PBS has announced that it will stop airing "Arthur" after 25 seasons. This legendary children's cartoon is known for its clever humor and infinite memes. However, it is also known for something else...being absolutely fucking savage.
Thus, it is prime for a dark, gritty live-action reboot. Prepare yourself for...
played by Cole Sprouse
Arthur is the audience's eyes and aardvark ears into the seedy underbelly of Elwood City. We see him cope with his overbearing parents and sociopathic little sister. We accompany him to school, where all the students act like animals. He learns that you have to fight to stay alive...even if it means using your fist sometimes.
Played by: Noah Centineo
To his friends, Buster Baxter seems like a carefree class clown who loves to eat junk food. But underneath, Buster is actually coping with a serious eating disorder stemming from the trauma of his parents' divorce and his absent father.
Played by: Also Noah Centineo
Binky struggles with toxic masculinity. He hides his insecurity about his learning disability by bullying other students. But can he find the courage to follow his dreams as a clarinet player?
Played by: Millie Bobby Brown, who wins several Emmys for her portrayal
Francine is a working-class girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Her tomboyish attitude hides a secret... she is a lesbian and is in love with Prunella. Will she ever be able to win a sports scholarship to college, which her parents otherwise can't afford, so she can get outta Elwood forever?
Played by: Emma Roberts
What happens when you get everything in life that you want? That's what Muffy is coping with. Her life of luxury is only a distraction from the fact that her father is a workaholic and her mother is an emotionally shattered mess. Muffy has the best clothes, the best shoes, the best jewelry... but what really makes her happy?
Played by: Rowan Blanchard
Fern is a tormented emo girl who writes dark poetry to cope with her depression. She reveals that she is bisexual and is dating Sue Ellen.
Played by: Acclaimed Broadway veteran Jesse Tyler Ferguson
The Mr. Ratburn of Elwood is a fierce hunty who loves to throw shade and teach the children to read, yas god! He has some very important ~diversity~ plot points in which he gives heartwarming speeches about accepting who you are. In an Emmy-nominated episode, he reveals that he is HIV positive.
Dora Winifred Read, aka D.W.
Played by: Skai Jackson
D.W. is the Cheryl Blossom of Elwood. She is the bane of Arthur's and her parents' existence. She makes life miserable for boys who fall in love with her and constantly sasses her teachers. With her girl gang of Nadine and Vicita, D.W. is the chaotic popular girl who rules the school. She will also have an edgy nickname like "D Dubs."
And featuring Ian Somerhalder and Morena Baccarin as...
Arthur's Mom and Dad
Some of the plotlines of Elwood include:
- The Brain gets addicted to speed while trying to stay at the top of the class, which turns him into Jekyll/Jekyll/Hyde/Jekyll/Hyde/Hyde/Jeky
- Arthur's parents may be caught up in a mysterious supernatural murder plot
- Muffy's dad runs a secret used car scam with the town's corrupt police force
- Sue Ellen learns that the reason her parents traveled so much was to escape a dangerous cult that has now found them
- Buster fakes his own death but secretly updates the gang of his whereabouts by sending postcards
- The gang rescues D.W. from a trafficking ring leading to Crown City
The final scene of the redband trailer would go something like this:
SCENE: Backstage at the Lakewood Elementary talent show. A school administrator prepares to announce Arthur's act.
ARTHUR: "--Wait!" [He pauses dramatically.] "Will you announce me as... A-A-R-D-V-A-R-K?"
Roll title card and a moody acoustic folk cover of the "Arthur" theme song.
Source: All me.