When I think anal, I think Gwyneth Paltrow. And no, I don't mean anal as in she seems like she would throw away an otherwise perfectly good white truffle because it wasn't filleted properly. I mean anal as in sex. As in, the thing that people who don't spend their entire day on ONTD have. As in, what happens when a mommy and daddy love each other very, very much, but daddy just craves male energy on occasion. As in, the Republican-approved contraceptive alternative to abstinence. As in, sticking your d in a b. You get it. And now that she's moved on from Chris Coldplay, apparently so does Gwynnie! Which is why she dedicated this month's goop e-newsletter to the very subject. So get your lube and your b-hole bleach ready cuz we are about to learn all about how Gwyneth Paltrow gets fucked in the ass!
Now, included in this month's enewsletter, is an admittedly interesting Q&A with research psychoanalyst and author Paul Joannides, Psy.D., which you can read here
. But let's be real, who the fuck cares about what Gwyneth is saying? We wanna know what she's selling! After all, how are middle-aged women to experience their final perimenopausal climax to the tune of Zayn and an expired jar of light mayonnaise crowing over Dakota Not Fanning getting flogged without the proper anal accouterments?
Now, while Gwyneth claims to not care about the haters, there is a now a proverbial dollar tree menagerie of discount items available via the goop store. But I don't care about her attempt to placate the huddled masses, not in Trump's America! Today, we are only going to review the platinum-plated nipple clamps and the pure ivory dildos. So strap in and strap on cuz it's about to get hella vanilla up in our hella flat asses.( Collapse )SOURCE