It is with a heavy heart that I report Gwyneth Paltrow is now at heightened risk for type two diabetes after gaining weight during the Coldplay-demic. Gwyneth told some chiropractor dude pretending to be a real doctor, "I've noticed over the last couple of years my metabolism has slowed down... I'm 48 years old and I know that women tend to lose up to 30% of their metabolic speed once we enter this phase of life — so I know some of it is that." OHMYGOD, on top of being fatter, she's getting older now too???? How embarrassing...could NEVER be me.
She added, "I could quickly eat really well for a couple of days and exercise a lot and [the weight] would all be gone. And that was not happening over the past year." Wow, does she think a global pandemic, social uprising, and the overwhelming chaos of the day is an excuse to just like, eat a little extra? Honestly, it's so depressing what's happened to her. Only gross normal people lose their metabolism! Those of us amongst the bourgeoisie have "doctors" for that.
Luckily, Gwyneth has cut out sugar, alcohol, and experiencing joy from her diet and has begun chugging broth made from bones and tears of fat people, and has been able to lose 11 pounds so far! Hopefully she can quickly overcome this dietary detour into normal behavior and get back on track and into a basic yet somehow tacky Calvin Klein dress.
How much weight have you gained during the covo pando?