The Top 10 Most Returned Gifts

10. Duplicate Toys

When you have a big family, it is a wonder this little mishap doesn't happen all the time. Yes, there are lists aplenty throughout the preceding months. However, parents and grandparents and in-laws like to go out on tangents and get kids whatever they so desire. This can, and has, resulted in gift duplications that only lead to irritated children who, so verbally, announce, "Hey, we already got this toy the other day!" I sure hope you kept the receipt.

9. Housewares

Whatever gave you the idea that I have any intention, ever, of making pressed sandwiches? Yes, have been the ever-proud recipient of one of these useless machines that I have used precisely this many times: zero. Unfortunately, I couldn't return it since it was purchased from a store in another state. I still have it. Also, while we're at it, unless it is specifically asked for, bathroom accessories are not cool gifts since no one that I have ever seen shy of eighty-year-olds have their bathrooms decked out in lavender. No good.

8. Movies

Wow, how did you know I wanted my very own copy of Mega Force? Oh, thanks, now I can watch Ed as often as I want! Unless you are on an intimate-knowledge basis with your to-be gift recipient, getting a movie for him or her is a hit-or-miss prospect and chances are one of the two parties is going away thoroughly disappointed. Keep that deluxe edition of Weekend at Bernie's Two for your own collection.

7. Video Games

You are treading into some seriously shark-infested waters here, pal. Now assume for a moment that your child has taken the time to not only sketch out a perfect mock-up of the video game's cover in their Christmas list but also has drawn you a map to the various locales at which said game can be purchased; maybe it's a good idea for you to follow it. He or she obviously wants this particular game enough to have politely begged you for it since Halloween, so wrapping up a copy of "Sim Paint Dry" is going to be the first rung on the rapidly building ladder of disappointment that is your parenthood.

6. Music

Just because you are not a fan of modern punk or emo doesn't necessarily mean that your sullen teen isn't. Believe me, I understand, Fallout Boy (sic) and Panic at the Disco! (sic again) are by far more annoying than a cat in a woodchipper, but your son or daughter is infatuated with them. If you're already nursing the head wound from the projectile that was a Billy Joel hits collection, I suggest a return trip to the mall.

5. Shoes

Sometimes your favorite aunt or stepmother goes a little bonkers and decides to pick you up a fine, new pair of sneakers for Christmas. Oh, but aren't their intentions just the sweetest? You can count the number of times on one finger you've worn Stride Rites. But, to the fashion-blind that are your relatives, these particular shoes are what are "in" and "hip". But after opening them, all your kid wants to do is kick her in the hip. Glad that receipt is taped to the box, Nana.

4. Spouse-Inappropriate Gifts

So you've been married for ten years? Congratulations! You went right out and got your spouse a toaster for Christmas, huh? Nice. Don't be surprised if you find divorce papers in your stocking.

3. Clothing

Do you see those tattered rags all in black your kid "wears" to school? Have you even noticed, shy of just in passing, that your daughter is wearing leggings and denim miniskirts with a Green Day T-shirt? Hmm... well, maybe that's your problem. If you are going to get your children clothes for Christmas, I'd suggest rifling through their rooms and copying exactly what you see there. Or, better yet, gift certificates to Hot Topic.

2. Age-Inappropriate Toys

Do you, as I do, have that loony grandmother somewhere deep in her eighties, who believes that her great-grandchildren are forever two, even when some of them are six? Yeah, I thought so. Well, unfortunately, there is really not much to be done about it since the chances she even remembers your name, let alone where the receipts are, are pretty slim. Luckily, many stores will grant credit and you can then return that eighteen-month age-appropriate toy for something more fitting for your twelve-year-old.

1. Something You Just Plain Didn't Want

More often than not, you are just going to get a whole bunch of crap that you will never in a million years look at twice again not to mention even use. There is just no room in your life for an ant farm, a year-supply of various salves, or a creepy glow-in-the-dark Jesus clock. Find that receipt quick and get yourself something nice.


What will you be returning tomorrow? I'd return the book I got this list from, since it blows, but I don't have the receipt.