Written by Michelle Collins
(Note: This post will be much more enjoyable if read while wearing your favorite 1989 Meshach Taylor/Summer School sunglasses.)
The Mayercraft Carrier so far is going swimmingly… not literally, of course, as in that case we would be sinking. On Saturday, the boat docked in the Bahamas, and the BWE crew took a break from the slowest internet connection on the planet to head over to a pretty spectacular beach in order to work on our sunglasses tan. On the way over to the beach, we shared a van with two soccer-mommish ladies from Lincoln, Nebraska, who were in better moods than we had ever been in our entire lives. The conversation began innocently enough — talk of locations, cruise food, etc. — but quickly devolved into the most base of exchanges: What Does John Mayer’s Ass Probably Look Like? The gals from Nebraska quickly intimated that his ass is probably kind of flat, while I personally took the high road, instead discussing what Jon Bon Jovi’s ass probably looks like (two baby apples in a pleather sack, for the record.) Nebraska Mom #1 settled the argument by saying “Who cares what his ass looks like? It’s what those lips can do that I care about!” and then shrieked with laughter for the remainder of the trip, while the rest of the van learned the definition of “collective shudder.”
4 hours of beach time tucked firmly under our sunburns — and 15 minutes of myself and Brian Faas realizing that “Ocean Trampoline” is actually code for “Quick and Bloodless Death” — we realized we had to get back to the ship in order to prepare for our most anticipated event of the weekend… THE 80s PROM!
source: best week ever
When I first learned that there was to be an 80s Prom on board the Mayercraft, I immediately broke down sobbing, got into a fight with my best friend, ate 300 hors dourves off the nearest table, and promptly lost my virginity to the captain of the lacrosse team… THAT is how excited I was! And folks, the people on board did NOT let me down — folks broke out their most convincing, mind-boggling puff-sleeved dresses and tuxedos in order to remember just how unflattering that decade was. Check out this group of people eating dinner next to us:
It was the Bat Mitzvah I never had, but always dreamed of!
The festivities were to commence later that night in the cruiseship’s nightclub. But before the party, the Best Week Ever crew stopped by to see a familiar face work his undeniable charms on hordes of eager young ladies… that gentleman of course being…
Sherrod Small! Yes, BWE’s dear Sherrod killed in front of a standing-room crowd of at least 300 people who laughed at all of his various slurs, whether it be about Asians, Blacks, Whites or Asians. Sherrod was on fire and our laughs were the gasoline that fueled his flames and, apparently, my extended metaphors. But the comedy didn’t end there folks! That’s because, following Sherrod’s killer performance, and directly after roughly 294 people exited the theater, it was time for something called Joke-E-Oke! Like karaoke, only you tell jokes, and then bomb without any music behind you. So clearly, we had to stick around for it!
It ended up being a blast — Brian Faas hit the stage doing Roseanne Barr jokes (including some riffs about DJ trying on a training bra), and I went with my old favorite, Chris Rock. And here’s the funny thing about Joke-E-Oke!: It seems like the more alcohol you have… the funnier you’ll be. I say this because I had no less than 6 apple martinis before getting on stage, and ended up killing with the 8 drunk people in the crowd brave enough to stick around.
Me and the Joke-E-Oke! host, who is also very likely the heir to the Party City! fortune.
Lo and behold, I made it to the finals, where I went up against an amazing girl named Star, who had killed with her Monique performance.
Star and I, being ladies, refused to berate each other with “Yo Momma” jokes, as we both very much love our mothers. We opted instead to tell some less popular “Yo Uncle” jokes… which slayed!
Following the Joke-E-Oke! antics, the Best Week Ever crew headed over to the “Big Event”, i.e. 80’s Prom.
And the outfits… oh, the outfits…
We found the long lost twin brothers of William Zabka…
We took unflattering photos of people without them knowing…
Oh, and here’s something weird… WE FOUND JOHN MAYER!
We’re not sure what the guy leaning on Sherrod is offering Mr. Mayer, but whatever it is, it seems like fun!
Yes, John Mayer made a surprise appearance at The 80’s Prom, causing a near riot in the cramped, dark space. John happily obliged to pose in photos with his fans, and seemed in good spirits regarding the whole Gang Riot happening before his very eyes…
Mayer gives the masses a taste of their own well-meaning yet still invasive medicine.
Brian Faas and I tried to silently get his attention by making our best “bedroom eyes” in his general direction…
But John paid us no mind.
But through all this mass hysteria, through all the throttling intensity of seeing a MAJOR CELEBRITY in a Carnival Cruise nightclub, there was one guy who just couldn’t be bothered with all the trying to get close to John Mayer. That man being…
The Bongos Guy. Man, was he having a time or what
Check back later today for more updates from The Mayercraft Carrier!
Source: Best Week Ever
Last night, we were given bracelets that claimed to be tickets to see John Mayer performing live on our cruise, The Mayercraft Carrier. As instructed, at 10 PM, we showed up at the ship’s main performance area, where ladies from all walks of life put on their best dresses in a fruitless effort to catch John Mayer’s attention. And indeed, a few minutes later, the lights dimmed, the crowd cheered, and a tall lanky man with a curly mop and a guitar graced the stage. Now, we’re pretty sure this man was John Mayer, but according to the photos we took… we’re not really sure:
As God is our witness, we promise to bring you unblurry, crisp, quirky yet charming pictures of John Mayer before this weekend is over. We just wanted to give you these pictures to prove that he is, in fact, on this here boat.
As Best Week Ever is one of the sponsors of The Mayercraft Carrier, many of the events on board have had the catchy theme of naming something the Best Blank Ever – for example, the Best Cruise Ever, or the Best Mystery Protein Doused In Suspicious Looking Gravy Ever. One such promotion was having “The Best Door Ever”, where folks on board were challenged to prove to cruise directors why they were having The Best Week Ever. And apparently cruisegoers take contests and such super-seriously, as some of these doors went above and beyond our wildest door decorating expectations. Judging by these doors, we’re guessing there are probably around 4 dozen college R.A.’s on board. Below, some of our favorite entrants, along with light commentary!!
By far the most ambitious door we came across. These people basically likened John Mayer’s head to the size of the cruise ship, which is humanly impossible. But to these people — Mayer the man is humanly impossible. (Whatever that means.) We would also like to applaud these people for a. Bringing a poster of a cruiseship on board to win a door contest; and b. getting the signature Best Week Ever font as close to perfect as possible (without having to pay our extremely unforgiving licensing fees.)
And our awaaaaaard for the most frightening door to come back to after 7 double apple martinis goes toooooo…. these people! Look, most of us wouldn’t be too upset to find John waiting back in their cabins after a long day of sunning and drinking, but I don’t know how psyched I’d be to find him mysteriously peeking out from behind my door doing his best Sweeney Todd impersonation. What are you hiding John? What. Are. You. Hiding.
And the winner for Best Door Ever (in our books goes to)…
The Best Wee Ever Door! The only thing missing is a little yellow stream of sunshine trickling down onto all the letters. Still, good effort!
Non-Door Related Posts coming up… including Saturday night’s 80’s Prom, and John Mayer at a disco!
Good Love Is On the Way
A little jam > Trust Myself
No Such Thing
Slow Dancing (I Can't Make You Love Me Tease)
Doctor (dude, CRAZY JAM)
Bigger Than My Body
Portable Intro > Speech about how much he loves his fans> Why GA
Gravity (w/ I've Got Dreams to Remember)
Something's Missing acoustic> In Your Atmosphere> Something's Missing (Wooden House tease)
Wait Til Tomorrow (solo electric w/ a WDYTIW tease at the end)
Intro "I'm short of good enough"> Heart of Life Full Band (w/ an In Repair tease)
Find Another You
No Such Thing
Pretty Girl (w/ a No One Tease)
Sucker > Love Soon > Only Heart > Say
The Bigger Than My Body Remix
**He said he's doing it again next year so YAY! for all of us who didn't get to go!
**Also, there are pics of him shirtless. Prepare yourself...