Then maybe Balbirer wouldn't have ratted her out the other night at Joe's Pub, where an audience of actors and writers shrieked with laughter during an evening of readings to mark the paperback release of "The Underminer: Or, the Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life."
The 40-year-old Balbirer was among the performers who told stories of their own personal "underminers." Balbirer's "underminer" was "a famous sitcom actress" called "Jane" — a thinly veiled Aniston — who she met when both were auditioning to be extras on "Saturday Night Live."
A Lowdown spy reports: "Jane, who had recently graduated from the High School of Performing Arts, was a few years younger than Nancy and was the daughter of a soap actor and a plastic-surgery victim who had divorced. Nancy let Jane live rent-free in her Village apartment for a few months.
"Nancy said Jane, who was then working at a burger joint, was obsessed with her looks, and would give herself bikini waxes while lying upside-down on the couch. The pair went on auditions, on diets, and to aerobics classes together. Jane advised Nancy to try and be 'more f—able' on auditions, and to buy chicken cutlets at the Food Emporium to stuff her bra. Jane iced her nipples before auditions, and lamented her big butt and her nose, which she said 'came from her Greek half.'
"Jane moved to Los Angeles, got liposuction, a nose job and a hairline adjustment, and lost a lot of weight after going on NutriSlim. Nancy recounted a trip to L.A. where she asked to stay with her old friend, but instead Jane named some hotels, telling Nancy not to be so desperate, because it's unattractive, especially in a town like L.A.
"After Jane landed a sitcom about friends who live together in the Village, Nancy independently met with the show's producers for a recurring role, which she landed on the spot. A few hours later, she was inexplicably fired, yet paid in full, plus an extra week's pay, despite never filming a scene. Later a producer friend told Nancy that Jane had her fired and the two old friends never spoke again."
When Lowdown repeated the dish to Aniston, via her flack Stephen Huvane, she was not amused. "Jennifer does know this woman Nancy, and she did live with her for a little bit, but did not live rent-free," Huvane insisted after consulting Aniston. "They were never close friends — it was not that kind of relationship."
Huvane vehemently denied Balbirer's claims of plastic surgery. As for the hiring-firing incident: "The girl did try out for a role on 'Friends,' but the girl just didn't get it. The cast doesn't get involved in casting — especially the first year. She just sounds like an opportunist who's using Jennifer to get attention. This is mean-spirited."
Balbirer told Lowdown the "Jane" story "is part of a new solo show and book I'm writing called 'Take Your Shirt Off And Cry,' about my life in show business and Hollywood." And Warner Bros. has acquired movie rights to "The Underminer" for Management 360 — Vince Vaughn's management company.