baha22 (baha22) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,


The Duchovny-Leoni-Thornton Love Triangle, Or The End of the Internet



There's a movement afoot with a pretty simple premise: people should try getting off the Internet because it's making them crazy. We hadn't given too much thought to the idea—not least because its successful implementation would leave us without a job—until we checked our inbox this morning and found the following e-mail. As with most we get, it's nominally about frivolous celebrities—this time it was Billy Bob Thornton and Tea Leoni and David Duchovny—though the names aren't really important. What's important is where it led us after: down a bottomless rabbit hole that neatly encapsulates everything that is wrong and unholy and soul-crushing about the Web, yes, but also the times we live in. Take a (long) trip to the dark side, after the jump.Here's the tipster's e-mail that started it all:
"So last night my friend Paige dragged me to see Billy Bob Thornton and his band "The Boxmasters" play at Highline Ballroom because Bad Santa is her favorite movie of all time. The show turned out to be pretty fun and about midway through the second act we noticed a blond woman singing and dancing up a storm on the floor. She was really ripping it up and even seemed to know the words to all the songs. Then we saw her jump behind the control board where she started playing around with stuff back there and making hand signals in the direction of the stage. The guy running the board never tried to stop her or anything. Paige and I were sort of laughing about it until she got a closer look at the dancing woman when she returned from getting drinks at the bar. She was like, "Holy shit, that's Tea Leoni!"

 At that point we really didn't know what the hell to make of it. After the show we went over to Pop Burger for a bite and while we were there Paige decided that she wanted to walk back over Highline to try to get a picture with Billy Bob. That's where this really gets weird. When we got to the front of the venue we noticed that the roadies, most of them kind of strong-looking men, were loading a truck with equipment. Then we heard a female sounding voice coming from inside of the truck yelling to someone outside of the truck. Then we saw the face that belonged to the voice and whatdoyaknow, IT WAS TEA LEONI. She was loading the truck with the roadies! Last I checked she was married to David Duchovny so why the hell is she loading Billy Bob Thorton's truck?"

 Tea Leoni is indeed currently married to David Duchovny. With kids! Their marriage is, by all accounts, a happy one. Because of this, and because Tea recently finished shooting a movie with Thornton, we naively assumed that she was simply out supporting her co-star.

But then, perhaps foolishly, we decided to do a little Googling. It was at this point that we stumbled upon the official "David Duchonvy & Tea Leoni Blog" (seriously). The Official David Duchovny & Tea Leoni Blog offers up exactly what the title suggests: unfiltered minutiae about the lives of David and Tea. There is no tidbit too obscure for the site's purview! If either David or Tea stub their toe while getting the morning paper, you will almost certainly be able to read about it on The Official Duchonvy & Tea Leoni Blog.


The post we came across, from earlier this month, alerted us to the fact that speculation about the Thornton-Leoni romance (Thorni?) long ago reached a fever pitch. (Three weeks is like a decade in Internet years!) Leoni, it seems, attended a different Billy Bob concert in Austin in July, and the blog posted pictures a few days later. The site's commenters—almost all using the handle "Anonymous"—did not take well to this exercising of free will (Sic whenever relevant):

 It started innocently enough, if not a little snippy: "Wow she could go to that but not her husband's movie premiere. That's love."

A supporter concurs: "I bet if it was HER movie, he would be there..."

It's all downhill from there:

• A Leoni apologist is quick to contradict the claim: "DD didn't attend the Dec. 9, 2004, "Spanglish" premiere because he was filming "Trust the Man" in New York City.... Tea attended the "You Kill Me" premiere with Garry Shandling on June 11, 2007. DD wasn't there because he was filming the first season episodes of Californication."

• The first stunning allegation: "I wouldnt be suprised if he did cheat on her since she leaves him alone alot of the time."

• A voice of reason enters the fray: "wow. some fans there. unbelievable, what mean comments are flying around here. david and tea really need no 'enemies' with 'fans' like you guys. really sad. i think some of you are snoggers who desperately wish there are problems. no matter what they do or say, you will always find a way to make it look bad."

• The conspiracy theorist follows: "Theyve probably split already and trying to keep it low for the kids sake. There were rumors that he cheated with his tennis instructor."

• Someone else offers proof! "In the recent interviews whenever they asked about her he went all weird avoiding eye contact and being lost for words when usually his conversation is flowing."

• An amateur psychologist gives his/her two cents: "I really think David loves his wife, I just don't think she loves him anymore. I think he wants to work things out..."

...which is contradicted by a shadowy Canadian insider: "Word in Toronto circles among the crew and extras is that DD cheats on Tea regularly. Tennis instructor isn't the first. Word at La Costa is that Tea found out about his affair with his tennis partner. It was common knowledge at LC, as they were there together ALL the time, Tea rarely if ever frequented the club (he used it just for T), and he wasn't exactly discreet. He was there nearly daily and now hasn't been in a while."

• But maybe Leoni is to blame! "I just don't understand Tea's actions. I would want to support my man. The craziness of premieres can't be easy. Probably just nice to have someone there with you."

• But maybe not! "Tea's mom's family is from Texas. My guess about her attending this concert is that she and the kids were visiting relatives in the area at the time and she figured it'd be nice to show her co-star a bit of support while she was in town."

• The confused bystander: "I don't know what to believe."

• The bombshell: "Tea Lioni and Billy Bob Thorton are secretly dating. She is traveling with him while he is on tour with his band. She wears a wig some times. They are making a movie together so i'm sure that will be used as some type of cover-up."

• The frustrated Duchovny-Leoni loyalist: "I swear, some people are total morons. So because Téa goes to a concert instead of DD's premiere they're have problems? Geez, if every time my brother and his wife don't go somewhere together would mean they have problem, they had problems all the time. It's not up to you guys to decide why or why not they do what they do. DD was probably out for days, Téa just one night. She PROBABLY took care of the kids for the rest of the time. You all should be ashamed of yourself, go buy a barbie or something, you seem to be that age."

• Hey, cool it with the names, says JaYNiQuE! "Calling someone a MORON just because they have a difference of opinion IS NOT cool! You are speculating just like EVERYONE else! No one but David & and Tea know if they are separated or not. And IF they are separated, who cares? People DO get separated. This is Hollywood! Whether is David thats cheating or Tea, whether they are both faithful, it doesn't matter! No one, including YOU Linda, should not be speculating on anything! Everyone is just stating their opinions. This is afterall a free country, they can do anything they please! Gosh, You sound more like a MORON than Anon!"

• Amy, who knows about these things because she is married, just like DD and Leoni, counters: "I've been with my husband longer than they have been together AND I'm their age and I still think it's odd that Tea didn't go to any of the premieres. She doesn't have to go to everything (she obviously doesn't) but this one was a big deal."

• The final shot: Since when voicing one's opinion is called spreading rumors? NO ONE BUT DAVID AND TEA KNOWS THE TRUTH! SO fussing over what's going on is pointless!

• Us: lak;sdjf;aksdjfasdklfadslfasdfsdalkas;djf.


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