"Selling 24 million albums hasn't really affected me, but it has changed things. I can't walk into a room full of people any more without everybody turning their head, and I can only eat in certain restaurants where I know I won't get hassled. But that's OK. I was born to do this, and so I've learned how to cope."
You were born to do this? Do you think maybe that's a birth defect?
"Someone like Kelly Clarkson is beautiful and has a pretty voice, but with me you get a much stronger image. I'm tough, I have a look that girls want to copy, and I sound a particular way. It's good if you're not easily ignored. And I'm not."
Yes, unfortunately for the hearing world you are not easily ignored.
"I was 17 when my first album came out, and all of a sudden I had to spend my days doing interviews. Listen, when you're 17 you don't know how to hold a conversation with an adult, and you pretty much don't want to. But I learned to channel that annoyance into my music."
It must be so annoying to have to organize your thoughts into speech with an adult present in the room. It must incredibly taxing to be respond to questions like, "Why do you steal other people's music?" and "Do you think someone who actually is punk and actually makes tough music would rather shoot you in the face or burn you alive?"
"When I go to a party, I am the party! I'm the girl doing shots, jumping on tables, screaming and getting wasted. Am I advocating drugs? No! When I say get wasted, that doesn't mean go crazy. Drink in moderation. Be responsible, yeah?"
Well wouldn't you need to get fucked up if you looked like one of the children of the corn?
"I am a very giving person. When the hurricane thing happened [in New Orleans, August 2005], I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, 'Take it to Katrina!' I also like to give stuff to people who are my 'workers', especially if they don't make much money."
How generous of you! You mean you, with your millions of dollars, actually managed to fill a few boxes up of the old junk from the back of your closet? And, btw Avril, I know the news was confusing and all, but a woman named Katrina did not drive through New Orleans setting shit on fire and pouring water on everyone. Storms have names, you see, but they're not actual persons. So it would be kind of impossible to bring it donations. And if you feel so bad about your employees not being paid enough how about, I don't know, fucking pay them more? I know you're Avril Lavigne, but come on.
"It's important to be thankful, even if you're poor. I mean, come on, we all have clean water--well, OK, not people in the developing world. It's important to remember where we came from, and just how lucky we are to be here."
"You mean, we don't all have clean water? Wait! Is it just, like, white people? I'll put some of my old pants in a box and send it to Africa or wherever it is that people don't have stuff. 'Cause I totally hate suffering."
"I'm not particularly religious, but I am spiritual. What kind? Feng shui, mostly, and energy. I'm good at picking up people's energy, like I'm receptive or something."
If you're so receptive to everyone else's feelings, why haven't you committed suicide yet?
"I got married last year [to Deryck Whibley of Sum 41], simply because I was lucky enough to find the right guy. Did I tame him [Whibley once confessed to a fondness for mushrooms and Ecstasy]? Hey, we were both party animals once, so we've tamed each other."
The only taming going on here is of the gag reflex. Have you seen these two together? I'd rather fuck a moose.
"I want to get into movies next, a lead role in a super cool indie flick. I've been looking at scripts for the past two years now and most of them have been shit, but I know I could be real good at it. I have an agent now, and everything."
"People love me and people hate me, but I'm comfortable in my own skin and that's what counts. And anyway, if you do hate me, you're the loser, not me."
Awwww...that's so cute. I know you are, but what am I?