Last night the increasingly irrelevant 83rd Annual Academy Awards were on and even at that most prestigious of events and the glamorous parties afterwards there were quite a few serious fashion FAILS.
(OBVIOUSLY this post is not about the wonderful Mr. Firth he's just a ruse to lure you in)
The theme of the red carpet and the after parties appeared to be beige, sequins, blood diamonds, desperation and lack of charisma. If I posted a list of every dress that I found boring or questionable practically everyone would be on here (SERIOUSLY WHY SO MUCH BEIGE?!) but I've whittled it down as much as I can.
As usual if you have a problem with my commentary and or the people I've chosen to include in this post please direct yourself to the x at the top of the screen where the complaints department is located.
Okay now on with the FUG!
RUSSELL BRAND's naked waxy face and limp greasy curls are a bit too early Charles Manson for me. DNW.
JENNY BEAVAN is what I imagine Hermione would look like in 30 or so years. Supposedly this lady with her ashier than Charlie Sheen's cracked out lips hair is a designer...
#JESUSBALE looked like a terrorist with that beard. Next time give it a little trim good sir. Oh and congrats on the Oscar.
When I saw JENNIFER HUDSON's budget ass, basic prom lace front I just wanted to grab that shit and RUN
If SHARON STONE's hair had been about 2 feet shorter and her make up a couple of shades lighter then she would have otherwise looked very fierce. Instead she just looks like Ciara's bank balance, broke and scary.
FLORENCE WELCH wore a piss yellow Valentino dress from an otherrwise flawless collection leaving her looking like a younger, ginger Ms. Havisham.
I look at MANDY MOORE'S dress everytime I want to go to sleep and WTF were those tangerine lips and that hair?!
NICOLE KIDMAN wrapped herself up in a very fancy Dior napkin and that eyewateringly tight hair do with flimsy fringe is just a little too tacky for the Oscars. SIGH. At least she's ginger again.
Speaking of hot messes...ladies and gentlemen I give you SCARLETT JOHANSSON in a figure hugging, burgundy tablecloth dress and barely brushed hair.
Helena Bonham Carter showed unusual restraint here but those sleeves....
VALENTINO is/was a wonderful, wonderful designer but that skin colour...SMH...he looks like he'd bleed orange.
DAPHNE ZUNIGA's shapeless white dress...*SIGH*
Bless SUNRISE COIGNEY for trying something different but IDK ONTD I'm on the fence about this one....
PENELOPE CRUZ's showcases her bountiful bosoms wonderfully but man that stripey hair and that tacky, tacky firework glitter burst print is just...
JOHN POWELL's guest wore this ugly ruched, torso distorting, cheap as fuck looking blue number. I'll give her points for that clutch tho...
To quote a comment on twitter: "I hope MARISA TOMEI is here to give back that Oscar she didn't deserve". As for her dress...
I am CREMATED INTO ASHES at JENNIFER REDFEARN's terrifying expression, orange lips and her beach towel dress.
ROBYNN MURRAY's dangerously low cut, tacky dress and pornstar-esque tatts?
BOB IGER's guest is walking a thin line between stylish and fugly in this bondage bodice top.
ED BEGELY JR looks GREAT. His wife Rachelle? Imma need for NO ONE above the age of 15 to be wearing that pastel mess.
Ohhh GAYLE KING...what would Oprah say about that poorly supported chest area or that awkward lace front?
Armie Hammer's wife LISA CHAMBERS rolled up to the Oscars in this ruffled, shiny, layered prom couture and tbh when security saw this shit they should have just told her to go back home.
THIERRY GUETTA's beard needs to be deforested stat and his guest needs to lose that shredded to shit red dress.
AHAHAHAHA fishnet fingerless gloves to the Oscars outdoors and that dress?! This is a joke right? This is just James Franco (in admittedly very good drag) trolling us RIGHT?
MICHELLE WILLIAMS looked like a giant sparkly condom in this ill fitting sheath by Chanel.
You have to decide MALLIKA SHERAWAT. You either want your cleavage or your legs or your back on display BUT YOU CANNOT HAVE ALL THREEm this ain't a burlesque show!
JACKI WEAVER wearing some embellished dizzy mess that shouldn't be worn by anyone but a ten year old little girls.
I cannot believe that MELISSA LEO knowing she was nominated for an Oscar rocked up in this hideous tinfoil/doily creation by Marc Bouwer. In tears at those football player shoulder pads and that random collar.
SUCH A MESS.
Congrats on the Oscar win lady, hopefully now you'll have access to better clothes.
And now onto the Vanity Fair post-Oscar party. Gird your eyes boys and girls...
What poor animal had to be snatched out of the game so you could look like such a hot mess LISA CHOLODENKO?!
DIANE VON FURSTENBERG of ALL people can definitely do SO MUCH better than this sloppy, white fur shrug and badly fitting polka dot shower curtain/dress.
Someone went crazy with a bunch of crayons on LYNN COLLINS's otherwise quite nicely fitting dress.
'Actress' BROOKLYN DECKER in a tiered lilac prom couture number that belongs in some vintage store's bargain basement bin and NOT at the Vanity Fair party.
Yes JOAN COLLINS is HBIC but real fans are not afraid to admit that this lilac flower encrusted glittery retro nightmare is not a good look.
No country for MICK JAGGER's high heeled trainers and wrinkly, shrunken satin suit.
CAMERON DIAZ's dangerously short eye wateringly tight dress and bizarre ankle boots are just...
Without the dead birds trailing on the back of NAOMI WATTS' black Zac Posen dess this might have otherwise been alright.
Urgh JESSICA SZHOR
CLAIRE DANES just doesn't have the height, personality or poise for this Calvin Klein dress. She looks like she's in her bathrobe about to take a shower.
Lol take SEVERAL seats JENA MALONE. I cannot and I will not. Lawd I lift my hands to thee, take me from this, take me now...
ANNE V...now ma'am I know you're a Swimsuit Illustrated model but this is neither the time nor the place. STOP.
Yikes ANJELICA HUSTON. Crushed silk and a batwing sleeve sequinned top? Uh no ma'am.
ONTD's favourite PAZ DE LA HUERTA. I'm not even gonna comment on this. I'll leave that to you guys.
OH SHIT. And I thought Christian Bale's beard was bad. RICK RUBIN's beard is the stuff nightmares and police sketches are made of.
MADONNA & LOURDES
This is my face at seeing that outfit Madonna...
Lourdes is gonna need some mountain sized therapy in the future/now...
Oh no RITA WILSON...
Moving quickly on we enter the final stage of this post. The Elton John 19th Annual Oscars viewing/after party and uh...it was a mess you guise...
Urgh at TOM SIZEMORE'S age defying mohawk and face so oily you could fry a fish with it. Also jeeze, that facial expression RELAX SIR, RELAX.
DIANNE WARREN pretty much said fuck effort to the dress code and came straight from the store.
Looks like NIA VARDALOS has just sprouted wings. I wish she'd used them to fly the fuck away.
ERIC MCORMACK's partner JANET LEIGH HOLDEN had a fight with Big Bird and...evidently Big Bird got laid the fuck out.
JESSALYNE GISLIG's overly twee, childish prom dress is a reminder why we need to celebrate growing old gracefully and her orange skin is a reminder why we need to outlaw tanning salons.
Oh KRISTEN CSANNE, WHY MUST I CRY? This is a perfect example of when beautiful dresses happen to bad people. That bustline is tighter than Keri Hilson's video budget and that California princess prom dress and nectarine coloured skin....S M H. It could have been magical...
JASON LEE & CEREN ALKAC in a stripey mud brown, high collar, cult-esque outfit with clumpy brown boots. Hipsters...*sigh*
LORETTA DEVINE's crushed velvet ensemble is just....LAWD be a calender on her bedroom wall to remind her that it is NOT 1992 anymore! Sheesh.
Man SKYLAR GREY...even Micheal Lohan wouldn't wear this much string in one outfit and that guy fucking loves his string vests.
The couple that dresses like 80s pornstars on a night out stays together right STEVEN TYLER & ERIN BRADY?
HEIDI KLUM's lethal looking, embellished Julien McDonald dress is just a TAD over the top. Just a tad.
Oh. Uh...well done MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO on having a great figure and all but that glittery, stripper couture dress STAYS losing.
KATIE PRICE being...Katie Price as usual. Titties popping out to say hello? Check. Oven baked skin? Check. Impossibly streaky, brassy hair do? Check. Inappropriately crotch focused dress? CHECK.
What in the drunk ice skater gone rogue fuck up is this CHAKA KAHN?!
TAMARA MELLON giving me 'I've been living in this tent for five years and have just joined civilisation, can I have a sandwich please?' in that white frocky horror.
VANITY FAIR PART-AY SAUCE
ELTON JOHN PART-AY SAUCE
Alright that's it for now! Idk, I don't think this post was my best work but eh it is what it is...