"The Super Bowl stinks. You probably clicked on this article because you vehemently disagree with me. You wanted to read what bizarre reasons I had to say something so crazy. Well, I know the real reason you clicked on this column. It is because you agree with me.
Let's face it, you can agree with me on this one for one simple reason. The Super Bowl stinks because your team isn't in it. Neither is mine. Neither is your neighbor's ...
The only time the Super Bowl is great is when your team goes to it and wins.
Year after year we all hope against hope that the precious little franchise that we follow will make the leap to the next level and bring home the Lombardi Trophy.
This column obviously excludes Patriots fans. You will all be vomiting on the streets of Dorchester in celebration Sunday night. The trophy is yours and you know it. We all know it and that is why we non-Pats fans hate you. The city of Boston is the new "Title Town." The Pats are going for their fourth trophy in seven years. The Celtics are the class of the NBA this season. The Red Sox have won two World Series in one century — I guess that's what happens when you buy your team.
So Boston sports fans, this column isn't really for you. You think the Super Bowl is great because you are always in it. Giants fans are no strangers to the big game, but let's face it: The last time they were there they got beat like a narc at a biker rally.
The Super Bowl is a lot like a supermodel at a party. Everyone knows she isn't going to sleep with the Chiefs. Nope, she pretty much has her eyes glued to Tom Brady these days (in his case, literally). The Super Bowl stinks because in the next decade it will not involve the Eagles, Dolphins, 49ers, Seahawks, Bears, Rams or Falcons. And certainly not the Jets.
As good as your team is or has been, they are a 30-1 shot to make it to the big dance next year (I am penciling in the Pats for next year if that is OK), and 30-1 amounts to lousy odds.
If you don't think the Super Bowl stinks then go ask some fans of the Lions, Cardinals, Texans, Saints and Jaguars. Those teams have never been to the Super Bowl. Not even once, not even due to a clerical error. They have only heard stories about it ... like it's Paul Bunyan, or the '60s. At least those teams have been able to host a Super Bowl. The Cleveland Browns have not only never been within a Bernie Kosar throw of the Super Bowl, they have never been able to host one either.
That hurts. Each year the NFL tells the Browns and their fans, "Not only can you not come to the party, if you throw your own party, we won't show up." I think the Browns should have a game the day after the Super Bowl and call it "The Game After The Big Game." They could host it each year and invite whomever they want. They could give out a little trophy and steal a little of the spotlight from that year's Super Bowl winner.
Trust me, the Browns' availability will not be a problem. Neither will the Cardinals', ever. In fact, just have, "The Game After The Big Game" every year between the Browns and the Cardinals and call it the NIT.
The Super Bowl stinks because it's rare, like a choice rib-eye or ahi tuna. Yes, other than Patriots fans, most people wait a loooooong time to see their squad go. The only thing worse than watching your rival win the Super Bowl is watching your team get there and lose.
There's a new mascot for every Super Bowl, but not necessarily new teams. Jay Mohr says the Patriots are always in the big game but the Browns never get there.
Oh, lord, the misery. You came sooo close and failed. You remember just a few years ago the Carolina Panthers were battling it out for the title? The Panthers! They were there and failed and now they look like little kitty cats. The Rams, Eagles, and Raiders have all made appearances within the last eight years, and by the looks of things it might be 80 years before any of them get back.
The Super Bowl stinks because so few of us ever get to go. Corporations hoard all the tickets so that by the time the average fan gets to get to the game, his $500 seats are so high he feels like he is watching the game from an airplane.
The Super Bowl stinks because the halftime show always highlights someone who personifies everything that football isn't — melodic and graceful. Football is violent. Is it too much to ask that the music match the visuals? Prince, Justin Timberlake and Tom Petty are all talented artists, but in a game that can end with ruptured spleens, torn ligaments and concussions, I would like to hear an appropriate tune. Maybe some Pantera? How about some Maiden? What could be a better setting for an NWA reunion? Minus Eazy, of course.
There are many, many reasons why the Super Bowl is the pits. For me the biggest reason it stinks is that I'm not going.
For all of you lucky creeps out there with tickets ...
Best of Lucky,
This was written on January 31st, just an FYI. But he makes some good points..it's funny...