silver's good enough for me (stellawuzadiver) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,
silver's good enough for me
stellawuzadiver
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TGI freaking F

One Gory-Hole Blind Vice & One Tongue-Shoving Bonus Blind Vice


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1: Get ready for a gay, anonymous-sex hookup gone wrong—hunky movie-star style! Now, our latest Blind Vice entrant, Topher Hairy-Tuchus, has made an appearance before in the Awful Truth, but only as a supporting player—this totally handsome stud was never christened with his own moniker. Until now, anyway! And since Toph's made it into our sexyass annals, seems like he's dutifully checking off every other last step required for getting (and staying) on the Vice A-list. Lauded movies, check. Hot bod, check. Famous female companions, check. Totally closeted homo, check and then some!

'K, so a doable dude who secretly prefers the company of men is as common in H'wood as a paparazzi fender bender outside the Ivy. But it's where and how THT seeks his men that's quite noteworthy and somewhat unusual, considering how unglamorous it truly is...

Topher could nab any leading lady he wants (and he has), but when it comes to his men moods, THT goes to Craigslist. Maybe you shouldn't go looking for lovers the same place you get cheapo couches and scalped concert tickets, but no one told Toph that. And hey, his Internet dabbling worked, since somebody replied to his ad looking for a good, quickie time. No names needed, just body parts, and meaty ones at that.

Hook, line and sink 'im: Once Topher had lured his catch to the house, he went far out of his way to keep this nooky expedition under wraps—he even set up a sheet with a hole in it where all the action would take place, keeping identities secret on either side. A "glory hole" one would call it, of course, except this particular hole was cut out of fine linen (what a waste!) as opposed to etched into a dingy bathroom stall wall. Guess that makes it so much more romantic, no?

THT was ready for some clandestine action, but when Topher's gentleman showed up, the lured dude didn't want to keep it nearly as anonymous as Hairy-T. The guy refused to partake unless he could see THT's face—to check for sores (and let's be honest, to make sure he would be doing a hot guy). THT refused to budge on this bang request, but the guy swung the sheet back anyway to find one of the most wanted celebs staring back at him!

'Course, they both went through with the unsheeted deed, even after the unveiling of Topher's famous face. What horny man in the world wouldn't? What I want to know is why the ef doesn't THT use nondisclosure forms instead of stupid 300-count sheets? What a moron!

And it ain't: Daniel Radcliffe, Robert Pattinson, Chris Pine


1


2: Another weekend, another hidden Hollywood homo to uncover! This week we're offering up a treat from Team Awful—a fabulous bonus Blind too scandalously dee-lish to keep to ourselves! You didn't think that little mister Jackie Bouffant was the only young performer who liked to get all gay every once in a while, did you?

You're probably all very familiar with Maxwell Meat-Mingle. He's youngish, a little squishy but still reasonably good-looking. The guy was once a major up-and-comer in this crazy town. Even if you weren't a fan of his boob-tube hit, chances are your eyes and his abs have met at one time or another. And what's more—this isn't M3's first time to the Awful Truth rodeo.

Nowadays, though, he's something of a has-been—poor Triple-M has fallen off the charts due to a string of bad press for his bombed entertainment endeavors and tales of his less-than-stellar personality (which we've experienced firsthand, natch). Nevertheless, Max definitely started out as something of a ladies' man before he lost his boy-next-door charm and smoldering sex appeal, which is why we were almost surprised when...

Max went prowling for some guy-on-guy action. Please, where did you think this sucker was going, you little B.V. sleuths?

At a recent poolside BBQ in the hills, relatively hunky Max had his tongue halfway down the throat of another meaty little piece—right in the middle of the entire shindig! And there were some par-tick people in attendance whom bi-guy Max definitely should have looked out for! It was one of those little piggies who ran all the way home and told us about it. There goes Triple-M's die-hard status as a womanizer!

Makes sense really, 'cause we knew that Mingle had had his fair share of drug dabbling (many closeted actors do, just ask Toothy Tile). Think white nose candy literally being passed around on silver platters whenever Max was in attendance...although those days have supposedly passed. Is that why Maxwell Meat-Mingle is getting all fat? Better work on that figure, boy, if you have any chance at this planned comeback. Because secretly loving dudes and a lost six-pack surely won't give Maxwell Meat-Mingle the comeback he's dying for.

And It Ain't: Adam Brody, Jesse McCartney, Mario Lopez

2


Dear Awful Truth:
Do you know if Judas Jack-Off and Dashed Dingle-Dream's beards know what's going on between the two bromancers? And which one is hotter in your opinion: Jackles or Judas and D3?
—Eu

Dear Hot and Bothered:
Doesn't every bearded lady have at least an inkling of knowledge of what's really going on with her partner? Some just choose to ignore it. And those two duos exude just about the same degree of heat!
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
Please don't take offense to this, but are any of the BVs made up or fiction or are they 100 percent true? Just asking, and do you think any of the gay blind items will ever come out? It must be a huge task keeping secrets for so long in the public eye. P.S.: More gay BVs, please; the straight ones are boring, there isn't much intrigue there.
—Ontoplolly

Dear Gay Quota:
We couldn't make up some of this crap even if we tried. What's the point in writing fiction, anyway, when there are so many true tales in H'wood's underbelly? And methinks most of our closeted BVs will never come out on their own terms—which isn't to say some lucky paparazzi won't get the money shot and spill it for them someday.
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
Love your column, been reading you for years... always a lurker, never a poster, but I think I've figured out a blind vice. Fruzzy Tuna Stench is Russell Brand. Come on, gotta be him, right?
—Soluri

Dear What's That Smell:
Fruzzy is American, sweetie.
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
I love your Twilight Blind Vices. They are very amusing. Is Terry Tush-Trade Catherine Hardwicke?
—Another Twilight Fan

Dear Director Doings:
I love you thinking outside the box and picking a non-actor! But wrong guess all the same, sorry.
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
I think I get what is the big deal with the love triangle Sophia Bush/Austin Nichols/Robert Buckley. It is not Sophia/Austin vs Sophia/Robert, but Sophin vs. Robsten. Is Austin Nichols Nevis Divine?
—Bobby

Dear Divine Intervention:
Austin's not Nevis—he wishes he were as popular in the mainstream as ND! Must be what he's hoping for by clinging onto his costars for some press.
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
Do you think Toothy Tile has an interest in all of the current One Tree Hill gossip?
—Drs

Dear Tree Hugger:
Who doesn't nowadays? Didn't you see one of our last Hill-obsessed Bitch-Back's?
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
Give us another hint about Princess Powder-Puff. Does she have a current single on the charts?
—Pumpkin

Dear Royalty Wondering:
Yes. Does that narrow it down one bit? Probably not.
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
I love Ted. It's too bad he doesn't swing my way. So effing sexy! Love the bloopers from today. Also, love your animal love and support. I have a zoo myself at my house. I do actually have a question. Has Ashton Kutcher ever been a Blind Vice?
—Bubbleyumsteph

Dear Aplusk Asking:
Yes, indeed, he has. Can ya believe Ash stays off Twitter long enough to actually do something worth dishing about?
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
Has Terry Tush-Trade ever worked with Luke Grimes?
—Imqaatdbru

Dear Grime Time:
If that's a veiled attempt at guessing that Michael Welch is T3, then you, sir, should be coyer next time. And nope, it's not Mikey. (Haven't we already told you that?)
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
Hey! Jackie Bouffant has to be either Chris Pine or Zachary Quinto! Both of them are hot right now, both have beards on their faces and both have had figurative beards. So which one is he?
—Andrew

Dear Toothy Trek:
At least one of those guesses is wrong, wrong, wrong. Oh, but they feel so right!
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
I have a suggestion to properly name the Austin Nichols/Robert Buckley bromance. Robstin gets too confused with Robsten, so how about renaming them Robin? If we are going to hear a lot about this hot pair, then we'll have to have them properly identified. Is Sophia Bush Shafterella Shoshstein?
—Celine

Dear Done With One:
To be honest, I don't anticipate us ever talking about Austin/Rob again beyond a Bitch-Back or two—fellas just don't have much of a gossip-worthy shelf life, methinks. And no, Soph isn't nearly on the same level of stardom as S2, but she is just as sweet looking.
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
After watching Judas Jack-Off and Dashed Dingle-Dream's recent performance, I believe they are no longer nooky active and are maybe not even on good terms. Am I the only one seeing this?
—Kate M

Dear Gay Guess:
That obviously depends if you were watching the right performance in the first place, doesn't it? You seem awfully confident. Awfully.
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
If one was lucky enough to work with you, would they be privy to all the Blind Vice info, or is it just your inner circle? Either way, love it all babe!
—Ready to Sign Your NDA

Dear Blind With Benefits:
Blind Vices are on a strictly need-to-know basis. I'll tell you from firsthand experience: You don't want to know the things I had to do just to find out who Toothy Tile was...
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
Something was wrong with J2 this Sunday at the Supernatural convention in Vancouver. Jared and Jensen sat far apart until the moderator told them to sit closer. The oh-so-private Jensen talked awkwardly about his girlfriend and said that they have great chemistry. And Jared called J2 fans "strange people with bizarre fantasies." What happened? Are they freaking out because the Awful Truth mentioned them a few times lately?
—Strange Girl

Dear Whaaat?
Our simple little blog? Nah. What could we possibly do?
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
Is Jackie Bouffant Bradley Cooper?
—Labellarosa

Dear Nope:
Think less Jen Aniston-y.
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
You answered "and how" when asked if Sarah Michelle Gellar has ever been the subject of a B.V. Can you please clarify that answer? Is that a yes or a no?
—Me

Dear SMG B.V.:
Affirmative.
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
Is Toothy Tile George Clooney, and is Gray Goose Anderson Cooper?
—D

Dear Nope!
Think far less salt-and-pepper for both.
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
So, tell me, Jackie Bouffant—is he from the U.S., Britain, Ireland, Canada, Australia or other?
—Alicia, NYC

Dear Give You a Clue:
I'll rule out "other." That cuts down, oh, I don't know, 99 percent of the world. You're welcome.
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
I got it. Nevis Divine is Rodrigo Santoro. It's cool, I won't tell.
—StellsBells

Dear Lost in Nevis:
Well, it's a good thing you won't tell, because you're wrong. [Ed: Goddammit...]
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
I am a newcomer and love the Bitch-Backs and the Blind Vices, so I was just wondering if there is some type of archive where I could read the B.V.s from day one along with all of the clues from the B.B.s, and the ones you have already revealed. Please answer my question—I would really love to read all of them!
—Carolina Girl

Dear Coming Attraction:
That's my personal pet project, and with luck, it will be up within the next few weeks! Don't worry, friend and—more importantly—do not let your faith in the youngest Team Awful member waver!
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
Is Terry Tush-Trade Christian Serratos?
—Gwen

Dear Kinky Christian:
Nope. Although I totally got that vibe from her.
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
Why is there a "need to know" in regard to a celeb's sexual preference? Should we really care? I think not.
—Dnnro

Dear Confusion:
If you're referring to a previous Bitch-Back answer, you're off. It's not "need to know" regarding a sexual preference; it's "need to know" regarding Blind Vice identities. Big ol' legal-eagle difference there, doc.
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
I would just like to say that Team Awful is doing a fabulous job in Ted's absence. We the readers would pledge our allegiance to Team Awful over Ted if you were to reveal a couple of Blind Vices (Oh, say: Toothy and Nevis). Disclaimer: Of course, when Ted gets back we'll deny any such allegiance. You understand, of course.
—Cutlet Canada

Dear Nice Try:
Well, since this is my last week on the job, maybe on quitting day I'll go out in a blaze of glory and reveal every Vice you ever wanted to know about anyone, ever. Or maybe I won't. Bam.
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
We all know you don't use multiple B.V. nicknames for one celeb. But once a B.V. has been revealed, would you give the "offending" star a new name? Have you ever?
—Looking for Clues

Dear Vindicated Vice:
Yep, it's happened in the past.
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
Terry Tush-Trade...Megan Fox? She is bisexual.
—x

Dear Bi Blind:
One of the only Twilight-centric Blind Vices and you blaspheme its name with mention of Megan?! Twi-hards, attack!
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
Does Ted ever, ever reveal the B.V.s? I seem to recall one with David Duchovny, but that was so long ago? Just wondering, haven't seen a reveal in a very long time.
—Blakjaq

Dear Revelation:
You bet your ass he does. It just depends on the Vice, the timing, and how much trouble he'll get in if he does.
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
Is Princess Powder-Puff married? Also, In your opinion, what comes first: offscreen attraction leading to onscreen chemistry, or onscreen chemistry leading to offscreen attraction? It seems like there are a lot of stars that end up with their costars, so I was curious. It seems like with Robsten, there was a little of both.
—Elizabeth

Dear Two-Pronged Truth:
1. Remember, she's a princess, not a queen. 2. It's a little of both for a lot of reasons. Think about my favorite example, Brangelina in Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Now which was the culprit in that oh-so-famous case?
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
Is Toothy Tile Michael Angarano?
—Interested

Dear Sky High Homo:
Not a chance. Think not only older but less prepubescent.
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
Please tell me Maxwell Meat-Mingle is not Nick Lachey. I love him. He sings beautifully.
—Emma

Dear Oh Hell No:
As The Soup might say, "Stay out of it, Nick Lachey."
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
Is M3 Josh Hartnett?
—Catz

Dear Hard for Hartnett:
He certainly has enough time on his hands to be a Blind Vice, but Maxy Meat-Mingle ain't him. Think even more has-been—I know it's hard, considering Josh has been AWOL for a while, but try!
-------
Dear Awful Truth:
If it's the E! legal department that keeps you from revealing Blind Vice subjects, doesn't that mean people are wasting their time guessing? Wouldn't that defeat the purpose of the Blind Vice to begin with? I mean, if someone does guess right, how can we be sure it will be posted in say, the Bitch-Back section of your site? Just curious.
—Katie

Dear Bitching Back:
Ever heard of process of elimination? And sometimes we do throw ya an answer, doll! Just gonna have to keep checking.
-----
Dear Awful Truth:
Why are you guys so obsessed with dragging homosexuals out of the closet by their hangers?
—Karin

Dear Wrong Blogger:
Notice how we keep the closeted in our anonymous Blind Vice section, as opposed to explicitly outing them in the blolumn? We do have a modicum of respect, sheesh. The only dudes we really wish would come clean and be themselves (i.e., gay) are the ones who prance around H'wood like they're straight as a yardstick. Being discreet is one thing, but blatantly lying is another.




Scorecard:

-Fruzzy Tuna Stench is not Bradley Cooper, David Duchovny, George Clooney, John Mayer, Kellan Lutz, Russell Brand or Stephen Moyer.

-Jackie Bouffant is not Bradley Cooper, Channing Tatum, Kellan Lutz, Nick Jonas


-Judas Jack-Off is not Benjamin McKenzie, Bradley Cooper, Brandon Routh, Chris Evans, Chris Pine, Ed Westwick, Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas, Joshua Jackson, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Milo Ventimiglia, Orlando Bloom, Robert Pattinson, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Seacrest, Taylor Kistch or Zac Efron. Dashed Dingle Dream is not J.C. Chasez or Joshua Jackson.

-Maxwell Meat-Mingle is not Adam Brody, Jesse McCartney, Josh Hartnett, Mario Lopez or Nick Lachey (maybe).

-Nevis Divine is not Alexander Skarsgård, Alex O'Loughlin, Austin Nichols, Bradley Cooper, Chace Crawford, Channing Tatum, Colin Farrell, Corbin Bleu, Daniel Radcliffe, David Boreanaz, Diego Luna, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Ed Westwick, Edward Norton, Emile Hirsch, Eric Bana, George Clooney, Gerard Butler, Hayden Christensen, Hugh Grant, Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, James Franco, James McAvoy, Jim Sturgess, John Mayer, Johnathan Rhys Meyers, Joshua Jackson, Justin Bartha, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Kevin Connolly, Matt Dallas, Michael Cera, Mike Myers, Olivier Martinez, Orlando Bloom, Penn Badgley, Robert Buckley, Rodrigo Santoro, Ryan Kwanten, Ryan Reynolds, Sebastian Stan, Shia LaBeouf, Simon Baker, Stephen Moyer, Viggo Mortensen, Will Smith, or Zac Efron.

-Princess Powder-Puff is not Christina Aguilera, Nadine Coyle or Nicole Scherzinger.

-Shafterella Shoshstein is not Alanis Morissette, Anne Hathaway, Britney Spears, Demi Moore, Halle Berry, Hilary Swank, Jenifer Aniston, Jennifer Garner, Jessica Simpson, Mary-Louise Parker, Oprah Winfrey, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Shoshanna Lonstein, Sophia Bush, Uma Thurman, Venus Williams, or Whitney Houston.

-Terry Tush-Trade is not Ashley Greene, Billy Burke, Catherine Hardwick, Chris Weitz, Christian Serratos, Dakota Fanning, Elizabeth Reaser, Jackson Rathbone, Justin Chon, Kellan Lutz, Megan Fox, Michael Welch, Peter Facinelli, Rachelle Lefevre, Sarah Clarke, or Taylor Lautner.

-Toothy Tile isn't
(huuuge breath) 50 Cent, Aaron Eckhart, Adam Brody, Adrian Grenier, All 3 Jonas Brothers, Anderson Cooper, Andy Dick, Ashton Kutcher, Ben Affleck, Ben Mackenzie, Bill Clinton, Brad Pitt, Brandon Davis, Brian Austin Green, Carrot Top, Casey Affleck, Chad Michael Murray, Channing Tatum, Chris Evans, Chris Klein, Chris Pine, Christian Bale, Clay Aiken, Colin Farrell, Dane Cook, Daniel Craig, Danny Bonaduce, David Duchovny, David Hyde Pierce, David Schwimmer, David Spade, Denzel Washington, Derek Jeter, Dick Cheney, Don Cheadle, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Eddie Murphy, Elijah Wood, Emile Hirsch, Eric Balfour, every famous male you can think of except Jake Gyllenhaal, Gael García Bernal, George Clooney, George Eads, Gerard Butler, Haley Joel Osment, Harrison Ford, Harry Hamlin, Hayden Christensen, Heath Ledger, Hillary Clinton, Homer Simpson, Hugh Jackman, Isaiah Washington, James Franco, James Marsden, Jamie Foxx, Jared Leto, Jared Padalecki, Jason Lee, Jason Statham, Jennifer Garner, Jeremy Piven, Jesse Metacalfe, Jim Carrey, Joaquin Phoenix, Joel McHale, John C. Reilly, John Krasinski, John Stamos, John Travolta, Josh Brolin, Josh Duhamel, Josh Hartnett, Josh Lucas, Julian McMahon, Justin Timberlake, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Kenny Chesney, Kiefer Sutherland, Lance Bass, Leonardo DiCaprio, Liev Schrieber, Luke Wilson, Mario Lopez, Mark Ruffalo, Mark Wahlberg, Matt Damon, Matt Dillon, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Broderick, Matthew McConaughey, Matthew Perry, Michael Angarano, Michael Vartan, Mike Myers, Milo Ventimiglia, Neil Patrick Harris, Nikki Reed, Orlando Bloom, Owen Wilson, Peter Facinelli, Queen Latifah, Ricky Martin, Rob Thomas, Robert Buckley, Robert Pattinson, Ronaldo, Ryan Cabrera, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Scott Speedman, Sean William Scott, Seth Green, Shane West, Shemar Moore, Shia LeBeouf, Spencer Pratt, Steven Weber, T.R. Knight, Taylor Lautner, Ted Danson, Tobey Maguire, Tom Cruise, Tom Welling, Topher Grace, Usher, Val Kilmer, Viggo Mortensen, Vin Diesel, Vince Vaughn, Wentworth Miller, Will Smith, Wilmer Valderama, Zac Efron, Zach Braff, or Zachary Quinto. Grey Goose is not Anderson Cooper, Chris Pine, George Clooney, Jensen Ackles, Mario Lopez, Matt Dillon, Mel Gibson, Peter Sarsgaard, Tom Cruise, or Zachary Quinto


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