today, let's dive into the discussion of sexuality! yeah yeah, i wanna talk about the cosmo cover. it's a little more than a big deal to me. and you know what? i'm really excited about it. to the general public, cosmo magazine is either a) a woman's obsession or b) a woman's demise -- honestly, either of the two options equal out to be the same damn thing! the media clearly has our attention. it's easy to let all the images of all these godlike looking women whisper to us how we think we're supposed to look. it's like "here look at my BOOBS! don't you wish you had these?" "more guys will like you if you do it THIS WAY!" "get this figure" blah blah blah spend all your time, energy, and money on becoming the world's idea of ''sexy"... and you know what? it's never gonna change. as much as i tell myself i don't care and i wear whatever i want... there will always be those moments when i'm at the check out line at target and i see some gorgeous person on the cover of any ol rag... and i'm like "ugh, is that how it's gotta be!?" only to realize that... next month, that girl on the cover is gonna be me.
WHAT A HYPOCRITE RIGHT?!?!
noooo. here's the thing. my #1 goal when the band began was to make myself invisible. not only did i not want to be the focal point, i wanted to be UNSEEN! and honestly, it never made a difference. i've turned down a lot of magazine covers. i specifically remember turning down Blender mag when i turned 19. and you know what? no one ever knew. it never made people focus on me any less. and it never mattered. so this time i'm taking a different approach. all 3 of us in Paramore have our own roles. and finally i will accept mine. i'm going to be okay with being a "powerful female". and if that's what it is... i'm going to use that role to make a difference.
here's the plan. here's my course of action. i WILL be myself. i WILL grow up. and i most definitely WILL find the time in my own life to be SEXY if i feel like it. who wrote the rules? who said that a girl that lives in this same tshirt and jeans nearly every day won't wanna wear pumps and a short skirt tomorrow? the heart that's underneath the clothes is still the same. because to me, it's not about using sex as a weapon. it's about how i feel. somedays i straight up feel like wearing sweats. other days, more confident days.. i'm like... DUDE WHO NEEDS CLOTHES!? ok well, i'm not that extreme but hopefully you see my point. if you are a girl, i think you'll understand all of these words just fine. you know those mornings you get out of the shower and you're drying your hair in your underwearsss and you realize you finally don't care that you have that scar on your leg? or that your skin is so pale that sometimes in bad light you can see your veins? ... or when your skin keeps breaking out and you're like "today, i simply do not give a f***!" those are the liberated moments that i try to hold on to. and i'm hoping by seeing my crazy mug on a magazine cover... some girl who's having a not particularly liberated day will think to herself that the MAY cover looks just a little different than the usual cosmo cover and hopefully they can even be inspired. no, i don't think i'm some kind of saving grace that's going to change the magazine world and the lies that we believe in the headlines every day. but i do know that i NEVER ever thought of myself as conventionally beautiful nor sexy. and only just recently did i ever even begin to accept how my looks differ from other people's whom i admire. i'm hoping that the more a magazine will take a chance on a girl like me, the more a girl will have a frickin chance in hell to be UNIQUE, powerful, strong in her weaknesses, confident in her flaws. because that's who i'm trying to become.
sexy is whatever you want it to be. don't let cosmo tell you. don't let vogue tell you. even your boyfriend or your best friends. the point is, it's up to you. i'm gonna make up my own version as i go.
and for the record, i really was hoping one of the headlines would be "69 ways to 69" but i guess it was a no go. honestly, i don't think they could come up with that many. thank you guys once again for being a part of our family. love every one of ya.
-- once again, i didn't proofread ;////