billy crudup (likegunfire) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,
billy crudup
likegunfire
ohnotheydidnt

top 10 worst critics of the year

efilmcritic came out with its list of the "The Top Ten Criticwatch Whores of the Year" where they count down the worst reviewers of the year. At first, I thought it was stupid, but after reading it...it kind of makes sense.

The list quotes their various reviews, but the whole list isn't formed JUST because they gave bad movies good reviews (it's also based on how many of them just don't write reviews well).



- Their "bag of douche" award went to Pete Hammond from Maxim magazine...but before that article was posted, he was fired from the magazine

ONTO THE LIST:

10. STEVE OLDFIELD (FOX)
Oldfield is just one of the many whores populating the now somehow revered Broadcast Film Critics Association, but not the only one to make our list.
Examples of his reviews:
A terrific cast!
…a smart, compelling film with powerhouse performances. (Black Snake Moan)
Powerhouse performances! (Georgia Rule)
****! I loved this film! Brilliantly acted! Masterfully directed, from the stunning cinematography to the hypnotic Oscar-caliber score! (Evening)
Explosive! Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Ruffalo give Oscar-caliber performances. (Reservation Road)
Magical. (Stardust)
A magical world! A magical movie! (Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium)
A wonderful film for the entire family! Head to the theatre two-by-two! (Evan Almighty)
A rare film that’s both a great date movie and the perfect family film. (August Rush)

9. JEFFREY K. HOWARD (President of the Las Vegas Film Critics Society)
Last year he was only seen on five film ads, but the catch was that they were all uniquely for films from The Weinstein Co. Bobby became “one of the year’s best films”, Scary Movie 4 was “a riot” while School for Scoundrels was simply “Funny! Funny! Funny!” J.K. even managed to secure a quote on the horrendous remake, Black Christmas (“A thrilling fright-night delight! A new holiday horror classic!”) despite the studio itself not screening it for critics.
Examples:
Mind-blowing! A terrifying experience! (1408)
Infectious, contagious, captivatingly entertaining. (Resident Evil: Extinction)
Perfectly delightful. Warm, funny and heartfelt. (Martian Child)
Wild, funny and over-the-top action! (Rush Hour 3)
It’s laugh out loud funny! (The Brothers Solomon)
Pure comic gold. (Blades of Glory)
Spectacular! Pure holiday magic. (Fred Claus)
Big laughs! Outrageous fun! An over-the-top comedy that will leave you in stitches! (Who’s Your Caddy?)

8. JANET STOKES / FILM ADVISORY BOARD
From all the evidence I’ve seen over the last two years, this “Advisory Board” has no purpose and no reason to exist. They should disband immediately and adopt another vocation that doesn’t involve children.
Examples:
Phenomenal. (August Rush)
Incredibly exciting! Thrilling!...Captivating. (The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep)
Families will love this film. It’s a winner! (The Final Season)
Fred Claus sparkles with festive holiday excitement. Families will love it. (Fred Claus)
This is fun entertainment families will enjoy. (Daddy Day Camp)
Wonderful. One of the best family films of all time. (Firehouse Dog)

7. BEN LYONS (from E!)
Ben’s fate was sealed the minute he posted up an above-page quote for I Am Legend, pronouncing it as “one of the greatest movies ever made.” OK, ignoring my own negative feelings about the film, does Ben understand the implications of calling a film such a thing?....I Am Legend DOESN’T EVEN APPEAR ON HIS TOP 10 LIST!!! One of the “greatest movies ever made” isn’t even one of the ten best films of 2007!

In a summer of sequels, Mr. Brooks stands out! (Mr. Brooks)
A special summer surprise. Heart warming and inspiring. (Resurrecting the Champ)
Heartwarming, intelligent, and hilarious. One of the best movies of the year. (Year of the Dog)
King of California is the surprise of the fall season! (King of California)
The must-see kids flick of the season! (Bee Movie)
Fun for turtle fans of all ages! (TMNT)
A perfect family film. (Arctic Tale)

The early favorite for best picture at this year’s Oscars. Angelina Jolie is this year’s front runner for an Academy Award. (A Mighty Heart)
The first must-see of the Oscar season. An instant classic. (Into the Wild)

Suspenseful and masterfully executed. A powerful and intense thriller. A true testament to the power of filmmaking, Casey Affleck delivers the best performance of his career. (Gone Baby Gone)
Powerful and intense, The Kingdom grabs hold of you and never lets go. Four tremendous performances from Cooper, Foxx, Bateman and Garner. Truly outstanding. (The Kingdom)
It makes American Gangster look like a fairy tale. It’s the real deal, nothing Hollywood about it. (Mr. Untouchable)
A new American classic. Washington and Crowe both deliver outstanding performances. Goodfellas for the next generation. (American Gangster)
Awesome! 300 is the most unique movie-going experience of a generation. One of the best films of 2007, and of the last 25 years. (300)
The future of filmmaking is now. Beowulf in 3D is a night at the movies you will never forget! (Beowulf)
The Golden Compass takes its place amongst the great fantasy films of all time. In the tradition of The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter and The Chronicles of Narnia. (The Golden Compass)
One of the greatest movies ever made. (I Am Legend)

6. MARK S. ALLEN (CBS)
After managing to narrowly avoid the Whore Ten since 2004, Markass Allen returns to recommend the blasphemous Underdog with his own brand of rhyme and one of the worst-reviewed films of the year, Premonition

An epic and awesome experience. (300)
The best Pirates yet! Epic and amazing! (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End)
Intense, smart and very cool! (Disturbia)
Intelligent, thought provoking and intense beyond measure. You’ll be talking about it long after the end credits… (Premonition)
The most riveting, provocative, engaging movie experience in years. A stellar cast in a movie that will grab you, lock you in and not let go till the credits end. (The Kingdom)
The most sophisticated, smartest, coolest action movie in years! (Smokin’ Aces)

Brilliant, imaginative and inspirational. (The Astronaut Farmer)
The perfect holiday film! (Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium)
The feel-good movie of the season! Your heart will be singing and your spirit will soar! (August Rush)
Funny, thoughtful and the most heart-felt movie you’ll see this season! (P.S. I Love You)

Outstanding! (Enchanted)
Exciting! Spectacular! Funny…and absolutely breathtaking from beginning to end! (Meet the Robinsons)
One of the most original animated films ever. (Surf’s Up)
Awesome fun for thy whole family! Elephant sized laughs! Divine! Thou shalt laugh a lot! (Evan Almighty)
See this movie, do not fail! You will leave with a wagging tail! (Underdog)

5. JIM FERGUSON (in the BFCA board of directors)
In 2004 Ferguson was our runner-up for Whore of the Year and after a significant decrease in his quotage the following year, he was back on the horse and placed sixth in last year’s rankings. He’s our five choice for 2007, spreading his man love for one weak chick flick after another, bad family films and even worse comedies. Is the BFCA really proud to have him as a high-ranking representative?

A love story for the ages. A beautiful adaptation of Jane Austen’s life. (Becoming Jane)
Make a reservation for the feel-good romance of the summer! (No Reservations)
The perfect date movie for the holidays. (P.S. I Love You)
A must-see for the holiday season. (National Treasure: Book of Secrets)
Don’t miss this wonderful holiday film. You’ll enjoy this film right along with the kids. (Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium)
Both adults and kids will laugh and scream during this hilarious comedy. Steve Carell, lots of animals and Morgan Freeman as God, you can’t ask for anything more in a comedy! (Evan Almighty)
A must-see! (Enchanted)
A classic! A must-see! (Evening)

Utterly hilarious. Fresh, exciting and utterly original. (Meet the Robinsons)
Entertaining, wild fun! (Wild Hogs)
Jackie & Chris have never been funnier. (Rush Hour 3)

Suspenseful & compelling! Joaquin Phoenix and Jennifer Connelly give award-worthy performances. (Reservation Road)
The Reaping is an outstanding supernatural thriller. (The Reaping)
The best psychological thriller in years. (Mr. Brooks)
One of the best films of the year. (Elizabeth: The Golden Age)
Rob Reiner directs two super stars in one of the best films of the year. (The Bucket List)

4. JEFFREY LYONS
With his sixth straight year in the Criticwatch Top Ten, one of the very few to accomplish that feat, Jeffy can now boast an exclusive one, that of the first father/son duo to make our list in the same year. Congratulations, Jeffrey and Ben!

A scary thriller…you can sink your teeth into. (Blood & Chocolate)
A genuine, intelligent, scary thriller. (The Number 23)
An excellent thriller. (Shooter)
An edgy thriller with wonderful, creative & very impressive performances. (The Hunting Party)
Civic Duty is a riveting psychological thriller… (Civic Duty)
A riveting thriller. Superb. (The Lookout)
A carefully-crafted thriller! John Cusack gives a superb performance. (1408)
A slick, intelligent film. Anthony Hopkins gives a superb, nuanced performance. (Fracture)
A tense, intelligent, superbly performed tour de force by two great actors from two generations. (Sleuth)
James McAvoy and Dame Maggie Smith head a superb supporting cast. (Becoming Jane)
…Superb performances. (Lyons & Bailes, Reeltalk) (Holly)
Superb! One of those rare movies you hate to see end. (In the Land of Women)
Superb! Provocative…with unforgettable images and a screenplay which resonates with issues in today’s headlines. (Lions for Lambs)
… a microcosm of the tense, turbulent times in which we live. (Civic Duty)

3. EARL DITTMAN
Frankly, I get tired of talking about this guy. He’s a whore’s whore with a surname that should have been turned into a verb by now. The Weinstein ad people love him, oh what the hell, ‘nuff said. Dittman says it all

Ingenious. Outrageous. Gut-busting. (Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story)
A big screen adventure rich with excitement and laughter. (The Astronaut Farmer)
Wildly entertaining! Totally original and hilarious! A hilarious reimagining of the King Arthur legend. (Arthur and the Invisibles)
Touching, inspirational, moving, a delightful time at the movies! One of the most heartfelt films of the year! (Music Within)
**** Nancy Drew is a definite must-see! (Nancy Drew)
A hilarious comedy for campers of all ages. (Daddy Day Camp)

That’s just a little appetizer to Dittman’s adjective-laden ways. We’ve pointed it out in previous years but it bares repeating (just as Dittman likes it)

...Eerie...Haunting...It doesn't get more terrifying than this (The Messengers)
The Reaping will terrify...even the most seasoned movie-goer. (The Reaping)

(2005) Terrifying! It will shock even the most experienced horror fan! (Wolf Creek)
(2006) Truly haunting. It takes fear and terror to a whole new level. (Silent Hill)

A spectacular supernatural thriller. ****...full of shocking twists and turns. (Premonition)
Terrifying. A tour de force. A worthy companion piece to the original. A shocking masterpiece with twists and turns around every corner! (Halloween)

(2005) The Exorcism of Emily Rose is a shocking, top-notch supernatural thriller unlike any you've seen before or will likely see again. (The Exorcism of Emily Rose)
(2004) A haunting supernatural thriller. (The Forgotten)
(2005) **** A breathtaking supernatural thriller! (Cursed)

Breathtaking...Thrilling...An unforgettable experience. The best Spider-Man yet. (Spider-Man 3)
The year’s best psychological thriller. Intense & edgy…It will leave you breathless! Jessica Alba is stunning! (Awake)

(2006) A shocking psychological thriller. Samuel L. Jackson is brilliant. He will leave you breathless. (Freedomland)
(2005) A shocking nail-biting thriller! It will leave you breathless. ****! A film for movie-goers in search of an intelligent and emotional thriller. (Derailed)
(200-) An expertly-conceived psychological thriller that will have you on the edge of your seat from the moment it lights up the screen to the final flicker of its last frame. (Suspect Zero)
(2005) A heart-stopping, edge-of-your-seat thriller. Jessica Alba gives a knockout performance. It will leave you breathless. (Into the Blue)

...A first class thriller...It will keep you on the edge of your seat. (Vacancy)
Sexy and smart…Pure unadulterated fear. (Disturbia)
Startling and intense. A terrifying masterpiece. (1408)
Intense. The scariest film of the year! (Stephen King’s The Mist)

(2006) A terrifying, bone-chilling, horror masterpiece. Scariest movie of the year! It will feed your fear of technology! Unlike any horror film you’ve seen before or will ever see! (Pulse)
(2005) Electrifying. Bone-chilling (Constantine)
(2005) A spine-tingling, bone-chilling thriller. (Venom)
(2005) Spine-tingling...Heart-stopping...Terrifying... (The Cave)
(2005) Bone-chilling. Heart-stopping. Panic-filled. Robert DeNiro's performance is shocking and intense. A provocative nail-biter! It'll raise your heart rate! It will keep you guessing from start to finish. (Hide and Seek)

2. BILL BREGOLI
All you can find are Bill’s quotes. At Criticwatch, on video boxes, derision on message boards or on the membership list for the Broadcast Film Critics Association. Another winner, fellas! You can’t find this guy anywhere, just like Dittman before he finally came out of hiding to do interviews with me and Jimmy Kimmel. Bregoli has been tight, almost exclusively tight with the Dreamworks junkets in past years, but he spread like a fungus in 2007

Sexually charged. (Factory Girl)
Intense and very scary. (Hannibal Rising)
A sure-fire thriller in the tradition of The Bourne Identity. The action is non-stop. (Shooter)
Truly moving and emotionally honest. This is the kind of movie you thought they couldn’t make anymore. (Things We Lost in the Fire)
Tender and truly touching. An auspicious directing debut for Alison Eastwood. (Rails & Ties)
A perfect blend of humor and heart. (No Reservations)
The best romantic comedy in a very long time. (P.S. I Love You)

A family movie that’s smart and thrilling! (The Last Mimzy)
Great summer comedy fun! (Shrek the Third)
The best animated movie of the year is also the funniest! (Bee Movie)
Scathingly funny & witty! (The Nanny Diaries)
Edgy and outrageously funny! Braff and Bateman are hysterical! (The Ex)
One of the best screen pairings ever! They will have you on the edge of your seat laughing. (Rush Hour 3)
Borat with a badge. (Reno 911: Miami)
Would make Borat blush. Finally, an “R”-rated comedy for adults. (The Heartbreak Kid)

1. SHAWN EDWARDS
Proudly equating himself to Roger Ebert simply because his name appears (sometimes) in the same ads may be the most egregious of all of Shawn’s shameless quotes; some 30 or more in four of the last five years. He may work for a Fox affiliate, but only two of his quotes were good enough for them in 2007 (on I Think I Love My Wife & Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium.) No, the studio that loved him up the most was Sony and their various branches. Nearly a third of his quotes (10) went to Sony, including two for films that weren’t even screened for critics (Ghost Rider & Resident Evil: Extinction).

Scarlett Johansson is exceptional! (The Nanny Diaries)
Jane Fonda is exceptional. Lindsay Lohan’s performance is phenomenal. Felicity Huffman continues to prove her brilliance as one of today’s best actresses. (Georgia Rule)

Totally entertaining. (Surf’s Up)
Totally awesome! So much fun you’ll want to see it twice. (TMNT)
A delightful & totally fun fantasy! Smart, funny and imaginative! (Arthur and the Invisibles)
Steve Carell is hilarious, touching and completely engaging. (Evan Almighty)
A heartfelt, moving and touching film. (Georgia Rule)
It’s a soulful and heartwarming crowd-pleaser that will have you laughing, crying and cheering. (This Christmas)

Outrageously funny! (I Think I Love My Wife)
Hilarious! (Hairspray)
Hilarious. Brilliant. (Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story)
**** Brilliant! (The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford) -
A must-see movie ****. (Freedom Writers)
An intelligent and intense thriller. (1408)
****. Stylish, sexy and riveting!...More intense and entertaining than The Departed! (We Own the Night)

An electrifying cinematic achievement! (American Gangster)
Terrifying and shocking! (Vacancy)
Razor-sharp! It will jolt you with its edginess & originality. (The Hunting Party)
Engaging and exhilarating. Brilliant! It’s a movie you won’t soon forget nor can you easily ignore. (The Kingdom)
Dynamic. Exhilarating. Exciting. Entertaining (I Am Legend)
A high-energy thrill ride! (Ghost Rider)

A modern-day masterpiece. (American Gangster)
An undeniable masterpiece! (Grindhouse)
One of the best movies of the year! (Hairspray)
One of the best films of the year! (American Gangster)
P2 does to parking garages what Psycho did to taking a shower and what Jaws did to swimming in the ocean. One of the scariest movies of the year! (P2)

Vacancy is one of the most suspenseful and truly frightening movies of the year. (Vacancy)
One of the funniest comedies of the year. (Fred Claus)
The funniest, craziest, wildest comedy of the year. (Are We Done Yet?)
- (2006) The wildest, funniest, most hilarious movie of the year. (Little Man)
- (2005) Outrageously funny! The craziest comedy of the year! (Waiting)
The most original film of the year. (Transformers)
The most delightful movie of the year! (No Reservations)
The most magical movie of the year! (Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium)
- (2006) The most magical film of the year. **** An instant classic. (Charlotte’s Web)
****…The most exciting movie of the year! (Resident Evil: Extinction)
The best movie of the year! (I Am Legend)

Wonderful! The surprise of the summer. (Georgia Rule)
The coolest movie of the summer. **** (Surf’s Up)
- (2006) Sexy. The coolest movie of the summer is one of the best of the year! (Miami Vice)
- (2005) The coolest movie of the year! (Be Cool)
- (2004) Refreshingly funny, super hip and the coolest flick you’ll see all year! DYN-O-MITE! (Starsky & Hutch)
One of the coolest movies you’ll ever see! (Stomp the Yard)
One of the most entertaining, exciting and intense movies ever made. (I Am Legend)

A perfect 10. (Surf’s Up)
- (2006) A family film that's perfect for everyone. It will have you laughing from beginning to end. (Are We There Yet?)
Perfect family entertainment. (Are We Done Yet?)
- (2006) Perfect family entertainment! (Nanny McPhee)
A heavenly comedy that’s perfect for the entire family! (Evan Almighty)
- (2005) This comedy is perfect for the entire family! (Kicking and Screaming)
An irresistibly charming comedy for the whole family! (Mr. Bean’s Holiday)


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