Morgan Mayhem Thinks We're Idiots: What’s a party girl to do when she returns to the scene but isn’t allowed to play like she used to? Hmmm. Poor over-indulged (and over-exposed) Morgan Mayhem is suffering such a dilemma.
But the good news is, she’s back! On the club circuit! Where she belongs!
Problem is, Morgan just can’t lay off the booze—hard as she’s tried. But our girl is making progress, promise. See, to help sorta try and clean up her incredibly filthy act, M.M. has completely and totally sworn off…
But how long can this last? Morgan is putting herself in the exact same situations that led her down the path to rehab. And by surrounding herself with party friends from the past, Morgan barely has a shot at staying off the sauce. Or the powder.
Picture it: a dark Hollywood nightclub with music pumping through the speakers as heavily as air conditioning cools off the spoiled club rats who inhabit it. The party is already in full force as Morgan breezes past the paparazzi’s flashbulbs on her way inside and tucks into a black leather booth in the back corner of the room.
Where there are…two bottles of Grey Goose, a pitcher of cranberry juice, one of tonic water and a bowl of limes. All chilled. All gratis. So, Morgan’s friends immediately pop open the vodka and start pouring themselves doubles. Morgan’s tall blonde girlfriend pours two drinks, one for her and one for Morgan, who obviously cannot be seen anywhere near the vodka bottles.
“It’s water!” Morgan hisses at a college-age girl in a Bebe minidress ready to take a pic with her cell phone and send to the rest of her sorority.
But Morgan needs the extra liquid tonight, as she’s got an ex in the room and everyone is feeling très awkward about it. So tonight, Morgan just pours herself some extra “clear liquid” and stays away from the powder that is being offered to her discreetly in friend’s purses and during frequent trips to the bathroom.
Because Morgan’s told her friends: It is her mission to keep those poor, damaged nostrils of hers blow-free.
Uh, then why hang in clubs where nose candy flows like Russell Brand’s seminal fluid?
Unfortunately, it’s only a matter of time before M is back to her old, jaded tricks. I mean, really, it’s the equivalent of an Overeaters Anonymous member taking a cruise with 24/7 buffets on every level. Why torture yourself like this, Morgan?
Because you don’t really want to clean up your act?
Yeah, we already knew that.
AND IT AIN’T: Cristina Aguilera, Paris Hilton, Mischa Barton
My Guess: as if this is even blind... Lindsay Lohan needs to ditch everyone around her and seek REAL treatment
This petite and perky television chef is getting passed around like yesterday’s leftovers. She not only serviced Singer 1, a famous male singer who is quite the lady-killer. She has also been on her knees for Singer 2 and Singer 3. Whew! She is supposedly quite the music groupie and quite talented in giving that particular act. Oh, and all three of the Singers know each other and have shared stories about their time with her.
Chefy and her publicist have called Singer 1, threatening legal action if he doesn’t deny everything. Frankly, it’s a hollow threat. Singer 2 (who sings the song that Chefy likes) and Singer 3 (yes, there are a lot of singers to count here!) have already told lots of people about her skills. Also, Singer 1′s manager has a video of Chefy and Singer 1 engaging in some intimate moments at a hotel in New York. Yes, kids, there’s video! Chefy can kiss her marriage goodbye.
My Guess: Giada de Laurentiis and John Mayer obvs.... not sure who the other 2 singers are
This model and C- list female celebrity is telling all her friends that despite appearances to the contrary, her ex boyfriend and current A list singer has no interest in women at all. She also says that he was always suggesting threesomes with other guys.
My Guess: Amber Rose runnin her mouf about Kanye
This very handsome British actor with a reputation with the ladies has a little problem with his equipment. One thing’s for sure, he can’t be accused of not using it often, just not in the way you’d think. He has prostatitis which among other things has him running to the bathroom so much his former costars thought he had a drug problem.
My Guess: Jude Law or Hugh Grant.... undecided between the two
An A List actor in the 90′s was once told by a specialist hired as a joke by his friends that if he mixed crushed-up butterfinger candy bars with buttermilk and made it into a paste it would take away acne scars and blemishes. He put it on his face every day for a year until his friends finally confessed the joke.
My Guess: Brad Pitt
Which married-with-kids Oscar winner turned heads when he popped into a spa in Hawaii known for its “happy endings?” The actress-wife of this tall actor/writer/director/producer knows all about her hubby’s “special massages”. She turns a blind eye to keep their marriage together.
My Guess: Ben Affleck
TGIF ONTD! on a more serious note, if the government shuts down and delays me from getting my federal refund check I swear to God I will go on a rampage of terror. DO NOT PROVOKE ME, WASHINGTON. And what if the National Zoos shut down too? WHO WILL FEED THE ANIMALS??