So this new CW show, The Vampire Diaries, is all about a vampire who keeps a diary, which is something I'm sure no other vampire in the history of vampires has done, ever. Just kidding -- it seems like most vampires are in love with the sound of their own voice, so the idea that they might write down their innermost thoughts for later perusal makes sense. Also, it's hard to remember stuff that happened a hundred years ago, so it's handy in that sense, too. We asked around, and managed to get sample pages from the diaries of most of the big vampires. (Well, not Dracula, but he was always a long shot.) Read on to see what deep, dark secrets your favorite vamps are writing about.
I'm having second thoughts about this whole "going to high school" thing. Carlisle says it helps us blend in longer, but does it? Really? I mean, if we just lived in the woods, and made sure our fake IDs said we were 18, wouldn't that be better than making sure every kid in town knows us, and getting our pictures taken and published in book form once a year? Also, the homework is starting to get really annoying. I mean, I have to write a paper on Miles Davis, and I can't even mention that we hung out that one time. This bites. Oh, well, guess I'm gonna go break into that new girl's bedroom and watch her sleep.
Bill Compton (True Blood)
Tonight, ah made the acquaintance of a lovely young woman by the name of Sookie St. James, and ah believe that ah am fallin' in luhve with huh. She has an unusual ability, in that when ah tell huh what to do, she does not feel obligated to accede to mah demands. This resistance to mah glamuh intrigues me, and ah am sorely tempted to invite huh back to my ancestral home and ask huh to play a game with me on mah Nintendo Wii. Ah do not know if she would prefuh Wii Golf or Wii Bowling, but ah am equally skilled at both, and that will hopefully tickle huh fancy. Yours truly, Bill.
[Note: This is not an audio transcription -- Bill actually writes the way he talks. - Ed.]
(Note: Wrong Sookie, idiot. Fact check FAIL.)
You may notice that my handwriting is a little funny today, and that is because I have been turned into a puppet. It's a long story, involving demons living in a kids' television program, but the short of it is that I will eventually be fine. The demons are dead, and the spell will wear off. Spike has been the worst about it, calling me "wee puppet man," but on the bright side I have been able to have some nice talks with Nina, a nice werewolf girl I met. Granted, she almost mauled me that one time, but I do resemble a chew toy, so I can't really blame her. And compared to my past relationships -- getting stabbed through the chest by one, getting cheated on with my own son by another -- a little light mauling is practically foreplay.
Eric Northman (True Blood)
So I'm hanging out at Fangtasia tonight, right? Just sittin' on my throne, scopin' out the joint, lookin' bad-ass... you know, a typical Tuesday. And then this dude comes up to me and says, "Hey, do you mind if I lick your boots?" And I'm like, hey, sure, why not, but when he goes to lick them I kicked him right in the face. It was pretty hardcore. I had Pam toss him into the parking lot, and had Long Shadow pour me another glass of True Blood. I think one of the humans on the staff is skimming, so I may have Bill bring his new lady friend over to read some minds. I mean, hey, what's the worst that could happen?
Lestat (Interview With the Vampire)
AAAAAHHHH! I AM ON FIRE! HELP! HELP! VAMPIRE ON FIRE! THIS IS NOT GOOD! THIS IS NOT GOOD! I AM WRITING THIS DOWN IN MY DIARY SO THAT I CAN THROW IT OUT A WINDOW AND PERHAPS SUMMON SOME HELP. HOPEFULLY, THE FINDER WILL FLIP TO THIS LAST ENTRY TO SEE WHAT MY MOST RECENT THOUGHTS ON RESCUE ARE. WHOOPS! THE PAGES ARE STARTING TO CATCH FIRE, AS WELL! WHAT SHALL I DO? WHAT SHALL I--
[Note: the rest of the entry is too blackened by flames to read. - Ed.]
GRRRR! This body suit is driving me insane! It keeps riding up, I squeak when I walk... Really, why even wear it, you know? Well, besides the fact that I look really good in it. Seriously, Diary, if you could see me now? Mm-mmm. Tasty. All of the other vamps were checking me out today, and even some of the werewolves, and keep in mind I was shooting at them at the time. I mean, who checks out the ass of the person who's currently shooting a gun at them? Werewolves, apparently. But I can't blame them, because I look pretty amazing. Whoops, gotta go, Diary -- I just awakened the founder of our clan from his centuries-old slumber, and he's kind of ticked off. Hopefully, he won't be able to stay mad at someone wearing a skin-tight leather outfit.
Aren't you a cutesy-wootsy little thing? I am writing this to let you know that I will not be writing in you ever again. You were a gift from Harmony, and a stupid gift at that, because I in no way want to talk about my feelings with a flipping book. Sod off, diary. I am tossing you in the rubbish bin.
David (The Lost Boys)
The boys and I went out on the boardwalk tonight because we'd heard there was going to be free concert, and we thought it could be cool. But the guy playing turned out to be this really muscular, shirtless dude who played the saxophone. He was a pretty big, too, because he made the saxophone look tiny. What is it with big guys and saxophones? Bruce Springsteen's saxophone player is like seven feet tall. Anyway, the man could play a hot sax, but he needed to put his shirt back on. He was all oiled up... ugh. I grabbed Star and we got out of there, but not before some guy ran up and shared a Meaningful Look with her. With me right there! What the hell? I'm gonna have to track him down tomorrow night and see what's going on with those two. Nobody shares a Meaningful Look with my girlfriend without getting their ass kicked, or possibly getting initiated into my gang.
Broke up another rave today. This one was in a meat-packing warehouse -- they'd rigged the sprinkler system to spray cow's blood. A shame, it looked like a good time. I wish I'd been invited. But no, I have to be the one to break it up, and everyone looks at me like I'm the fun police. Well, maybe if they weren't so prejudiced, this wouldn't happen. You're not gonna invite me to a party because I'm half human? Because I can walk around in the daylight? Forget it, I don't want to go to your party anyway. I wouldn't go if you paid me. You have fun, and maybe I'll turn up later on, kill a few of you with a sword and set somebody on fire. That's obviously how you want this to go.
[Note: This page was stained with teardrops.]
Count von Count (Sesame Street)
One! One entry in my diary! Ah ah ah!
Two! Two entries in my diary! Ah ah ah!
Three! Three entries in my diary! Ah ah ah!
Barnabas Collins (Dark Shadows)
No way. NO WAY. OMG, I have so much to tell you, diary! Okay, so you know how Tim Burton was saying that he was going to make a movie about me? Well, I just got a Tweet that it's happening! For realz! And guess who's playing the part of moi? JOHNNY DEPP! That's right, Edward Scissorhands himself! LOLZ! This is going to be the best movie EVAR! I hope people remember me, and this movie does better than Public Enemies. After all, JD was really excited about that one, too, and it looked soooo boring. I wonder if I'll get to meet him? SWOON! TTYL!
Source: Television Without Pity