ljtryout (ljtryout) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,

ONTD Original: Classes are back!! ONTD University 2.0 opens it's doors with new teachers!!

Welcome, welcome. Classes are back and ONTD university has renewed their entire curriculum and is offering new classes to keep you uncompetitive in this hard post apocalyptic world.


Take a look at our new teachers and classes:

[Welcome back to school!]
The pandemic hit you hard? Are you looking to start your own business? Prof. Goop has many years of experience to show how to maximize earnings with minimum effort selling vagina candles so you can start your own business selling pens with cum ink or something.
Professional Evidence:
- Goop finds cure for depression
- Goop sells intelligent vibrator
- Goop sells vagina scented candles that explode out of nowhere.

Is reading comprehension too much for you? Don't worry, Prof. Simpson is here for you to show you how to avoid reading and assume everything jsut by reading titles, her methodolog-... you're not reading this, are you?
Professional Evidence:
- How most of us don't participate in ONTD Reading Challenges

Are you tired of people's lack of competence? Do you always have to call the manager to get things done? Are you a little bit racist and wanna shit on people's wigs? Then Prof. Lea Michele is here to help you achieve your Karen final form.
Professional Evidence:
- Lea Michele blasted by broadway co-star.
- Lea Michele is a transphobic pos.
- Lea Michele is a racist that wanna shit on people's wigs.

For you uncultured swines, están listos para tener clases en españoullshh??!. Renowned professor Hilaria Baldwin spent her entire childhood with mexican farmers, only to move on her teen years to work on Machupicchu as a tourist guide for blind nuns and eventually moved to spain and that's when she learnt spanish, crazy right?! This puta's been everywhere and is incredibly prepared to teach you about latinx culture. Spanish reading skills will be mandatory for this class
Professional Evidence:
- Hilaria pretends to be POC to teach her son about racism.
- Hilaria admits she's white.

Do you have a rocking bod to show off? No? Don't worry, you don't have to! Professor Posey will show you how to make Onlyfans a profitable business teaching you how to take the perfect revealing selfies, have online meltdowns, queerbait and share your precum online.
Professional Evidence:
- Tyler Posey made a trailer for his Onlyfans.
- Tyler Posey opens up about his sexual experiences with men.
- Tyler Posey is not taken serious for having an OnlyFans

Are you poor and wanna make some cash? Oprah will show you how to manage your money and make the right investments while saving half your paycheck and investing the other half in her favorite things that will make your life much more useful like a cut nails collector, special grocery bags made with the underwear of deaf monks and an exclusive recipe for lemon water.
Professional Evidence:
- Bitch, do you need evidence? She's Oprah!

Do you wanna be cast in absolutely every single superhero movie there is? Michael B. Jordan is here to help you work on your superhero pose, make you work out 18 hours a day while watching anime and he'll even "date you if you're a woman that knows how to cook".
Professional Evidence:
- Black Superman movie in the works.
- Michael B. Jordan joins Black Panther
- Michael B. Jordan answers to racist Fantastic Four fans
- Michael B. Jordan developing Static Shock.

Our king is joining the ONTD Cinematic Universe. Do you see a random celeb in the street doing something naughty and wanna take a pic to sell it to the papz? Well, Rodrigo will not be able to help you since he only works when there's been a previous coordinated walkby. But if you do, he'll show you how to take the best blurry realistic pics in the business!! Teach away my king!
Professional Experience:
- Every. Single. Ben Affleck. and. Ana De Armas. Post.

Did you cheat on your spouse and somebody else caught you on the act. Fear not! Professor West is here to help you make some damage control and write the best PR apologies in the world. If you can get over the punchable face, you'll get back with your spouse in less than a week GUARANTEED!
Professional Experience:
- Lily James and Dominic West kissing in Rome.
- Dominic West goes back to his wife and gives a note.

Have you met true love? Do you wanna take your relationship to the next level, and then to the next, and to the next, and to the next in one week? Made-to-be-forever Prof. Ben McKenzie and Morena Baccarin will teach you how to forge true love faster than The Flash's farts.
Professional Evidence:
- SEPT 23 Ben McKenzie and Morena Baccarin are cheating and Dating
- SEPT 24 Ben McKenzie and Morena Baccarin are expecting
- SEPT 25 Ben McKenzie and Morena Baccarin are planning to get married

Do you think trans people are not real wom---NOPE. NOPE. CLASS CANCELLED.

Do you often lie and wanna create your own narrative? Professor Swift is here to help you, she can give you an holistic view of narrative customization and truth bending that includes what happens when you get caught.
Professional Experience
- Taylor Swift and Kanye West full phone call leaks.

Do you often thrist for white men? I mean, why am i asking you? You're on ONTD, of course you do. Professor Cavill will help you out and stand around naked in a classroom while flexing his muscles so you take a good look at his dick physique. Buckets for drool will not be provided by ONTD University. Also, all classes are full til' September 2034.
Professional Experience:
- Henry Cavill reads thirst tweets.
- Henry Cavill trains shirtless for Man of Steel.

Are you thirsty to be the center of attention? Do you wanna insert yourself in other conversations and scandals? Professor Jamil is here to give you a crash course on how to meddle in none of your business with little success.
Professional Experience:
- Jameela Jamil Inserts Herself Into the Kim Kardashian Controversy
- Jameela Jamil Inserts Herself Into the Meghan/Harry vs Royals Scandal
- Jameela Jamil Inserts Herself Into the Lily James/Dominic West Cheating Scandal
- Jameela Jamil Inserts Herself Into this post (Coming Soon)

Source: Me (and all the links to the original ONTD post are below the images)

ONTD, will you be joining ONTD University?
Tags: ana de armas, ben affleck, gwyneth paltrow, henry cavill, j.k. rowling, jameela jamil, jessica simpson, lily james, michael b jordan, nobody, ontd original, oprah, taylor swift, tyler posey

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