Blind Vice: Toothy Trading Coke for Cracking Up?
Bonus Blind! Funny Dude's a Dud in Bed!
1: This is not a joke: Poor closeted movie star Toothy Tile, last caught pitifully fooling around with blow and broads, is more recently causing his friends to worry something fierce about his head.
And I don't mean the kind he prefers getting in West Hollywood parking lots.
As our beloved Mr. T's same-sex desires (and née partnership) have been cast as far back in the closet as Kevin Spacey appears to be, Toothy's extremely tight band of friends are fretting for the fella's emotional well-being?and rightfully so.
"We're wondering when he's going to crack," said one of the slightly lesser-inside chums to the notoriously private actor. "I keep hearing from everybody else that he's about to pop, but it's weird, whenever I see him, he acts like everything's cool. I think he only shows that side of himself to a couple of people."
And those people are telling other people who are telling me:
* Toothy's current and arranged girlfriend is starting to "really get on his nerves," particularly when she cleans up after Toothy, who's apparently a bit of a clumsy eater.
* Toothy's getting fed up with having to keep his (currently reinvented) relationship with Grey Goose in the dark and is threatening his publicists and hangers-on with outing both himself and Grey, which would then, ironically, ruin Grey's own beard relationship, not that anybody really cares, so never mind.
* Toothy's been heard complaining to his advisers that the Biz angle they've chosen for him is not exactly panning out, so "what has it been for?," as Toothy has cried.
* Toothy's so frustrated by being a nonperson, as it were (and how he deems it, quite unlike many other fellow Hollywood celebs who are perfectly happy to sell their empty souls to the tabloid devil), he's become unnaturally obsessed with his abs, a subject years prior, when he was happier with Grey, he didn't give an ef about.
Toothy, Toothy, Toothy!
Please give up this hideous fake life while you can, and before you turn into one of these six-packed prima donnas who have about as much to say in life as does Kristin Cavallari. We know the real Toothy's dying to come out.
(Hey, Neil Patrick Harris still has an OK gig, ya know).
And it ain't: Kevin Spacey, Bradley Cooper, Robert Pattinson
2: Nothing refreshes us on a moody Monday morning like a Bonus Blind Vice, and we're all in luck, babes! This one's full of sex 'n' love and secondhand embarrassment for Stinky Carrot-Crotch, a boob-tube dude used to rolling around in piles of money, but typically all by his lonesome.
Man's not exactly a lady-killer, though his bank account and undeniable talent certainly get women to give him second, third and fourth glances, shockingly. He's not exactly tragic-looking, either—so we're kinda stunned to hear SCC's got trouble with the female sort.
Well, not always—Stink got kissed by lady luck (and then some) one special evening, but maybe he should've been careful what he wished for...
Stinky, who just loves to hear the sound of his own voice, slunk into a karaoke joint for a night of dorky fun, but ended up with a whole lot more in his hand than a microphone. Like two babes looking for a good time and a famous guy to do it with. The punch-drunk gal-pals recognized the dude from his work on the small screen and were more than willing to hightail it back to his place for a night of supersloshed after-hours antics.
Was Carrot-Crotch into it? Totally! This was his first ménage à trois ever, and he was sick of being a prude by default. Unfortunately for him (and even sadder for the two girls) he didn't know what the hell he was doing the whole time, since he barely knows how to handle one broad in the bedroom, let alone two.
The next morning, C.C. woke up with a sparkle in his eyes for one of the honeys—'course, she had endured enough of the star's inexperience in bed the night before and ran out of there, prioritizing her libido over a life of riches and jewels and other high-class crap. Her other friend, however, totally had the hots for Carrot-Crotch, but his mind was too focused on what he couldn't have: the other girl who wanted nothing to do with him.
Take heed to the moral of Stinky Carrot-Crotch: This proves that money sure can't buy you everything—including how to please a woman. 'Course, he could always pick up one of these at his local sex shop; they do the trick just fine, we hear! Unlike Stinky. Poor rich, funny baby.
And it Ain't: Jon Hamm, Sam Trammell, Matt Stone
Is Ryan Phillippe Topher Hairy-Tuchus? He seems like a good fit. And it seems the BVs are cooling off a bit. I can't wait for spring when everyone starts humping again! Oh, and do you have your New Moon tickets yet? Need a date?
Dear Mooning Over Blinds:
No need to get New Moon tickets this far in advance—it'll be in theaters long enough for every fanggirl (et moi) to see it dozens of times. So no, sweetie, and no to Ryan as THT, too.
Why don't we ask about Russell Crowe? Same reason you don't post shirtless pictures of him on your Web page. He's a douche whose sex appeal didn't last beyond the time it took to film Gladiator. In the interests of balance and just so you don't think we believe all gay men are well groomed with nice hair, please dish about Vin Diesel, John Travolta and Mike Myers. We won't give a rat's ass about the answer, though, because we mostly prefer well-groomed men with nice hair, but knock yourself out.
Dear Blech Men:
Uh, do I have to talk about Mike Myers? I'd much prefer not, mostly because any goss on the notoriously aggravating man has already been spread and he hasn't done one smart career move in years—even his five seconds working with Tarantino in Inglourious Basterds was a huge letdown.
I think I have figured out who Nevis Divine is: Chris Evans!
Don't quit your day job!
Is Jackie Bouffant working on a movie right now?
He usually is. Dude knows how to keep his career rolling right along!
Is Whore-Hey Hoeman Donald Trump or Howard Stern?
Dear Wrong Biz:
So way off.
Is Me-Me Dallas a singer as well as an actress? And is she a Disney star?
I'm only answering one of those. Yes, she also sings.
I was hoping you could clear something up for me relating to a rumor I've heard on and off for the last decade or so. To the best of your knowledge, is there any truth to the rumor that Keanu Reeves and River Phoenix were more than just friends?
Dear Let the Dead Rest:
Of course they were more than just friends. They were also costars.
Has Julia Roberts ever been the subject of a Blind Vice? Not currently but perhaps back in the day? And has Julia ever worked with Toothy Tile?
—Meg in the Mountains
Dear Paging Miss Roberts:
Does something about Julia's toothy smile make you suspicious? Very interesting. J.R. might be as squeaky-clean as she appears, but yes, she sure made the Blind Vice hall of infamy back before she settled down. Jeez, looks like this marriage is lasting a lot longer than folks thought it would, eh?
After looking through the Blind Vice photo gallery, which I loved and thank you, it occurred to me that if you ever get tired of calling it B.V. you could always go with Eight Degrees of Jennifer Aniston!
—Amanda F., NYC
Dear Joshing Jen:
Hollywood's a small town. Why do you think everyone has herpes? And no, that isn't a jab at Aniston, humorless E! legal department, so why don't you go bitch-slap Joel McHale for a change instead.
OK, I think I finally got a Blind Vice! Perka Penis-Player and Schlamm Butt-Wiggle are Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon....am I right?
Dear No Cigar:
Sorry, babe, oh so wrong! Think far less interested in actual acting.
Can you give us want an update on the status of Judas Jack-Off and Dashed Dingle Dream's relationship?
Dear Unrequited Love:
Ain't what it was. Never will be, either.
Is Jackie Bouffant more or less famous than Robert Pattinson?
Dear It's All Relative:
Depends which age group you ask.
Has Josh Duhamel ever been a Blind Vice?
Back before Fergie made him an honest woman.
I happen to love Hilary Duff, she seems nothing like the typical Hollywood starlet type, but is she really like this or is it all just an act?
Dear Doubting Duff:
She may not be your cookie-cutter Hollywood slough, but she's hardly innocent. Just is smart enough to stay out of the tabloid eye—most of the time. Remember, she's from Texas, you can never underestimate those sneaky Southerners.
Are you quite sure darling Ryan Reynolds hasn't got a thing for the guys?
Dear Bi-Guy Ry-Guy:
Judging by the size of Scarlett Johansson's everything, I'd say no.
Has Leonardo DiCaprio ever been a Blind Vice? I've seen him out a couple times, always chatting up a model type, and it got me curious if he has some skeletons in the closet.
Dear Lovely Leo:
He's a horndog, sure, and has a weird foot fetish I hear, but other than that, he's sort of your typical ball-playing guy.
Give me the awful truth on Beyoncé. Something tells me she is not the humble and loving person she claims to be. I'm thinking she is really just as bitchy as J.Lo. Is her marriage to Jay-Z going to last?
Is B a diva? Hell yes. But she does have the right to be—honestly, I find her to be shockingly kind of nice. For a superstar.
I am totally crushing on Ian Somerhalder. What's his story? Is he dating someone? Has he ever been a Blind Vice?
Dear Vamp It Up:
Ah, you must go for the bad-boy types, then?
Ted & Co., I love you guys, especially for loving the meanies out there.
Dear Call a Spade a Spade:
We have no problem calling a bitch a bitch, when deserved (cough—Jennifer Garner), but some of these Hollywood types just don't deserve the bad rep!
I was reading some comments on here and there was this person who kept writing bad stuff about you like you are a liar. How would you know all about this private stuff? Blah blah blah. Basically they were saying that you make it all up. So I was wondering if they didn't like it, why would they bother reading it. I know I would not. I figured it was someone you write about because they were just too interested in something that they said was stupid. Do you think these celebrities actually write comments and send emails to you? You are awesome!
Dear Be-yotch Patrol:
I wish celebs would do that! Sadly they hide behind their PR peeps. As for all of this Robsten stuff I assume you're referring to? Darlings, I couldn't make this juice up even if I wanted to.
Is Stinky Carrot-Crotch Jason Segel? Love him. He just needs a good teacher. Love your blog, Ted!
Dear Right on the Funny:
Wrong on the dude. Right on the type.
If the tables were turned and you were a Hollywood celeb and the tabs were reporting on you, which celeb would you most resemble (attitude, personality, etc.)?
Dear Not So Fast:
I'm not playing that game because then I'd have to say Amy Winehouse because, really, there's ultimately little difference between smoking crack and tobacco—they both usually kill you in the end.
Has Shia LaBeouf ever been the subject of one of your Blind Vices?
Is Brad Pitt a hot daddy mess?
I think I have a good guess for Judas Jack-Off: Nick Jonas. Great hair, sweet face and I never believed in his faux-mance with Miley Cyrus.
Dear Justin & Britney Jr.:
There was nothing faux there, sorry!
Or maybe I will have better luck if I put it this way: Has Anderson Cooper ever been mentioned in one (or a few) BVs?
Dear Silver Fox Trap:
You bet your tight-butt BF he has.
Is Whore-Hey Hoeman you, Ted?
Dear Here We Go Again:
No, a thousand times no!
So what is really up with George Clooney, the infamous bachelor who has vowed to never marry again? I always thought it was obvious he loved women and just assumed he was burnt very badly early on and is now a commitment-phobe. However now I'm thinking he may be a closet misogynist, no matter how many pretty women he squires around. Which is it?
Dear Curious George:
Maybe none of the above?
Have you seen Angelina lately? She looks like a heroin addict. She looks horrible...so does Brad for that matter...and the last picture I saw of her kids, they looked like raggedy li'l children with sloppy clothes. What's wrong with these people? They have enough money (and help) to do better! What gives?
Dear Armed and Dangerous:
Oh hon, Angie's battling tons of problems and has a lot of people concerned for her, that's damn sure. Brad's probably worn out from worrying too much 'bout her, too.
Ted, I was saddened to hear in your Sept. 23 column that you were thinking of turning in your membership card and playing for the "other team." I think if you're going to do this you should take baby steps and get yourself a beard first for a trial run. Now I'm sure an out-and-proud guy like yourself doesn't have much experience with beards, so you should probably get some advice from Nicole Kidman, Reese Witherspoon, Miranda Kerr, Rachel Bilson, Vanessa Hudgens and Jennifer Aniston...Not that they're now or ever have been beards, of course; they're just a varied group of empowered women certain to have interesting perspectives on life, and anyway they're sure to know someone who knows someone...
Dear Loaded Letter:
Do you know something I don't?
You know an article was posted about Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth dating and getting cozy. Where are the pictures and facts? I want to see them. If you guys were that smart and understood her tweets, you would know her boyfriend is Nick Jonas. Maybe I should work there. The bottom line is people with these stories are ruining her relationship with him—is that fair to them? What if someone did this to you?
Dear Tween Expert:
Want to intern with us if you know so much? Not everyone who sees a star getting close with someone has a camera on them at the time, or good enough lighting to take a clear shot. Take it with a grain of salt if ya want, but I don't see any photos of Miley and Nick swapping something other than tips for cleaning their purity rings, either, do you?
Thank you for telling like it is. I'm talking about those kiss-ass Hollywood big shots that think raping a 13-year-old can be forgotten and forgiven (in that order). Michael Jackson had to die to make him a saint, and now Roman Polanski is a martyr after three days in jail? Do you have any Blind Vices from his Save the Raper club? Wouldn't that be fun and enlightening? P.S.: My husband says there's too much Robsten going on—I tried explaining to him...I know, I know.
Dear Moral Compass:
Fascinating query. And yes, at least one dog Blind Vice alum is a Polanski defender, such the surprise.
I am a long time reader. I remember back in the day Brad Pitt was known to be...how shall we say...fragrant? Did he clean up, or is he still stinky?
Dear Smell Ya Later:
He's somewhat cleaned up his act in the last few years, but don't expect if you ever get close enough to smell Brad that you're gonna breathe in the essence of roses and tulips. The dude's all man, just how Angelina likes it. (Surprising, since masculine lovers weren't always her type.)
Is Stinky Carrot-Crotch married? You accidentally failed to mention that.
Nope, SCC has never walked down the aisle. But I'm sure he will before long. At least twice.
Perka Penis-Player & Schlamm Butt-Wiggle are Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, aren't they? Why even make it a Blind Vice? Now, if they were both sleeping with the same pool boy then that would be something...Have you come up with anything else besides cigarettes yet to satisfy your oral fixation?
Dear Not So Golden:
I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate my love for the always vampin' Goldie. And no, not till I hit Vancouver.
I wondered if Jon Gosselin was ever the subject of a Blind Vice? I seem to recall a vice about someone "famous" (for lack of a better word) hanging out with college students and just read something about Jon doing the same.
—Me in S.C.
If that was Gosselin, we would've just come out and said it. He's done a helluva lot worse that's been reported, and anyway, our Blind Vices are for real stars, not douchebag wannabes.
Love your column; you are one of the few that can gossip in a good-hearted way. I wanted to know if Topher Hairy-Tuchus is Colin Farrell. He fits all the clues you have given, and if this is the correct ID then the identity of the "hunky minuteman" should also be interesting.
Dear Keep Guessin':
Sorry! Colin's scot-free from THT's curious sexual ways. Think less dark Irish type, just as cute 'n' hairy.
I'm curious about Anderson Cooper, the journalist from CNN. Anything about his personal life you care to share? There is a lot of speculation, but I'd like to know what you know.
Dear Silver Fox:
He's very curious about women's dresses—is that the type of stuff you're after?
-Fake à la Ferocity is not Ashley Judd, Ashley Olsen, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Charlize Theron, Claire Danes, Drew Barrymore, Felicity Huffman, Gwyneth Paltrow, Heather Locklear, Jennifer Connolly, Jennifer Garner, Jenna Jameson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Keira Knightley, Kelly Ripa, Kirsten Dunst, Madonna, Mary Kate Olsen, Melanie Griffith, Nicole Richie, Sarah Jessica Parker, Sharon Stone, Victoria Beckham, or Whitney Houston.
-Jackie Bouffant is not Bradley Cooper, Channing Tatum, Kellan Lutz, Nick Jonas or Taylor Kitsch.
-Judas Jack-Off is not Benjamin McKenzie, Bradley Cooper, Brandon Routh, Chace Crawford, Chris Evans, Chris Pine, Ed Westwick, Gale Harold, Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas, Joshua Jackson, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Matt Dallas, Milo Ventimiglia, Orlando Bloom, Robert Pattinson, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Seacrest, Taylor Kistch or Zac Efron. Dashed Dingle Dream is not J.C. Chasez or Joshua Jackson.
-Me-Me Dallas is not Camilla Belle, Dakota Fanning, Demi Lovato, Meaghan Martin, Selena Gomez or Taylor Momsen. Tobey Yum Yum is not Chace Crawford, Chris Evans or Joe Jonas.
-Nevis Divine is not Alexander Skarsgård, Alex O'Loughlin, Austin Nichols, Bradley Cooper, Chace Crawford, Channing Tatum, Chris Evans, Colin Farrell, Corbin Bleu, Daniel Radcliffe, David Boreanaz, Diego Luna, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Ed Westwick, Edward Norton, Emile Hirsch, Eric Bana, George Clooney, Gerard Butler, Hayden Christensen, Hugh Grant, Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, James Franco, James McAvoy, Jim Sturgess, John Mayer, Johnathan Rhys Meyers, Joshua Jackson, Justin Bartha, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Kevin Connolly, Matt Dallas, Michael Cera, Mike Myers, Olivier Martinez, Orlando Bloom, Penn Badgley, Robert Buckley, Rodrigo Santoro, Ryan Kwanten, Ryan Reynolds, Sebastian Stan, Shia LaBeouf, Simon Baker, Stephen Moyer, Viggo Mortensen, Will Smith, or Zac Efron.
-Perka Penis-Player and Schlamm Butt-Wiggle are not Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford, Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon, Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin or Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks.
-Stinky Carrot-Crotch is not Jason Segel, Jon Hamm, Matt Stone or Sam Trammell.
-Toothy Tile isn't 50 Cent, Aaron Eckhart, Adam Brody, Adrian Grenier, Adrien Brody, All 3 Jonas Brothers, Anderson Cooper, Andy Dick, Ashton Kutcher, Ben Affleck, Ben Mackenzie, Bill Clinton, Bradley Cooper, Brad Pitt, Brandon Davis, Brian Austin Green, Carrot Top, Casey Affleck, Chad Michael Murray, Channing Tatum, Chris Evans, Chris Klein, Chris Pine, Christian Bale, Clay Aiken, Colin Farrell, Dane Cook, Daniel Craig, Danny Bonaduce, David Duchovny, David Hyde Pierce, David Schwimmer, David Spade, Denzel Washington, Derek Jeter, Dick Cheney, Don Cheadle, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Eddie Murphy, Elijah Wood, Emile Hirsch, Eric Balfour, every famous male you can think of except Jake Gyllenhaal, Gael García Bernal, George Clooney, George Eads, Gerard Butler, Haley Joel Osment, Harrison Ford, Harry Hamlin, Hayden Christensen, Heath Ledger, Hillary Clinton, Homer Simpson, Hugh Jackman, Isaiah Washington, James Franco, James Marsden, Jamie Foxx, Jared Leto, Jared Padalecki, Jason Lee, Jason Statham, Jennifer Garner, Jeremy Piven, Jesse Metacalfe, Jim Carrey, Joaquin Phoenix, Joel McHale, John C. Reilly, John Krasinski, John Stamos, John Travolta, Josh Brolin, Josh Duhamel, Josh Hartnett, Josh Lucas, Julian McMahon, Justin Timberlake, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Kenny Chesney, Kevin Spacey, Kiefer Sutherland, Lance Bass, Leonardo DiCaprio, Liev Schrieber, Luke Wilson, Mario Lopez, Mark Ruffalo, Mark Wahlberg, Matt Damon, Matt Dillon, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Broderick, Matthew McConaughey, Matthew Perry, Michael Angarano, Michael Vartan, Mike Myers, Milo Ventimiglia, Neil Patrick Harris, Nikki Reed, Orlando Bloom, Owen Wilson, Peter Facinelli, Queen Latifah, Ricky Martin, Rob Thomas, Robert Buckley, Robert Pattinson, Ronaldo, Ryan Cabrera, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Scott Speedman, Sean Penn, Sean William Scott, Seth Green, Shane West, Shemar Moore, Shia LeBeouf, Spencer Pratt, Steven Weber, T.R. Knight, Taylor Lautner, Ted Danson, Tobey Maguire, Tom Cruise, Tom Welling, Topher Grace, Usher, Val Kilmer, Viggo Mortensen, Vin Diesel, Vince Vaughn, Wentworth Miller, Will Smith, Wilmer Valderama, Zac Efron, Zach Braff, or Zachary Quinto. Grey Goose is not Anderson Cooper, Chris Pine, George Clooney, Jensen Ackles, Mario Lopez, Matt Dillon, Mel Gibson, Peter Sarsgaard, Ryan Gosling, Tom Cruise, or Zachary Quinto.
-Topher Hairy-Tuchus is not Adrien Grenier, Antonio Sabato Jr., Chris Pine, Colin Farrell, Daniel Radcliffe, Eddie Cibrian, George Clooney, Gerard Butler, Robert Pattinson, Ryan Philippe, Tom Cruise or Will Smith.
-Whore-Hey Hoeman is not A.J. Hammer, Donald Trump, Howard Stern, Mario Lopez, Matt Drudge or Ted Casablanca.
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