As I was sitting the pitch black last night, awaiting the end of Hurricane Irene from the Real World: Seattle, I was overcome with sadness that I was unable to watch the VMAs or read snarky comments from my beloved and pressed ONTD. However, I took solace in knowing that I would awaken to a world full of fashion disasters and possible nip slips from barely legal pop stars looking to shed their good girl images. And boy was I not disappointed. The beautiful people looked like absolute shit and I loved every minute of it. Here are 5 of the worst...
Gucci Gucci, gurrrrl, more like hoochie hoochie, where you even buy this shit? The dumpster behind the Walmart? It looks like you cut up and bedazzled on of them oversized sleep shirts for plus size ladies who sleep alone and were voted "Most Likely to Appear on an Episode of Animal Hoarders" in high school. But for real child, you need to burn this Disney disaster before you jinx Mickey and Minnie and they break up.
While many found this technicolor, bedazzled disaster a straight mess, I, for one, am too excited about the return of 80s legend Rainbow Brite to bother with such unpleasantries. Plus, they say that if you follow a rainbow you'll find a leprechaun and since I been real hard up for cash...oop, found it!
I do not know who this bitch is nor do I care to learn. If you wanna be a tacky ass mess then go full Lil Kim, vajazzle up your poon poon and call it a day. None of this nude body suit with belly chains bull-ish. Is this 1998? You think you Mariah Carey about to release the Butterfly album? Gurrrrl, you ain't Mariah Carey about to release the Butterfly album. Check yo'self, then check yo damn outfit in the mirror before you done leave the house looking like that. Ugh, white bitches, I can't.
Two fashion fails for the price of one. First off, take off the cheese block honey, it's offensive to your lactose intolerant fans. Secondly, put down the damn umbrella, there ain't no rain inside the VMAs, unless you count the tears that flow freely from the eyes of anyone that has to look at your try-hard ass. Honestly, Lady Gaga dressed as a damn man and still come off less attention seeking that you. I just, I can't, Monique, imma let you preach this one...
DON'T NOBODY WANT YOU, DON'T NOBODY NEED YOU.
I hate to be accused of misogyny (I know, I know ~educate myself tbh~) but I had trouble finding an ill-dressed man. And while I'm not quite sure what CNBC financial guru and noted power lesbian Suze Orman was doing at the VMAs I just feel like it's my duty as an American to tell her that red pants are not the look. It totally clashes with the red carpet and...oh, oh, that's Justin Bieber...well then...um...Blame Canada, I guess.
Honorable mention (per peanut gallery request):
I know you guys weren't feeling this outfit but I like it. My only problem with Miss Minaj's ensemble is that it wasn't dressy enough. It looks like she just walked in from the street. C'mon Nicki, put SOME effort in. I mean, honestly, I wore, like, the same thing to church on Sunday.
Xtina and Russell Brand's penis thank you for your time and graciously request
your opinion on last night's ~faschun.~ Bye darlings.