Blind Vice: Young Gay Movie Star in Heat!
Gorgeous young stud Parrish Maguire is as crafty with publicity as he is shy with his fans. Trust us on this one: He's no tormented Toothy Tile, who can't decide which side of the closet door he wants to be on. Parrish has his feet firmly planted inside his walk-in closet (which holds an unfortunate assortment of Lycra, we're sorry to report), where he fully plans on remaining.
Especially since Mr. Maguire has such magnificent male company to keep him satisfied...
As in a hot boyfriend he's absolutely koo-koo horny for and has had for a while now. And this romantic situation was in full force long before Parrish's handlers saw to it to fix him up with luscious, multitalented celeb Priscilla Desert, who has a bit more experience with boys than even Parrish himself does!
The funny thing is, really, that Parrish's friends are even more cavalier about discussing his same-sex bent than even Toothy's buds are—which is really saying something. It's just that Maguire's personal pals think there's such a disconnect between their crowd and Parrish's suddenly gigantic fanbase, they figured word would never trickle down.
Well, isn't that what gossip columns are for?
Exactly. And let's just say Maguire's pro advisers have been far more clammed up in discussing their client's true sexual preference—and they'd like to keep it that way, and Parrey doesn't mind in the least. Ah, such fun to be young and have not convictions yet; it's so much easier that way! (Poor Toothy.)
By the way, this pretty-open life that Parrish led prior to his meteoric rise to hot-stud fame suddenly explains why he almost didn't get his current fab job. Makes perfect sense.
But so, too, does how Parrish's studio employers decided to get Parrish hooked up with Priscilla ASAP.
And the only difference between Parrish and Toothy here is that P-boy doesn't mind his fakey tabloid ride in the least; Toothy loathes it.
Hmm. Who's going to last longer, in the end?
And it ain't: Justin Timberlake, Ryan Kwanten, Liam Hemsworth
2009's final BV character, Nelly Fang, isn't Stephen Moyer ("warm, but wrong"), Peter Facinelli ("Nelly isn't married. Nor quite that butch"), Jamie Campbell Bower ("a way-off guess"), David Boreanaz ("Close 'tho"), Jackson Rathbone ("think more rebellious") or Robert Pattinson ("There are tons of vampire-related studs to put on [the And it ain't list], just didn't choose Rob"). He wouldn't clarify whether NF appeared in TV or movies, just that he is "smolderingly hot." When asked if Kellan Lutz, Brad Pitt and Ryan Kwanten (what the reader refers to as "buffest men of their respective vampire franchises") resemble NF, TC admits that NF's "got a body on him," but did not confirm/deny anything about those three dudes. Since when does Interview with the Vampire constitute a film "franchise"? A reader named Sofia inquired as to whether Nelly had ever "been lost" in what I can only assume was an oblique reference to Ian Somerhalder. Ted dodges with a response about GPS.
There was lots about Brittany Murphy. We got confirmation that she was a BV, though not Morgan Mayhem ("but they were quite similar") or Emma Uh-Oh ("They look similar though").
Smokey Shooter has "a lot of stinky stuff in common" with Devon Heaven, a supporting player in a 5-year-old item about Melba Toasted, a young actress with "nose-bleed baddie ways." In a separate letter, TC neither confirms nor denies that Smokey Shooter is Ashton Kutcher.
One reader wrote in to ask if Butter Pussy and Vadge Fly-Trap could be one in the same. TC reassured us that "Butter and Vadge have so much in common, sometimes they seem like the same person! But they're not." A similar query came in from a reader asking about Whore-Tense Past-tense and Jordache Junky and received a similar response.
Remember Quidget and Bridget Barks-a-Little and Harry and La-Feelya Fun-Tanked? Harry Fun-Tanked is a musician, but no one would be shocked to learn about his alleged drug habit. Harry and La Feelya are not Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick (too "normal") nor are Shooter Jennings and Drea de Matteo. Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy are not Bridget and Quidget.
Tobey Yum-Yum and Me-Me Dallas got a lot of press. We learned that they "might have had a little Britney and Justin Timberlake thing going on" in referece to their allegedly pristine special areas. When asked if their names rhymed with Smiley Fyrus and Lick Bonus, he'd only concede that they were "in the same age bracket," "multi-talented" and that the readers wouldn't be too shocked over either character's identity. We got dodges on whether Tobey is a singer or if Nick Jonas has been a BV.
Ted tells us that Nevis Divine has been guessed correctly, just not printed or responded to. We didn't get a confirmation/denial for Sam Worthington but, judging by TC's previous comment, since he printed it, we can move him to the Ain'ts list.
We got a Lloyd Boy-Toyed mention, but no updates on his journalist buddy. LBT is apparently "preoccupied right now with himself."
One reader wrote in to ask for a hint on IDing Shafterella Shoshstein and Ted replied that "she's working on her next move as we speak." In a separate letter, he named Reese Witherspoon's one as a favorite when asked which Blind Vice Superstar's reveal would shock readers the most. He also hinted that Austin Nichols is cheering up his bud Jake Gyllenhaal in the wake of their breakup, despite the fact that JG's tweets suggest that they're apparently never in the same place at the same time. Reader Twitter Skeptic calls digital shenanigans.
Rocky Trailer is not Elizabeth Reaser. ("Totally wrong...age bracket")
Crotch Uh-Lastic has a younger sibling emerging in showbiz. ("Doesn't everyone?")
Judas Jack-Off isn't the correct BV for Hugh Jackman ("Think less hunky, fer shizzles"). Dashed Dingle Dream is "still in the [acting] Industry".
It ain't Ted without Toothy Tile and Grey Goose: TC re-excludes Wentworth Miller and Luke McFarlane ("Toothy is far more relevant than either Wentworth or Luke"). He also suggests that Toothy calls the shots in their relationship and GG wouldn't go public unless TT was on board, although TC still has "stupidass hope" that it'll happen this year. He dodged when asked if Toothy has become less famous since his BV premiered ("Toothy is pretty well known, as all celebs are at one point or another"), but alleges that Toothy wouldn't confirm his sexuality (and comment on his BV) on Twitter the way Morgan Mayhem apparently did. In another response, he went on to say that these days "Morgan is so loony all the time, she probably doesn't even know where the hell she is half the time."
Megan Fox has not been a BV ("Meg is way too out there with all her crap for us to have to hide it in a B.V.") and neither have Taylor Swift ("Yet. Taylor is still that disgustingly nice") or Matt Lanter. We didn't get a straight answer as to whether Kelly Ripa has shown up in a BV, but, apparently, Jillian Michaels has. As for BV candidates that we already knew about, Ted tells us that Jamie Foxx's BV is in no way related to Jake Gyllenhaal's. Bradley Cooper's BV dates back to his days on Alias and Hayden Christensen's BV is "is probably more popular than he is nowadays." Brad Pitt's is "An oldie but goodie. In many ways." Tom Cruise's BV is so obvious Ted "is not sure what [he] can hint about Tom without giving it away." Natalie Portman's BV "doesn't make her look bad." Michael C. Hall has been the subject of a BV, but it was "pre-wedding" and not ego-related.
-Butter Pussy is not Fergie, Hilary Swank, Hillary Clinton or Whoopi Goldberg.
-Crotch Uh-Lastic is not Adam Brody, Alexander Skarsgård, Christian Bale, Diddy, Derek Hough, John Mayer, Josh Hartnett, Kevin Spacey, Matthew Broderick, Matthew Fox, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Downey Jr., Ryan Gosling, Ryan Philippe, The Rock, Tobey Maguire, Tom Hanks, or Topher Grace.
-Emma Uh-Oh is not Autumn Reeser, Brittany Murphy, Brittany Snow, Jessica Biel, Mischa Barton, Nicollette Sheridan, Paris Hilton, or Shannen Doherty.
-Jordache Junky is not Brittany Murphy, Charlize Theron, Claire Danes, Jessica Alba, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Mena Suvari or Scarlett Johansson.
-Judas Jack-Off is not Benjamin McKenzie, Bradley Cooper, Brandon Routh, Chace Crawford, Chris Evans, Chris Pine, Drake Bell, Ed Westwick, Gale Harold, George Eads, Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas, Josh Peck Joshua Jackson, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Matt Dallas, Milo Ventimiglia, Orlando Bloom, Owen Wilson, Robert Pattinson, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Seacrest, Taylor Kistch or Zac Efron. Dashed Dingle Dream is not Austin Nichols, Drake Bell, J.C. Chasez, Josh Peck, Joshua Jackson or Robert Pattinson.
-Lloyd Boy-Toyed is not Aaron Eckhart, Billy Burke, David Duchovny, Dean Cain, George Clooney, John Mayer, John Travolta, Jon Voight, Kanye West, Matthew Perry or Ralph Fiennes.
-Melba Toasted is not Courtney Love, Drew Barrymore, Kate Bosworth, Kirsten Dunst, Lindsay Lohan, Mischa Barton or Reese Witherspoon.
-Me-Me Dallas is not Camilla Belle, Dakota Fanning, Demi Lovato, Meaghan Martin, Selena Gomez or Taylor Momsen. Tobey Yum Yum is not Chace Crawford, Chris Evans or Joe Jonas.
-Mimi Kitten and Smokey Shooter are not Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford, Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, Katie Lee Joel and Billy Joel, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon or Josh Brolin and Diane Lane.
-Morgan Mayhem is Lindsay Lohan, but is "officially" not Brittany Murphy, Gina Gershon, Hilary Swank, Keira Knightley, Lara Flynn Boyle, Mischa Barton, Nicky Hilton, Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, Queen Latifah, Tara Reid or Whitney Houston.
-Nelly Fang is not Brad Pitt, David Boreanaz, Jackson Rathbone, Jamie Campbell Bower, Kellan Lutz, Peter Facinelli, Robert Pattinson, Ryan Kwanten or Stephen Moyer.
-Nevis Divine is not Alexander Skarsgård, Alex O'Loughlin, Austin Nichols, Bradley Cooper, Chace Crawford, Channing Tatum, Chris Evans, Colin Farrell, Corbin Bleu, Daniel Radcliffe, David Boreanaz, Diego Luna, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Ed Westwick, Edward Norton, Emile Hirsch, Eric Bana, Gael García Bernal, George Clooney, Gerard Butler, Hayden Christensen, Hugh Grant, Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, James Franco, James McAvoy, Jim Sturgess, John Mayer, Johnathan Rhys Meyers, Joshua Jackson, Jude Law, Justin Bartha, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Kevin Connolly, Matt Dallas, Michael Cera, Mike Myers, Olivier Martinez, Orlando Bloom, Penn Badgley, Robert Buckley, Rodrigo Santoro, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Kwanten, Ryan Reynolds, Sam Worthington, Sebastian Stan, Shia LaBeouf, Simon Baker, Stephen Moyer, Viggo Mortensen, Will Smith, or Zac Efron.
-Quidget and Bridget Barks-a-Little and Harry and La-Feelya Fun-Tanked are not Jerry O'Connell and Rebecca Romijn, Sting and Trudie Styler or Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. La-Feelya is not Heidi Fleiss or Drea de Matteo.Quidget and Bridget are not William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman.
-Rocky Trailer is not Anna Kendrick, Dakota Fanning, Elizabeth Reaser, Jackson Rathbone, Nikki Reed or Taylor Lautner.
-Shafterella Shoshstein is not Alanis Morissette, Anne Hathaway, Britney Spears, Demi Moore, Halle Berry, Hilary Swank, Jenifer Aniston, Jennifer Garner, Jessica Simpson, Mary-Louise Parker, Oprah Winfrey, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Shoshanna Lonstein, Sophia Bush, Uma Thurman, Venus Williams, or Whitney Houston.
-Toothy Tile isn't 50 Cent, Aaron Eckhart, Adam Brody, Adrian Grenier, Adrien Brody, All 3 Jonas Brothers, Anderson Cooper, Andy Dick, Ashton Kutcher, Ben Affleck, Ben Mackenzie, Bill Clinton, Bradley Cooper, Brad Pitt, Brandon Davis, Brian Austin Green, Carrot Top, Casey Affleck, Chace Crawford, Chad Michael Murray, Channing Tatum, Chris Evans, Chris Klein, Chris Pine, Christian Bale, Clay Aiken, Colin Farrell, Dane Cook, Daniel Craig, Danny Bonaduce, David Duchovny, David Hyde Pierce, David Schwimmer, David Spade, Denzel Washington, Derek Jeter, Dick Cheney, Don Cheadle, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Eddie Murphy, Elijah Wood, Emile Hirsch, Eric Balfour, Gael García Bernal, George Clooney, George Eads, Gerard Butler, Haley Joel Osment, Harrison Ford, Harry Hamlin, Hayden Christensen, Heath Ledger, Hillary Clinton, Homer Simpson, Hugh Jackman, Isaiah Washington, James Franco, James Marsden, Jamie Foxx, Jared Leto, Jared Padalecki, Jason Lee, Jason Statham, Javier Bardem, Jennifer Garner, Jeremy Piven, Jesse Metacalfe, Jim Carrey, Joaquin Phoenix, Joel McHale, John C. Reilly, John Krasinski, John Stamos, John Travolta, Josh Brolin, Josh Duhamel, Josh Hartnett, Josh Lucas, Julian McMahon, Justin Timberlake, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Kenny Chesney, Kevin Spacey, Kiefer Sutherland, Lance Bass, Leonardo DiCaprio, Liev Schrieber, Luke Wilson, Mario Lopez, Mark Ruffalo, Mark Wahlberg, Matt Damon, Matt Dillon, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Broderick, Matthew McConaughey, Matthew Perry, Michael Angarano, Michael Vartan, Mike Myers, Milo Ventimiglia, Neil Patrick Harris, Nikki Reed, Orlando Bloom, Owen Wilson, Peter Facinelli, Queen Latifah, Ricky Martin, Rob Thomas, Robert Buckley, Robert Pattinson, Ronaldo, Ryan Cabrera, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Scott Speedman, Sean Penn, Sean William Scott, Seth Green, Shane West, Shemar Moore, Shia LeBeouf, Spencer Pratt, Steven Weber, T.R. Knight, Taylor Lautner, Ted Danson, Tobey Maguire, Tom Cruise, Tom Welling, Topher Grace, Usher, Val Kilmer, Viggo Mortensen, Vin Diesel, Vince Vaughn, Wentworth Miller, Will Smith, Wilmer Valderama, Zac Efron, Zach Braff, or Zachary Quinto. Grey Goose is not Anderson Cooper, Chris Pine, George Clooney, Jensen Ackles, Luke McFarlane, Mario Lopez, Matt Dillon, Mel Gibson, Peter Sarsgaard, Ryan Gosling, Tom Cruise, or Zachary Quinto.
-Vadge Fly-Trap is not Jennifer Love Hewitt, Julia Roberts, Katherine Heigl, Martha Stewart, Paris Hilton, Rebecca Rojmin or Scarlett Johansson.
-Whore-Tense Past-tense is not Beyonce Knowles, Cher, Courtney Love, Jenna Jameson, Kate Bosworth, Lara Flynn Boyle or Mischa Barton.
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