Katy Perry is getting Branded (a ho)!
The pop singer/tacky pair of tits reveals Wednesday on The Ellen DeGeneres Show that she's in the process of taking new husband/crack whore Russell Brand's last name. But in fact, she's been going by Katy Brand informally since the Oct. 23 wedding. Which is like, totally, weird, like, who even takes their husband's last name???
People call her Mrs. Brand to "try to get my attention," she says. "Like if I'm at an event or something like that, and they want special attention, they go, 'Mrs. Brand!' And I go shwoosh [looks back]." HAHAHAHAHAHA, that is sooooooo funny Katy! It's so annoying when I am leaving a restaurant and people are like Mrs. DirtyWata, Mrs. Dirtywata, you forgot to pay your bill. Like, omg, leave me alone, you guys, I'm a human just like you!
Perry, 26, also weighs in on the mutual admiration that Brand, 35, and ageless goddess Helen Mirren have expressed for each other. The British comedian has spoken of his Tempest costar's sexiness, while the Oscar winner, also appearing Wednesday on Ellen, graciously lies and says, "I'm just very jealous of Katy being married to him."
"She needs to step off my man," Perry jokes – but then quickly reconsiders recognizing what a stupid bitch she sounds like. "Actually, I kind of don't mind that someone else takes some of the responsibility, because it's a lot of work [being married to Brand]. … There's never a dull moment, except when he is out doing crack or cheating on me."
"He's a lot of different things," DeGeneres says. "Namely, a drug addict, a sex addict, a serial cheater, a filterless try-hard and the missing link of the evolutionary chart."
Perry replies: "Yes, he's a smorgasbord of things. A sense of humor is really important in our household, even though I, myself, don't possess one. That's how we de-stress, and we like to have a laugh...and by a laugh, I mean a line of coke."
Disclaimer: Some text has been altered slightly.
God, this bitch. You change you name from Katy Hudson to Katy Perry to avoid confusion but then swagger jock Katy Brand like a year later? Hell naw, bitch, hell fucking naw. Firework is still my jam though...ngl...rock that shit out in the shower like whoa.
The REAL Katy Brand's unofficial statement...