In another of her unyielding and selfless attempts to help you poor, pathetic peasant people incorporate some shred of class and dignity into your miserably impoverished and tasteless lives, Gwyneth Paltrow has given ELLE Decor a glimpse at some of her favorite things. Items curiously missing from the list: outdoor, woodburning pizza oven, a Swarovski-encrusted dildo, fresh peach and rhubarb tartelettes from the local farmer's market, vintage 1960s fetish porn and the Twilight saga.
1. De Gournay Hand-Painted Wallpaper
I indulged with one wall in my London living room covered in a gorgeous pattern.
What I like most about this wall hanging is that it looks like it was purchased as a Today's Special from the Home Shopping Network in 1983 but in reality, it costs $3,700 a square inch. Tres chic!
2. Seasonal Flowers
I like single-variety arrangements—peonies, hydrangeas, and white lilies—casually arranged.
I like flowers that make Jewish people's allergies act up. That way I can pretend to be a character in a Woody Allen movie without have to deal with the neurosis or awkward sexual advances towards my daughter.
3. Darren Almond’s Photography
His arresting, large-scale artwork brings a sense of majesty to a room.
It makes me feel skinnier when I stand next to it
4. Charles Edwards Star Lanterns
I hung three of these at different levels in the stair hall so that we could pass them on our way up to bed at night.
To remind everyone that I AM A STAR who totally deserved to win the Oscar over that pasty ass bitchface Cate Blanchett.
5. Antonio Lupi Baia Tub
It’s in the middle of my bedroom—perfect for a relaxing wind-down and for bathing the kids.
It reminds me of the Tibetan retreat I took with superstar chef Mario Batali, CNN Chief White House Correspondent Jessica Yellin and Tanisha from the Bad Girls Club. After tripping balls on the best hashish I've ever had we met this dude who we thought was Yoda. Long story short, he ended up bathing us in this fountain. It was, like, so weird. Apparently he this real famous dude named the Deli Llama or something, I dunno...but this tub reminds me of that hash so it's cool shit.
6. Juxtaposed: Religion Shelf
Built-in slots hold holy books—including the Qur’an, Bible, and Tao Te Ching—all at the same level (which is how I like to think about religion).
Except that New Age bullshit, I mean, really, what is that? No offense Soleil Moon Frye, I still think Punky Brewster is what's up.
7. Clothbound Penguin Classics
These gorgeous editions make the books so tempting to pick up, again and again. The ultimate cure for sore muscles.
And to be honest, it's all my reading comprehension will allow me to read.
8. YUBZ Retro Handset
A handset cuts down on cellphone radiation. I use this one for my BlackBerry calls.
Brain cancer is, like, so last season. The new "it" disease? Eczema. The white flakes bring a winter-like charm to any ensemble, whatever the season!
So ONTD, what are some of your favorite things? Besides the obvious...making anonymous snarky comments about celebrities on the internet, pretending you're not morbidly obese in fat wank posts and maintaining your virginity well into your 30s.