Blind Vice: A Truly Desperate Housewife
No, this isn't the soapy made-up stuff on ABC. This is real-life desperation, babes, Hollywood-style!
There's an aging celeb couple in town who have been pretty damn lucky with their love life, for many years. Sure, they've had their ups and downs (both professionally and personally), but Perka Penis-Player and Schlamm Butt-Wiggle have still managed to stick it out for the tabloid-headlined long haul—miraculously so.
Everybody said they wouldn't make it. But so far, they have—at least for appearance's sake.
Maybe that's because Perka's a broad who's willing to do whatever it takes (in her rather sex-kitten-ish, stereotyped eyes) to hold onto her still-doable guy, despite the fact that his very nice ass has dropped as much as his box-office appeal these days. So what does "whatever it takes" require Perka to engage in? Plastic surgery, perhaps? Oh gawd, that was years ago.
No, now it's time for crafty Ms. Penis-Player to move on the next part of her bod that needs lifting. Can you guess what it is? Ass or eyes, you ask?
Wrong! Her hands! OMG, what will these Frankenstein Beverly Hills plastic surgeons think of next! Is a knee lift next? Don't tell me: It probably already exists.
Nevertheless, it's Perka who's now gone through the recent and incredibly weird process of having her hands lifted, as if that's the part of her anatomy that's gonna get Schlamm's schlong in gear. Maybe it will—I don't know what the hell makes people hot for each other, anymore.
But dare I say it's all a waste of time? You see, as of late, Schlamm's own digits are notorious for touching everything but that Penis-Player he's been shackin' up with for eons.
Why do couples go on like this? Just call it a day and go screw who you like, already!
And it ain't: Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin, Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks, Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford
I have to comment about Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson heading into Gyllenspoon territory. All of those who have been loyal to you for years knows "exactly" what that implication means. Are you giving us a hint that Ryan and ScarJo are on the same level as crafty Reese and smiley Jake? Or are you giving us a hint that Gyllenspoon is gonna tie the knot like Ryan and ScarJo?
Dear So Subtle:
We were implying that Ry and Scar are one latte away from being as boring as Reese and Jake. You read into things much too much, hon. In that item in particular of ours, at least.
Patrick Swayze's death (so sad) got me thinking: He and his wife were together from a very young age and seemed like a couple truly in love. What other couples in Hollywood would you say are or were like this? I always loved Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft, not sure why, but it seemed like they really worked together. Thoughts on modern couples?
Dear Eternal Love:
You're looking for a non-Robsten relaysh, right? Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick are the real deal, and Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford still seem pretty lovey-dovey for one another (bit of a shocker), and not in a show-offy TomKat way.
Please tell me my favorite actor of all time, Viggo Mortensen, has never been a Blind Vice. He seems like such a great guy and not one to get involved in all that Hollywood stuff.
Dear Lord of the Lads:
True that he's not interested in the Hollywood scene, but trust us: Viggo knows his way 'round raunchy fun. Just not yet in Blind Vice form, perhaps soon?
If a little fairy granted you the wish for just one of your gay Blind Vices to come out, who would you choose and why?
Dear Come Into the Light:
Toothy, of course—it would be epic! As much as I love having my li'l Toothy as a regular in this column, I'd rather dish dirt about him using his real moniker.
You're a dickhead, why don't you f--king grow up, already? Who the f--k are you to imply that Rachel McAdams is ugly or old-looking? Criticizing celebrities' stupid behavior is perfectly acceptable, but why make it personal? You have issues, dude. I won't be reading your words anymore—too negative, just like Kanye. Congratulations on being in the same category as that loser.
Dear Just Like West:
I'm really happy for you, and I'm gonna let you finish, but Rachel McAdams had one of the best faces of all time until that disastrous fashion show. No worries, she'll be back soon
Let's cut to the chase on this one: Is Judas Jack-Off on the big screen or television?
Dear Big and Small Screener:
Both, but definitely more one than the other.
I read your description of the term beard (and double-beard). Your definition is too narrow and seems biased. A beard is someone who acts as a date/lover/boyfriend or girlfriend to hide the other person's real relationship and/or sexuality. Also, since bisexuals date and sleep with both men and women, logically neither sex is a beard. In one of your B.V.s, you've hinted that Judas Jack-Off is 'bi," so really no one he dates is a beard. Anyway, hope you're honest enough to clarify the definition of beard with your readers.
If somebody's dating somebody just for show—which Judas has done with some ladies—it counts as a beard. Or how about a goatee, since you clearly want some more-specific definition for each scenario.
Topher Hairy-Tuchus...I'm thinking its Eddie Cibrian.
Topher's rep is much more sparkling than Eddie's.
How many of the Blind Vice subjects know that they're in a Blind Vice with A.T.? Do they panic over it? Are there hysterics (in all senses of the word) from them, their lawyers, etc? Sorry to hear about Jon. Huge bear hug.
Dear Hysterical Blindness:
A large percentage of them are pretty aware they're our shining stars, since some of these so-specific Vices couldn't have happened to anyone else. Plus, if they're sinning out in public, they shouldn't be surprised that it ends up somewhere on a gossip blog. And thanks for the virtual hugs, hon.
How's Terry Tush-Trade going in the media? Big on attending all the awards shows and benefits? Or usually keeping it low-key?
Dear Dog and Pony Show:
She keeps it pretty low-key while still making the T-town rounds, which means she isn't truly a look-at-me Paris Hilton type. Thank god for that. [Ed: For the record, this is the first time TTT's gender has been revealed.]
Screw all these pretty boys you seem so in love with. Let's discuss a real man. Robert Pattinson has nothing on Jon Hamm. Any secrets we should know about him?
Dear Hamm Sandwich:
Oh, honey, we are all fans of Jon Hamm here at the A.T. He's the Robert Pattinson of his generation, even if Jon disagrees. As for dirt on Jon, we're so working on it. Heard some interesting rumors 'bout him. We're digging.
So where was Jessica Biel on Emmy night? Why wasn't she with Justin Timberlake? Are my dreams coming true? Did he dump her?
Dear Out With the Old:
She's so boring, who cares. This relaysh won't be for keeps...at least not if Justin grows a pair.
What's up with Ian Somerhalder? He doesn't look as gorgeous as he used to. Not trying to be catty. Just wondering if it's the way the makeup artists are doing his "look" on Vampire Diaries. I know he's still far too good-looking not to have a Blind Vice—just have no idea what it is.
Dear I'll Maybe Tell:
Women are his vice. Inappropriate women, too.
Is Fruzzy Tuna Stench Emile Hirsch? If not, I'm guessing Emile is already another B.V. Any clues?
—Something's fishy with that guy
Dear What's Cookin':
You must be catching the wrong smell, 'cause you're way off. Think different genre, same douchey attitude.
So Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles...You seem to be giving us snippets and off-the-cuff remarks. I was wondering is this too close to home or all in some of our heads? Best friends, bromance, romance, friends with benefits or just two guys who work together? I gotta admit I'll love them anyway. Honestly, I think that, like me, the majority of their fans will support them and think they're awesome either way. But curiosity is a bitch.
Dear Friends With Benefits:
But it's a little fun too, right?
You've got some of us in a muddle with all this bearding business. What do you call a girl who is unknowingly dating and having sex with a guy whose true affections lie with his secret boyfriend?
First off I must say that I absolutely love your site. I'm truly addicted (like stars are to their nose candy). My question: Has George Clooney ever been a Blind Vice? And is it true he has some not-so-straight tendencies? If so, you two would make a fab couple!
Dear Star Power:
You'd better believe our beloved Georgie has been a B.V. Victim. As for that second part, you don't really think I'd answer that, do you?
Why are the most beautiful men gay? Wait, you don't need to answer that. Just tell me if Kellan Lutz has been a Blind Vice. He is gorgeous.
Dear Lusting for Lutz:
Not directly, no.
Is Whore-Hey Hoeman why you broke up with Jon? You were caught cheating on him and this unnamed chick blackmailed you? Take care.
Dear Tall Tales:
Nice try, but Whore's not exactly my type.
Does Jackie Bouffant have a current squeeze? And if so, is she aware of his preference for blokes? Thanks awfully.
Dear Jack Attack:
Yeah, Jackie has a current squeeze, just not the kind of gender he prefers!
Is Whore-Hey married, with children? Love you, Ted!
Dear Family Matters:
Negative. Love you back!
You're a d-bag!
Dear Rubber and Glue:
Heart you, too, xoxo, Gossip Girl.
Though I have a good idea who Tobey Yum-Yum is, I don't think Me-Me Dallas has the best of both worlds. Is it possible she's more witchy than she lets on?
Dear Play on Words:
Witchy? Sure, why not.
The two questions about Viggo Mortensen and Orlando Bloom one after the other in the last column got me thinking: Anything going on between the two of them back in the day? (Orli was way too pretty to be straight, right?) Or any other vintage LOTR cast scoop? Thanks, and I hope things get better for you soon.
Dear Lord of the Fellas:
And Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger had a hot affair just because they starred in Brokeback Mountain together, too, right?
I'm totally loving on Dead Man's Bones and Ryan Gosling right now....makes me wonder though...what skeletons does RG have in his closet? Has he been a BV?
Dear Curious About Ryan:
Nope, but he's ascending soon!
What happened with Ashton Kutcher's movie Spread? Never saw it out in theaters here...and after seeing all of the premiere pics in the tabs, never heard about it again! I thought it was very strange that Demi Moore was on site to give advice on love scenes, etc. and make nice with hubby's younger female costars. Do you find that strange as well or even just gross? Can she leave him alone and let him work already? Insecure a lot, Demi?
—PK in SC
Dear Spread Too Thin:
It sucked. Terribly. That's what happened!
Love you, want to have a million babies just like you. Here's my question: Has Chace Crawford been a subject of a BV before? If so, was it recently (think sometime in 2009)? Thanks!
Dear Chasing Chace:
Thank you, no thank you and yes and yes.
It's interesting to see that so many Hollywood stars cover up the truth, although there are some fans who would still like them for who they really are. My question is, do Tom Cruise and Zac Efron have beards?
—Curious in Calif.
Dear Hairy Question:
Why not ask me what position they prefer when having sex with their partners? Jeez. What I find interesting is that this policing of certain stars' sex lives always seems to revolve around the same crowd, why's that? Is there something they're doing that encourages it? Perfect hair and manners, perhaps? Don't see people poking 'round Russell Crowe's sex life, for instance—and he's played gay.
It's been a long time since we've heard anything about Nevis Divine . Does Nevis' current lady know about his bisexuality? Is she bisexual, as well? What's the word for a bisexual man dating a bisexual woman? Brangelina?
—Awful Truth Researcher
Dear Clever One:
Good one! Or quadrosexualism, if you prefer. And the other answer is definitely a yes.
I have such a love-hate thing going on with your Blind Vices. I'm obsessed with finding out who they are, and at the same time, I'm disgusted with myself for even wanting to know. I know you can't reveal most Vices, but will you help me get a little closer to overcoming my obsession by telling me if Toothy Tile is featured in your Blind Vice Superstars Gallery? And is Rob Pattinson's B.V. Twilight related?
—Way Too Obsessed
Dear Pushing It:
On the first part, I'll give you this: probably. No comment on the second.
Love your column just as much as when I first discovered it. Just want to write in regard to your letter to Morgan Mayhem. I really think you should out what she's doing in the hope that she gets some real help. Seeing how many celebs have died tragically too soon because of drugs makes me worry her time is coming. Just hate to see anyone lose their life because no one stepped in to help them. That's all!
—End the Mayhem
Thanks, but truthfully, Morgan is the only one who can get herself "real" help. Ain't gonna come from any other person, place or thing.
With her recent Emmy nom for Grey Gardens and directorial debut with Whip It!, it seems like Drew Barrymore's career is on the right track. Plus, it looks like she and Justin Long are back on. However, I was more than a little concerned when I saw an E! interview where Drew was talking about getting wasted after she wrapped her film. Now, I've never been through rehab, but it seems to me that drinking at all is awfully dangerous for someone trying to stay sober. Is there any reason to worry Drew may be struggling with staying on the wagon?
Dear Sober Cop:
First off, there are a variety of different ways one can get wasted: you should see what Janet Jackson does with a plate or three of french fries, for instance. Every woman chooses her poison, including me, who's recently smoking again, so I ain't gonna say bupkes from here on.
I have a theory as to who Topher Hairy-Tuchus might be, and if it's who I think it is, then I'll be visiting Craigslist from now on. I say it's Antonio Sabato Jr.
Dear Hunt's On:
Nope, as far as I'm aware, handsome, well-muscled, well-endowed Mr. Sabato ain't a Craigslist sex aficionado, nor is he Topher. Think considerably more commercially viable, not certainly any better-looking.
I'm sorry to hear about your recent struggles. I've become a devout fan of A.T. ever since you started dishing on all things Twilight. I'm glad readers are showing more love for Kristen Stewart now. I was lucky enough to see her at the Adventureland premiere at Sundance. She was shy, humble and completely adorable! Has she ever been the subject of one of your Twilight Blind Vices?
—Twi & Ted Lover
Dear Double-T Kisser:
Ah, flattery, very smart tool for getting what you want, darling. Just ain't gonna work. But you're detective radar is as warm as your heart, I'll say that much. [Ed: That ugly grammar fail was all Ted's.]
A while back you said that Nikki Reed was sneaking someone into her trailer. Could that someone be Terry Tush-Trade?
Dear Way Off:
Terry Tush-Trade would not be sneaking into Nikki's trailer, for a multitude of reasons.
Just wondering what's up with Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake? Will they break up soon? Their chemistry is just weird; he doesn't seem interested in her.
Dear He Is and He Isn't:
Not soon enough, but yes, soon.
Is "witchy" Selena Gomez Me-Me Dallas?
Dear Young Ones:
Close, darling, but still so wrong.
I just want to say that I've been reading your posts since you were on that E! show with about 10 celebrity gossipers (yeah, I know that's not a word) and I always liked you the best. My question is not about Robsten, but a general question: Do you think it's not worth it to live in Hollywood since most people seem to be either hiding things or not living their lives as they truly wish? Are the Hollywood perks worth it?
Dear Hollywood Life:
Depends what your priorities are. Does having a mansion and a live-in maid and all that superficial stuff outweigh being true to yourself? For some people in T-town, it surely does. And thanks for the kudos!
So, switching to women, uh? Now good luck with that! You know what they say about all men being pervs and all women being nuts? So true. But anyway, I have a question: Is Judas Jack-Off more like Kellan Lutz (meaning a hunk from the very beginning) or more like babyface Taylor Lautner (meaning he hulked up later on)? C'mon, Teddy, I know you can answer that!
Dear Twi Man Mix:
He's a nice combination of the two of those hunks heating up chilly Vancouver.
Is Judas Jack-Off Matt Dallas?
Dear Running Out of Guesses:
Nope—think of a dude much more obviously one half of a manly pair. [Ed: Insert testicle joke here]
Do you have any dirt on Hugh Laurie? He's admitted to at least one affair in the past.
Usually it's the people that don't openly admit their Vices that we get dirt on. Hugh's doing all the dirty work for me.
Has Tom Cruise ever been the subject of a Blind Vice? I still think something is fishy between TomKat. It seems too strange, and Katie Holmes seems like a Stepford Wife. What's up with them?
Dear Late to the Party:
Is it still 2005 where you are? You're just realizing now that something strange is going on at the Cruise-Holmes house? Yes, Mr. Cruise is a most impressive Vicer, so sleep well tonight.
-Fruzzy Tuna Stench is not Bradley Cooper, David Duchovny, Emile Hirsch, George Clooney, John Mayer, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Russell Brand or Stephen Moyer.
-Jackie Bouffant is not Bradley Cooper, Channing Tatum, Kellan Lutz, Nick Jonas or Taylor Kitsch.
-Judas Jack-Off is not Benjamin McKenzie, Bradley Cooper, Brandon Routh, Chace Crawford, Chris Evans, Chris Pine, Ed Westwick, Gale Harold, Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas, Joshua Jackson, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Matt Dallas, Milo Ventimiglia, Orlando Bloom, Robert Pattinson, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Seacrest, Taylor Kistch or Zac Efron. Dashed Dingle Dream is not J.C. Chasez or Joshua Jackson.
-Me-Me Dallas is not Camilla Belle, Dakota Fanning, Demi Lovato, Meaghan Martin, Selena Gomez or Taylor Momsen. Tobey Yum Yum is not Chace Crawford, Chris Evans or Joe Jonas.
-Morgan Mayhem is probably Lindsay Lohan, though that "gorgeous" remark makes me wonder...
-Nevis Divine is not Alexander Skarsgård, Alex O'Loughlin, Austin Nichols, Bradley Cooper, Chace Crawford, Channing Tatum, Colin Farrell, Corbin Bleu, Daniel Radcliffe, David Boreanaz, Diego Luna, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Ed Westwick, Edward Norton, Emile Hirsch, Eric Bana, George Clooney, Gerard Butler, Hayden Christensen, Hugh Grant, Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, James Franco, James McAvoy, Jim Sturgess, John Mayer, Johnathan Rhys Meyers, Joshua Jackson, Justin Bartha, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Kevin Connolly, Matt Dallas, Michael Cera, Mike Myers, Olivier Martinez, Orlando Bloom, Penn Badgley, Robert Buckley, Rodrigo Santoro, Ryan Kwanten, Ryan Reynolds, Sebastian Stan, Shia LaBeouf, Simon Baker, Stephen Moyer, Viggo Mortensen, Will Smith, or Zac Efron.
-Terry Tush-Trade is not Ashley Greene, Billy Burke, Catherine Hardwick, Chris Weitz, Christian Serratos, Dakota Fanning, Elizabeth Reaser, Jackson Rathbone, Justin Chon, Kellan Lutz, Megan Fox, Michael Welch, Peter Facinelli, Rachelle Lefevre, Sarah Clarke, or Taylor Lautner.
-Toothy Tile isn't (huuuge breath) 50 Cent, Aaron Eckhart, Adam Brody, Adrian Grenier, Adrien Brody, All 3 Jonas Brothers, Anderson Cooper, Andy Dick, Ashton Kutcher, Ben Affleck, Ben Mackenzie, Bill Clinton, Brad Pitt, Brandon Davis, Brian Austin Green, Carrot Top, Casey Affleck, Chad Michael Murray, Channing Tatum, Chris Evans, Chris Klein, Chris Pine, Christian Bale, Clay Aiken, Colin Farrell, Dane Cook, Daniel Craig, Danny Bonaduce, David Duchovny, David Hyde Pierce, David Schwimmer, David Spade, Denzel Washington, Derek Jeter, Dick Cheney, Don Cheadle, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Eddie Murphy, Elijah Wood, Emile Hirsch, Eric Balfour, every famous male you can think of except Jake Gyllenhaal, Gael García Bernal, George Clooney, George Eads, Gerard Butler, Haley Joel Osment, Harrison Ford, Harry Hamlin, Hayden Christensen, Heath Ledger, Hillary Clinton, Homer Simpson, Hugh Jackman, Isaiah Washington, James Franco, James Marsden, Jamie Foxx, Jared Leto, Jared Padalecki, Jason Lee, Jason Statham, Jennifer Garner, Jeremy Piven, Jesse Metacalfe, Jim Carrey, Joaquin Phoenix, Joel McHale, John C. Reilly, John Krasinski, John Stamos, John Travolta, Josh Brolin, Josh Duhamel, Josh Hartnett, Josh Lucas, Julian McMahon, Justin Timberlake, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Kenny Chesney, Kiefer Sutherland, Lance Bass, Leonardo DiCaprio, Liev Schrieber, Luke Wilson, Mario Lopez, Mark Ruffalo, Mark Wahlberg, Matt Damon, Matt Dillon, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Broderick, Matthew McConaughey, Matthew Perry, Michael Angarano, Michael Vartan, Mike Myers, Milo Ventimiglia, Neil Patrick Harris, Nikki Reed, Orlando Bloom, Owen Wilson, Peter Facinelli, Queen Latifah, Ricky Martin, Rob Thomas, Robert Buckley, Robert Pattinson, Ronaldo, Ryan Cabrera, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Scott Speedman, Sean Penn, Sean William Scott, Seth Green, Shane West, Shemar Moore, Shia LeBeouf, Spencer Pratt, Steven Weber, T.R. Knight, Taylor Lautner, Ted Danson, Tobey Maguire, Tom Cruise, Tom Welling, Topher Grace, Usher, Val Kilmer, Viggo Mortensen, Vin Diesel, Vince Vaughn, Wentworth Miller, Will Smith, Wilmer Valderama, Zac Efron, Zach Braff, or Zachary Quinto. Grey Goose is not Anderson Cooper, Chris Pine, George Clooney, Jensen Ackles, Mario Lopez, Matt Dillon, Mel Gibson, Peter Sarsgaard, Ryan Gosling, Tom Cruise, or Zachary Quinto.
-Topher Hairy-Tuchus is not Adrien Grenier, Antonio Sabato Jr., Chris Pine, Daniel Radcliffe, Eddie Cibrian, George Clooney, Gerard Butler, Robert Pattinson, Ryan Philippe, Tom Cruise or Will Smith.
-Whore-Hey Hoeman is not A.J. Hammer, Mario Lopez, or Matt Drudge.