I live, I die, I live again (sandstorm) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,
I live, I die, I live again
sandstorm
ohnotheydidnt

ontd original: Watching the long-awaited "Sony's Cinderella"

(laughs) same.
"A modern movie musical with a very, very loose take on the classic fairy tale. Our ambitious heroine has big dreams and with the help of her fab Godmother, she perseveres to make them come true."

Despite starring quite a few Enemies of Entertainment, I didn't go into this wanting to hate it. There's always something good to be found in a movie.


Camila Cabello as Cinderella

Now, unlike most people, I actually like her music. I know ONTD doesn't read, so let me emphasize it - her music. The melodies. The vocals...I'll leave that unfinished to be kind.

There's a part early in this movie where she's harmonizing with herself in that "IIIIIIF IT'S A MILLLLiIiiiiLION TO ONE" song, it's going out of her range, and it's not pleasant. I think that's the only original song she gets in the movie, thank you filmmakers.

Honestly, this isn't "Cinderella". This Ella is supposed to seen as smart and enterprising but the writing is lackluster, and every one else just eats her up on screen. This would have been much better as a standalone random fairytale. You absolutely could have dug in the archives for some lesser known fairy tale heroine and funded it.

I have no idea why I'm getting upset about the sanctity of a story where a girl is abused.



Billy Porter as Fab G

Really isn't here for that long.

Idina Menzel as Vivian the Stepmother
Because all evil people are named Vivian. She's seen as a golddigger, that's shown as a bad thing, and let me tell you, this was so awkwardly timed for a world where inequality is rising harder and faster than ever. Plenty of people are going to agree with her.

They give her a backstory that's basically "I had your dream too, and then my husband left me." and they give her a fucking great song ("Dream Girl") about it. I am seeing way more of Idina Menzel this year (In admittedly not new stuff) and I am not against it.

Her cover of "Material Girl" is pretty good if you speed it up to 1.3x. The dance number, not so much.

Nicholas Galitzine as Prince Robert
I could have picked a kinder picture, but he reminds me of ole boy from "Jupiter Ascending".

The son of the king and queen who are in, frankly, a loveless marriage (#PeakHeterosexualFilm), he's ... well a fairly party-boy prince whose father wants him to "grow up"* (aka, get married and start breeding) but he wants to marry for love. I think there's something that could have been done more with him and his sister (below), but he's pretty funny.

*We have had a lot of characters like this in film recently, haven't we.




Besides the main cast just doin' their thang, what else is happening?
'We gotta style you to look and talk like shit my dude.'


This dude is a creep. Sure, nearly every woman in this is playing someone reprehensible, but you don't want to see them leered at. AND THEN[Spoiler (click to open)]THE STEPMOTHER PROMISES ELLA TO THIS WEIRDO. I honestly said 'what the fuck' out loud. It's better stakes than just 'oh the step mother is just a bitch who ruined her mother's dress' so, uh, props.




It opens by focusing on a bunch of black people singing Rhythm Nation and doing hard labor. Is that how they got Camila to sign on? They compromised with her Anti-Racist Therapist? She doesn't have to talk to them, but they can sing for her? The crowd gets more diverse no so long into the song, so #DiversityWin?

There's more instances of black people just being fodder to sing in the background. Though they sing about how a man died from dysentery and it got a laugh out of me.

Even Cinderella's supposed 'allies' are just oddly mean spirited. She mentions her best friends being mice and their first appeareace is them shittalking her.

But the stepsisters are somewhat civil? Did someone miss the entire idea of Cinderella? Truthfully, they are honestly the best people in this movie on an entertainment level.
Oh, did I forget to include James Corden up there? He's that rat on the far right.

Just like Jungle Cruise before it, for something that was intended for a theatrical release, the CGI looks terrible.

The costumes, at least, are quite beautiful.

Great gowns, beautiful gowns.

This is also part of a pretty good musical mash up sequence of "Seven Nation Army" and "Whatta Man". A lot of the musical compositions are fun and lively. It's Moulin Rouge!, but only 1/3rd of the cast can sing on pitch. Like listen to this.


This is Princess Gwen. Fun fact; She wants to take a more active role in running the kingdom, but her father won't let her. Her plot is basically "Girls don't do business!" just like Cinderella's! In another scene, the prince says "We may be an old fashioned kingdom, but they'll be guests from all over the world [at this ball]." -

Deadass my man said "We may be sexist but we are NOT racist! despite using black people as musical props."

Humongous props to the queen who tells the king "We hate each other. Why should our son want to get married?"


The one message they undercut in their entire movie is that, Ella, who has been determined to do things herself, ends up falling in love with the prince. She still gets her business, working for a queen, and travelling the world. Terrible people CAN have it all!

Every named character in this movie besides the Fab G and Gwen have to learn a lesson. The movie is called 'Cinderella', and while that's in name only, that doesn't mean you make it about every body else. The entire plot hinges on women living in a hellscape world where they can't do what they want.

Maybe people in 2021 watch movies for entertainment, and not to be reminded of the harsh realities of the world we're probably about to live in.

Just like Artemis Fowl before it, okay message, and this movie came out at the wrong time.



And yes, they do end with a dance number of "Let's Get Loud" in the middle of a busy street.


There you go, that's Kamila Kabello's Kinderella. I thought a lot of the music was quite entertaining, and laughed a handful of times, but it's not something I'd choose to watch again. All in all, when it comes to Cinderellas, Camila's is right there after Brandy's Cinderella, Ever After, Ella Enchanted, Happily Ever After's Cinderella, Ever After High, both Disney Cinderellas, and Anna Kendrick's Cinderella. But truthfully, it's far less because of her and more because of....everything else.

source: Sony and Amazon
Tags: camila cabello, film - fantasy, idina menzel, ontd original, sony leak - why are u punishing me, sony pictures
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