My darling peasants and poors, I have been given my life's mission from God herself, and that is to avenge the INJUSTICE that is Adam Driver's career. I've long doubted the rise of Mr. Driver, who aesthetically is woefully unprepared for the rigors of mainstream fame, but who also surreptitiously appealed to my lack of taste with a certain familiarity in his performance style and tone, and also because he has good shoulders. Until today, I allowed his lumbering presence to inhabit my safe space, but then, like a GOOP-brand dildo I ordered with a stolen credit card, it came to me. This off-brand, Hot Topic Lurch had weaseled his way into the hearts and minds of midwestern moms and Hunter Harris on the back of none other than 1999 made-for-TV Jesus himself, Jeremy Sisto.
Now, you may be asking yourself, "who the fuck is Jeremy Sisto?" And to you I say, "I think you left your Cranberries CD on the quad. Please excuse yourself before somebody snags it." For those of TASTE, Jeremy Sisto had a profound impact during their prepubescent years, guaranteeing a lifetime of being attracted to unavailable men who will use your friends for weed and then leave you in a convenience store parking lot to be robbed in a mini dress. Rollin with the homies, straight into my masturbatory fantasies.
So, how does this apply to the personification of a Morrissey Muppet Baby, Adam Driver? Well, upon a 20-years-delayed viewing of the impeccable Six Feet Under, I was startled by a 2001 performance that looked eerily reminiscent to a Girls deleted scene that was cut for being too thought-provoking. At that moment it hit me as strong as the male gaze in Sisto's 2003 film, Wrong Turn, Adam Driver is NOTHING but a Jeremy Sisto impersonator. The vocal tone, the performance style, the puppy dog sadness masking major misogynistic tendencies, it's classique Sisto. But for some insane reason, he's stuck on copaganda procedurals and Maroon 5 music videos, while Adam Driver is dick deep in Oscar noms. Not anymore. Not in Biden's America. I mean, Maroon 5? What terrible war crime would one have to commit for such a inhumane punishment?
TELL ME THIS IS NOT AN IMPROVED UPON ADAM DRIVER PERFORMANCE!!!!!
Now, you may think, okay, why should I care that literally one white man didn't get the career he deserved? To which I say, fucking valid point. However, if Jeremy had been given the career he deserved, we wouldn't just not have to deal with Adam Driver, we would also not still be dealing with DECADES of Leonardo Dicaprio and his bruised ego, goatees, and mommy issues. The time has come to admit, Titanic should have starred Jeremy Sisto. You know it, I know it, James Cameron knows it, Leonardo Dicaprio's next zygote of a girlfriend knows it. LOOK AT HOW BEAUTIFUL THIS MAN WAS IN HIS SCREEN TEST. And, ya know, maybe still is...on the inside, I don't know, he hasn't been in anything I've wanted to watch in a decade. But that's not MY fault. It's Hollywood's fault. And more importantly, it's Adam Driver's fault.
Because ultimately, this is about the FACT that Adam Driver STOLE Jeremy Sisto's entire brand and is passing it off like a Kardashian passes off the designs of black-owned businesses as their own. And we cannot continue to tolerate this offense.
Also, Jeremy once said Adam was weird. Probably because he was stealing your identity, bruh! Take his ass to the Judge Judy!
These are the very important conversations we need to keep having as a nation. I hope that you can agree that we should cease production of all Adam Driver vehicles, and give them immediately to Jeremy Sisto. I thank you for your time and consideration.
What actor do you think stole another's career?