd ‘British’ accent stumbles all over the shop, winding up sounding – in retrospect – like some kind of Madonna parody. Except even Madonna doesn’t sound this bad.

How It Could've Been Rescued: By re-shooting a scene in which Robin Hood bashes his head during the fight, and thereby explaining his muddled accent.

11. Vinnie Jones, X-Men: The Last Stand
The Performance: “Oim tha jugga-nort bitch!” Vinnie makes up for the fact that he can’t really play anything beyond Lock Stock’s gobby gangsters by yelling every single line. Yes, every single one. Badly.

How It Could've Been Rescued: By leaving him locked up in that transport lorry and cutting him from the rest of the movie. Or by casting Eric Cantona instead. At least that guy has charisma.

THAT'S what ruined X-Men: Last Stand? REALLLLLLLLLLLY?

10. Denise Richards, The World is Not Enough
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The Performance: We all know that Bond girls aren’t meant to be smart exactly, but casting Denise Richards in the role of a scientist just takes the biscuit. Taking more biscuits, they then shove her in really skimpy Bond girl outfits and get her to recite scientific factoids. Our heads hurt.

How It Could've Been Rescued: By explaining that Christmas Jones just thinks she's a clever scientist; in reality, all the other scientists only keep her around because she looks nice.

I'm just loling @ Christmas Jones)

9. Tommy Lee Jones, Batman Forever
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The Performance: Yes, that really is the one and only Tommy Lee Jones rocking around in Joel Schumacher’s Batflick. As Two-Face, he brings a new meaning to the word ‘ham’ – which is fitting, considering Jim Carrey’s right next to him offering up the cheese.

How It Could've Been Rescued: They could’ve asked Aaron Eckhart to play the role…

Was he supposed to tone it down? Have ya SEEN the movie?!!!!

8. Morgan Freeman, Wanted
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The Performance: Freeman sticks out like a sore thumb in this comic adap. Not because he’s bad necessarily (when is he ever?), but because he deserves to be in a better class of movie. Every time he’s on screen, we wish we were watching him in something better. It ruins the movie.

How It Could've Been Rescued: By cutting out all of Freeman's scenes and editing them into his own Wanted mini adventure.

His performance ruined the movie b/c he's too good for it? Wtf...

7. Madonna, Body of Evidence
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The Performance: Madge writhes around in what she clearly thinks is a sexy way in this ‘erotic’ thriller. Sadly, all eroticism is sucked out the window at the sight of the popstrel engaging in hideously graphic sex with a terrified-looking Willem Dafoe.

How It Could've Been Rescued: By blurring out all of Madonna's lady parts.

Willem Defoe's freaky ass face is NOT Madonna's fault!

6. Sean Connery, The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen
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The Performance: Self-assured and cocky to the extreme, Connery delivers his worst screen performance in League Of Extraordinary Gentleman. He’s basically playing a mixture of Bond and Papa Jones, but in a stinker of a movie.

How It Could've Been Rescued: By actually getting Connery to try something different.

5. Andie MacDowell, Four Weddings And A Funeral
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The Performance: Just sensationally bad. Whining, annoying, distracting, it should’ve earned McDowell a Razzie. It’s perhaps fitting that it didn’t – it’s not worthy of any sort of attention.

How It Could've Been Rescued:


4. Tommy Wiseau, The Room
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I refuse to acknowledge the validity of this choice because Tommy Wiseau has brought too much joy to my life with his amazing ruminations on life and love.

3. Orlando Bloom, Pirates of the Caribbean
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The Performance: Bloom’s meant to be playing a charming young rogue – a swashbuckling hero of yore. Instead, his line-delivery is more wooden than the Black Pearl herself, and his romance with Keira Knightley is soppy and devoid of depth.

How It Could've Been Rescued: Casting Johnny Depp as both Jack Sparrow and Will Turner. Now that could’ve been good.

2. Taylor Lautner, Abduction
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The Performance: Lautner attempts to translate his Twi-brooding to another potential franchise-starter. Sadly, leaving his top on for most of the running time means we have to concentrate on his acting which – sorry guys and gals – really isn’t up to much.

How It Could've Been Rescued: By having Lautner topless throughout the entire movie. Nothing like a six pack distraction.

1. Nic Cage, Wickerman
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How It Could've Been Rescued: It’s perfect(ly awful) as it is. A world without that bee helmet scene would be a sadder place indeed.

Lol, okay, yeah, Nic Cage is terrible.

30 More Items of BS @ the Source

Mods, there's no Bruce Willis tag?!!!!!!!!!!!! Travesty.
Tags: actor / actress, adaptations, film, film - action / adventure, film - comedy, film - drama, film - suspense / thriller, film director, flop, jennifer lopez, list, madonna, mariah carey, morgan freeman, nicolas cage, orlando bloom, taylor lautner, x-men

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