What does frozen sperm have to do with Tom Cruise?
Andrew Morton thinks he knows.
While professional celebrity trash-talker Andrew Morton remains shrouded beneath a fake moustache and Jackie O. sunglasses somewhere, protected from Scientologists and Jerry Maguire diehards alike, the hilariously overblown claims in his new book, Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography, have been teased in the U.K.'s Daily Mail. Here's the Coles Notes, in order of outrageousness.
Inconceivable!: Some of the most dedicated Scientologists have whispered that Suri Cruise was conceived using the frozen sperm of Scientology founder and dabbling science-fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard. "In her more reflective moments, Katie might have felt as if she were in the middle of a real-life version of the horror movie Rosemary's Baby,in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil's child," Andy Morton writes. Let's hope that's not how she spends her "more reflective moments." "[Tom] has been told about it and naturally he knows there are a bunch of lies about him," Tom's lawyer, Bert Fields, tells the Mail about the book. "You can imagine what it must be like to have someone compare your baby girl to Rosemary's Baby. Morton should be ashamed of himself." And yet, we somehow doubt he is.
The Dirt, Literally: Tom, the wild sexual beast that he is, had a fantasy of running through a meadow of flowers with his then wife, Nicole Kidman, Andrew writes. Learning this, the head of the Church of Scientology had his minions plant wheat grass and wildflowers around Tom's personal quarters at Scientology HQ. But it didn't turn out right, and so they tore it up and planted it again. We can't decide what's weirder--the rumour itself or that this rumour is one of Andrew Morton's big bombshells.
Beware of Dogma: Because Nicole Kidman's dad boasted about being raised Catholic and her dad was a psychologist, a discipline denounced by Scientology, bigwigs in the organization arranged for Tom to take a Potential Trouble Source/Suppressive Person course, which argues people like Nicole are bad influences. When Nicole and Tom split, a high-ranking Scientology official told her lawyer that if she didn't keep her mouth shut about Scientology, Tom would challenge her custody. Who would have thought Nicole Kidman could be considered so subversive?
Cult Following: When Tom was dating Penélope Cruz, her dad sought the advice of a cult-breaking organization, and their exchange is documented in a series of emails, proving without question that Penelope Cruz's father has internet access.
So those are all the big secrets about Tom Cruise. In a curious paradox, the book won't even be published in Britain because of the country's libel laws, but the book Tom's lawyer calls "boring" and "poorly researched" will be available in Canada on January 15.
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[ fantastic photo from www.tomcruiseisnuts.com ]
I know there was an earlier post about Morton's book, but I bolded the bits in this article that added a couple of LOLworthy details missing from the first version! Like replanting that lovely field. And the fact that the book isn't legal in the UK. Honestly, who DOESN'T need to take a Potential Trouble Source/Suppressive Person course at least once in their lives??
I totally think they should name the baby Rosemary. If they had any sense of humour at all they would.
Even ESPECIALLY if it's a boy.
Will you be reading Tom Cruise's bio?