Boom Boom Pow ♥ (_tantalizing_) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,
Boom Boom Pow ♥

Star Jones Reynolds vs. Hurricane Rita

When at the doorstep of tragedy, what could be better than the comparison of two larger-than-life-yet-completely-unrelated forces? A gin enema, yes. But since I broke my rubber tube in a bout of auto-erotic-asphyxiation, we are forced with the former.

She's big. She's sure to destroy everything in her path. Her antics leave news reporters wet. And she recently married a homosexual. I could say most of those things for Hurricane Rita, so I decided to find out how much the two bitches really have in common.

Rita: Makes landfall in Texas and causes the evacuation of several cities.
SJR: Makes landfall at the checkin desk and causes the evacuation of an entire Curves.

Rita: Level 4 -> Level 5 -> Level 4 -> Level 5
SJR: Size 22 -> Size 21 -> Size 24 -> Size 18

Rita: Takes up an entire newscast.
SJR: Takes up an entire Cheesecake Factory.

Rita: Is bound to tragically destroy several lives, costing billions of dollars in damage, and changing the nation for months to come.
SJR: Married a fag. And wouldn't shut the fuck up about it.

Rita: Has an oculus that is dwarfed by her enormous mass.
SJR: Has a vagina in there somewhere. Allegedly.

Rita: Shares a name with my hilarious aunt.
SJR: Would probably not get my aunt's jokes, and would instead smile at her, squint her bulgy Chihuahua eyes, and change the subject to something generic and un-funny.

Rita: Gets Al Roker all excited.
SJR: Has never once gotten Al Reynolds excited.

Rita: Is the third-largest storm in history.
SJR: Has the third-largest gunt in history.

Rita: Infamous because she controls those around her with the fear of utter destruction.
SJR: Infamous because she controls those around her with the fear of utter destruction.

Rita: Makes Anderson Cooper get all serious and worked up.
SJR: Makes Anderson Cooper want to stand in the middle of a fucking hurricane.

Rita: Will likely cause an increase in gas prices.
SJR: Has enough gas to make Al miserable if he refuses cunnilingus.

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