How Far Can Crotch Push It?
Poor Crotch. He used to amuse us all so much, by divining these ultra-elaborate kinky sex hook-ups, totally hot and daring stuff! But no more.
Now, Crotch is just plain ol' stupid.
Many of Crotch's close friends, colleagues and reps are hugely worried about the handsome dude. He's starting to do dumb things. He tweaks out all night, doesn't sleep, and then stumbles his way through interviews the next day.
Now, it's nothing new for Crotch to weirdly work his way through a chat with a journo—it's always been a charming side to the dimpled boy. But now all charm's been replaced by hollow eyes and listless pale skin.
"He's losing it," emphasizes a close confidant, adding Crotch's sexual escapades are "practically out in the open" to people in the business now. No one knows what's really going on up in Lastic's lonesome abode because he's exiling those close to him, beard included, who has stuck by him through a lot.
And it's not just risk-taking hook-up scenes, which we've mentioned before. But now the not-eating, staying up all night Hollywood way of living seems to have completely, sadly, taken over Crotch's very hunky existence.
Thing is it's not like Crotch is partying his talent away. You definitely won't see him out at the clubs with Leonardo DiCaprio's bromantic crew. Instead, CU-L is just isolating himself, ignoring calls for days, and appearing wackier and wackier whenever he mingles in with the real world.
Uh-Lastic doesn't even bother with the beard significant other anymore. No wonder the guy's been freaking people out lately with his career. Huge waste.
And It Ain't: Zac Efron, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Cruise
Previously excluded: Adam Brody, Alexander Skarsgård, Brody Jenner, Chris Kattan, Christian Bale, Diddy, Derek Hough, John Mayer, Josh Hartnett, Kevin Spacey, Matthew Broderick, Matthew Fox, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Downey Jr., Ryan Gosling, Ryan Philippe, The Rock, Tobey Maguire, Tom Hanks and Topher Grace.
Crotch Uh-Lastic's archive page
Not only has the über-talented Pris already happily agreed to let herself be used as a People cover-ready beard for one of her gay-boy boyfriends, now it turns out Miss P. has a past.
Turns out P.D. really liked to get her booze on back in those days, and many of Priscilla's so-called "friends" from the lunchroom are starting to talk about it, big time.
One of those massively paid campers that follow Pris around like flies to Beverly Hills crap should do something about this nastiness, already. In fact, I think they already have. We've noticed that the more tips we get about Pris's fondness for boys and the booze, along comes another fakey magazine story about what a right-on and humble religious girl Priscilla happens to be.
Jeez. When's the public going to stop being as gullible as the legal types who keep accepting Lindsay Lohan's excuses? Wake up, people!
And, uh, Priscilla, get a clue (not to mention a spine): You know there are people in the world who happen to believe in God and think it's OK to date boys and have drinks, too.
And it Ain't: Miranda Cosgrove, Jasmine Villegas, Demi Lovato
From this past Monday's Bitch-Back:
No names of course, but to your knowledge, have any "casting couch" castings resulted in a Best Actress Oscar win? (Or, to be fair, Best Actor?) I still have a hard time thinking of the most famous and respected actresses out there participate, but as you always say, it is Hollywood.
Yes, and a very famous one directly resulted several years ago. Think pink.
Who do you guys think he's talking about?
This week's exclusions:
Pepper Harthman is not Manchester United's Wayne Rooney, Brett Favre.
Maribeth Bush is not a Twilight cast member, Elisabeth Moss.
50 Cent, Sarah Michelle Gellar and David Boreanaz, have been a BV.
The Kardashians, Sophia Bush, Anne Hathaway and all of the DWTS pros have not been the subject of a BV.
For those keeping score, of the people mentioned this week:
-Crotch Uh-Lastic is not any of these people.
-Maribeth Bush is not any of these people.
-Pepper Harthman is not any of these people.
3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
Question: I recently received a book of logic puzzles as a gift and I've been thinking about making up an ONTD-specific one for the puzzle fans here, provided anyone other than me actually cared. Would anybody be interested in such a thing?