"Forgot DWTS is tonight! Someone DVR it for me. Want to watch Ralph Macchio go down for what he did to Cobra Kai Dojo."
– A Tweet from the comedic impersonator of the Bronx Zoo cobra, the infamous snake that briefly escaped from captivity but has since been found
"Well, it's a boy thing, right? To have dirty fingernails and dirty hair, and his clothes were dirty all the time."
– Reese Witherspoon, dishing the dirt on Water for Elephants costar Robert Pattinson, to EW
"P-e-n-i-s gummies. I said, 'Oh, wow, those aren't Swedish fish.'"
– Katie Holmes, on the X-rated candy she – and the paparazzi – caught her 4-year-old daughter Suri eating, on The Ellen DeGeneres Show
"As a longtime royal watcher – and let's be honest, I'm referring to Prince Harry's adorable arse – I'm eminently qualified to cover the wedding of the year, and not just because I once saw Helen Mirren at In-N-Out Burger."
– Kathy Griffin, who will cover Prince William and Kate Middleton's nuptials on the TV Guide Network
"I'm not sexing, I'm not even sexting."
– Rihanna, on her very single status, to Rolling Stone
"I'm 25 – I'm at my quarter-life crisis."
– Dancing With the Stars contestant Kendra Wilkinson, on the emotional roller coaster the ballroom competition has brought out in her
"I do not do any full frontal nudity. Kermit, on the other hand is always full frontal."
– How I Met Your Mother's Jason Segel, who memorably dropped trou in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, talking up his Muppets' costar, to EW
"Whether you want to call it talent or not, they have multiple shows on the air."
– Kris Jenner, defending daughters Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian, who "work 25 hours a day," to Redbook
"The only thing I knew for sure while we were making this movie was that I was f---ing crushing Helen Mirren at acting…but she looks great in a bathing suit."
– Date Night's Tina Fey, accepting the award for best actress at the Comedy Awards, which airs on Comedy Central this Sunday
"I taught my son to say, 'That's what she said,' and he'll use it for any and all situations…Kim thinks it's both hilarious and horrifying."
– Brad Paisley, on the parenting lessons he's imparting on his two sons with wife Kimberly Williams, to PEOPLE
Which celeb had THE BEST quote this week?
HAPPY FRIDAY, ONTD! :-)