Here's hoping Artie Lange does as great a job in his role as recovering patient as he did playing sidekick to Howard Stern.
The King of All Media's court jester has been released from Jersey City Medical Center after undergoing surgery in the wake of a suicide attempt, the details of which have finally been confirmed by police.
"Mr. Lange was found by his mother at 9:36 a.m. on Saturday," Hoboken Police Det. Lt. Mark Dompetello told E! News. "She called 911 when she found him in a pool of blood. He was semiconscious [and] then became unconscious.
"Our medics came. Apparently he had nine self-inflicted knife wounds, and it was ruled to be an apparent attempted suicide. There's no active criminal investigation."
Lange's family has yet to remark on the funnyman's condition, standing by their comment earlier this week that the traumatic incident was "a family matter."
But Lange's other family hasn't kept as quiet on their feelings—mostly anger—on the situation.
While Stern acknowledged on yesterday morning's Sirius XM radio show that he had not spoken to Lange since the weekend attempt—which police said the 42-year-old carried out with a 13-inch kitchen knife—cohost Robin Quivers had.
"He's doing well, physically," she said.
But while the team offered nothing but support and well-wishes to their troubled colleague, they had a different set of feelings for the person and paper responsible for first leaking the morbid details.
"I'm so upset about the story," Stern said. "I was actually hoping it wouldn't come out. I thought we were out of the woods with that...I really would love to know who the scumbag is who releases that information to the press. You know, who sneakily finds something out and tells the press, 'cause this really is a private matter and something that has gotten me so distressed, so upset and so bewildered, I don't even know what to think.
"I'm angry about it, I'm sad about it, I'm just all over the place emotionally about this whole thing.
"I'm pissed off that this story got out there. I'm pissed off at the s--thead who maybe got paid 10 bucks to tip off Page Six. And honestly. I don't know what to say about this story. It's such a mind-boggling thing that's gone down, I don't even wanna in any kind of way say the wrong thing, or—I think the word is— exacerbate the situation."
Stern, who refused to read the then-unconfirmed self-stabbing report on air, said he has "always tried to maintain my loyalty to Artie," and now would be no exception, even if he was at a loss at to how, exactly, to do that.
"I don't know what to do in this situation. There's nothing to do. Artie's demons ran deeper than I ever knew.
"I certainly wish Artie well," he continued. "I'm just freaked out. The whole thing's a mess."
Though a mess with a better than expected ending.
"It's a miracle he's alive," Stern said. "It is, it's a miracle."
I'm so glad he's doing better!!