Blind Vice: Celeb Swingers Get It On
But let's back up:
Secretia, an impressively put-together gal of verve, good looks and surprising steeliness, has long gotten it on with tons o' guys, even though the public pretty much doesn't know. And some folks were a bit surprised when she married Chester, an incredibly talented dude who's always so busy keeping his gorgeous face smiling, no one's really stopped to think what a slut he is.
But major STD-alert? Man, is he ever:
Chester sleeps with guys as often as his career provides him with huge-ass checks. This was a little known fact when Chesty and Secretia married, to much public pronouncement. How wonderful the pretty charmer hooked the quieter, chiseled-jaw type. What a celebrity fairy-tale romance everybody thought it would be!
The public couldn't have been more wrong—or uninformed.
The deliciously kinky arrangement Secretia and Chester have is this: She gets to hook up with all the guys she pleases—usually by picking their names out of bowls at classy swingers parties. (Is that sorta like calling an alcoholic who guzzles only Grey Goose a "classy drunk"?) And Chester gets to boink all the boys he wants.
That is their secret arrangement.
And, yes, the couple does—on occasion—have sex the old-fashioned married way (meaning, with each other). But hey, how long is that gonna last, I wonder? 'Cause sooner or later, one of these beautiful couple's myriad outside lovers is gonna blow the whistle. Or worse: Watch one of Secretia or Chester's affairs fall in love with them, and then go hire Gloria Allred and call a press conference because they can't have Ohio or Shorts-Off all to themselves!
Either way, it's a precarious love sitch that's just bound to pop—and how. What else do you expect when you pick your partner like he's a piece of popcorn?
And it ain't: Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller, John Travolta and Kelly Preston, Tiger and Elin Woods
You've got one more week to vote. I'll use whichever version wins from now on.
Which type of update do you prefer?
Despite being "outed" as a Blind Vice, Nelly Fang is not conducting his forest hook-ups with any more caution than before. He isn't Allan Hyde ("No, but nice try. Want to take another bite at it? Try yummier this time") or Cam Gigandet ("[it] ain't Cam, delicious as that bloodthirsty thought might be!") Regardless of last week's comment that Mr. Fang thinks he's Mick Jagger, Ted eliminated Jamie Campbell Bower (again), saying "while debatably Mick Jaggery, the newest Twilight vamp just doesn't fit Nelly's fangs."
Ted claimed that Dashed Dingle-Dream and Judas Jack-Off have broken up, saying "Judas ditched DDO for the beard his management arranged and only went back to DDO for the down-low sex he didn't want from his leading lady. In my book, that's not exactly a fairy-tale romance, so I say good riddance to JJO. It's time for DDO to move on and get a new man who isn't such a jerk-off." Apparently Ted's calling DDD DDO now. A reader named Jo wrote in to ask if Dashed Dingle-Dream is two degrees of separation from Kristen Stewart. Ted didn't answer, stating "these days I'm sure nearly everyone can be connected in two degrees of separation," but not without applauding her cleverness. Before you ask, both Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki can be linked to Miss Stewart in two degrees.
In the event of a break-up, Fake à la Ferocity would remain on top, in terms of "careers, powerful contacts, and Hollywood community support."
Terry Tush-Trade (who is female) has "cleaned it up—a lot. Shows, too. I'm sure you've noticed, as well."
Felicity Huffman has not been the subject of a Blind Vice, but Wentworth Miller "abso-effin'-lutely" has.
Obligatory Toothy Tile mention: Toothy and Goosey are TC's favorite Blind Vice couple, but they are not Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto ("Perhaps not. Although, I think Pine and Quinto would make a hot, hot, hot couple and Star Trek could be a lot more interesting with a little captain/alien loving,") or Ewan McGregor and Jim Carrey ("You're off the mark a bit, babe. Just curious—which one is which?") Ricky Martin is not Toothy ("Toothy is far more secretive at pulling stunts than Ricky!") Grey Goose is not Joshua Jackson ("J.J. is not Toothy's lover, but wouldn't that have made a totally exciting episode of Dawson's Creek?") or Kevin Spacey ("Goose has a sexy six-pack, which I'm pretty sure Spacey hasn't had since... forever.") Ted mentioned that Toothy's ex-girlfriend has been in a bearding situation before. When a reader saked whether this applied to her most famous ex, he commented "You know what I like to say: once a beard, always a beard."
-Fake à la Ferocity is not Ashley Judd, Ashley Olsen, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Charlize Theron, Claire Danes, Drew Barrymore, Felicity Huffman, Gwyneth Paltrow, Heather Locklear, Jennifer Connolly, Jennifer Garner, Jenna Jameson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Keira Knightley, Kelly Ripa, Kirsten Dunst, Madonna, Mary Kate Olsen, Melanie Griffith, Nicole Richie, Sarah Jessica Parker, Sharon Stone, Victoria Beckham, or Whitney Houston.
-Judas Jack-Off is not Benjamin McKenzie, Bradley Cooper, Brandon Routh, Chace Crawford, Chris Evans, Chris Pine, Drake Bell, Ed Westwick, Gale Harold, George Eads, Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas, Josh Peck Joshua Jackson, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Matt Dallas, Milo Ventimiglia, Orlando Bloom, Owen Wilson, Robert Pattinson, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Seacrest, Taylor Kistch or Zac Efron. Dashed Dingle Dream is not Austin Nichols, Drake Bell, J.C. Chasez, Josh Peck, Joshua Jackson, Robert Pattinson or Sophia Bush.
-Nelly Fang is not Allan Hyde, Brad Pitt, Cam Gigandet, David Boreanaz, Gerard Butler, Ian Somerhalder, Jackson Rathbone, Jamie Campbell Bower, Kiefer Sutherland, Kellan Lutz, Peter Facinelli, Robert Pattinson, Ryan Kwanten or Stephen Moyer.
-Terry Tush-Trade is not Ashley Greene, Billy Burke, Catherine Hardwick, Chris Weitz, Christian Serratos, Dakota Fanning, Elizabeth Reaser, Jackson Rathbone, Justin Chon, Kellan Lutz, Megan Fox, Michael Welch, Nikki Reed, Peter Facinelli, Rachelle Lefevre, Sarah Clarke, or Taylor Lautner.
-Toothy Tile isn't 50 Cent, Aaron Eckhart, Adam Brody, Adrian Grenier, Adrien Brody, Alexander Skarsgård, All 3 Jonas Brothers, Anderson Cooper, Andy Dick, Ashton Kutcher, Ben Affleck, Ben Mackenzie, Bill Clinton, Bradley Cooper, Brad Pitt, Brandon Davis, Brian Austin Green, Carrot Top, Casey Affleck, Chace Crawford, Chad Michael Murray, Channing Tatum, Chris Evans, Chris Klein, Chris Pine, Christian Bale, Clay Aiken, Colin Farrell, Dane Cook, Daniel Craig, Danny Bonaduce, David Duchovny, David Hyde Pierce, David Schwimmer, David Spade, Denzel Washington, Derek Jeter, Dick Cheney, Don Cheadle, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Eddie Murphy, Elijah Wood, Emile Hirsch, Eric Balfour, Gael García Bernal, George Clooney, George Eads, Gerard Butler, Haley Joel Osment, Harrison Ford, Harry Hamlin, Hayden Christensen, Heath Ledger, Hillary Clinton, Homer Simpson, Hugh Jackman, Isaiah Washington, James Franco, James Marsden, Jamie Foxx, Jared Leto, Jared Padalecki, Jason Lee, Jason Statham, Javier Bardem, Jennifer Garner, Jeremy Piven, Jesse Metacalfe, Jim Carrey, Joaquin Phoenix, Joel McHale, John C. Reilly, John Krasinski, John Stamos, John Travolta, Josh Brolin, Josh Duhamel, Josh Hartnett, Josh Lucas, Julian McMahon, Justin Timberlake, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Kenny Chesney, Kevin Spacey, Kiefer Sutherland, Lance Bass, Leonardo DiCaprio, Liev Schrieber, Luke Wilson, Mario Lopez, Mark Ruffalo, Mark Wahlberg, Matt Damon, Matt Dillon, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Broderick, Matthew McConaughey, Matthew Perry, Michael Angarano, Michael Vartan, Mike Myers, Milo Ventimiglia, Neil Patrick Harris, Nikki Reed, Orlando Bloom, Owen Wilson, Peter Facinelli, Queen Latifah, Ricky Martin, Rob Thomas, Robert Buckley, Robert Pattinson, Ronaldo, Ryan Cabrera, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Scott Speedman, Sean Penn, Sean William Scott, Seth Green, Shane West, Shemar Moore, Shia LeBeouf, Spencer Pratt, Steven Weber, T.R. Knight, Taylor Lautner, Ted Danson, Tobey Maguire, Tom Cruise, Tom Welling, Topher Grace, Usher, Val Kilmer, Viggo Mortensen, Vin Diesel, Vince Vaughn, Wentworth Miller, Will Smith, Wilmer Valderama, Zac Efron, Zach Braff, or Zachary Quinto. Grey Goose is not Anderson Cooper, Chris Pine, George Clooney, Jensen Ackles, Josh Duhamel, Joshua Jackson, Kevin Spacey, Luke McFarlane, Mario Lopez, Matt Dillon, Mel Gibson, Peter Sarsgaard, Ryan Gosling, Stephen Moyer, Tom Cruise, Victor Garber or Zachary Quinto.
2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7